Thursday, December 31, 2009

New Year's Day radio show

L. and I are working on our respective best of 2009 albums list for the Poptopia Parkway show tomorrow on New Year's Day. If you want to listen, we'll be on tomorrow from 8:30-10:30 PM on either 90.7 FM in Everett or streaming on the Web from KSER.org.

Goodbye 2009

Well, 2009, we have about 6-1/2 hours left together. Although you aren't the worst year in my life, you've sure ranked right up there with some of the worst. Frankly, I'm happy to see you go. From the reports from many friends and family, I'm not the only one to feel such glee at your departure. Don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out. I see 2010 coming right around the corner now...

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Happy holidays

No, I haven't forgotten my username and password, or how to type. It's just been a difficult time recently, and (unusually for me) I didn't feel like writing about any of it. As I mentioned in my last post, we were going to visit L.'s dad for Thanksgiving. Unfortunately L.'s step mom, J., passed away the weekend before we made it down for a visit. So, we spent our time trying to help out however we could and grieved the loss.

It was a really quick trip, and when we got back I had to jump right back into work to prepare for the final release of our docs. Of course, this was right after lay offs affected our group, so we quickly felt the loss of those co-workers who were let go. That made it quite difficult both personally and professionally. But, we made it through and finally got some respite the last couple of weeks as the holidays approach.

I had a nice break recently with the visit of a friend from London, A. She stayed with us one evening and we spent the next day window-shopping together. I also visited my friend, V., to give her a Christmas gift and spent some time talking over the past year and how I want next year to be. I know that there will still be challenges, but I'm hoping for a more uneventful year. My New Year's resolution is to bring my life back into balance. It seems like I live in extremes for the most part, and finding a niche for everything that is important gets harder and harder as the years go on. I simply can't keep working such long hours and neglecting my personal life and health, so that's the balance I'll try to achieve.

L. and I are hosting the Christmas festivities this year. We're having my dad over on Christmas eve, but we plan to go out to eat instead of make anything here. Then on Christmas day, my mom's family will come, including my grandparents and both sisters and nieces and nephews. We're really looking forward to seeing everyone and making the Christmas dinner. We have the house all decorated, with lights on the outside and a beautiful Christmas tree in the living room, complete with wrapped packages beneath the boughs. The cleaner came yesterday to give the place a good once over, and we're ready to open our home to everyone. Despite the crappy year it's been, I'm determined to make Christmas one of the bright spots and enjoy some time off. My vacation has officially started, and I'm excited to catch up on some great reading, great shows, and visits with family.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

There is a season

We recently got some sad news about L.'s step mom, J. She was a breast cancer survivor several years ago, and had been doing well after recovery for some time. About a year and a half ago, or maybe even two years now (time just flies), she found out that she had liver and lung cancer. She has been through many treatments, and while the early prognosis seemed to be promising, things have been slowly declining over time. Today, L.'s dad, C., emailed us to let us know that the decline is becoming more rapid now. The doctor is hoping she will make it through the holidays, and in true J. fashion, she cried bollocks and intends to go down to California for another treatment at the end of the month. I pray that she is able to go and that it makes a difference. I can honestly say that in her position, I don't think I'd have such a great attitude about it all. Some people are truly special that way, and it seems so tragic that they are the ones afflicted with such awful things. L. and I are going down to Florida for Thanksgiving to be with them and hope to have a nice time with them over the holidays. And I pray for her to have comfort and love at this time.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Approve Referendum 71

In Washington state, we have a referendum up for vote called referendum 71. The premise of this particular referendum is to protect domestic partnerships in WA state. For more info about why I'm for approving this particular referendum, see Vote Approve on Ref 71.

I have a little bit of a history with this particular referendum. Earlier this year, I was outside gardening when my neighbor came over. She came over with her two sons, whom I mostly recognize because they are very polite and always ring our doorbell when their ball flies over our fence and ask whether they can go into the back yard to get it. I attended a 4th of July potluck with neighbors from our cul de sac over a year ago, and met the whole family. They are a very nice, albeit quite religious, family. Anyway, back to the day of gardening. My neighbor asks me whether I'm registered to vote, and I answer yes. She asks whether I will sign a petition for a referendum in our upcoming election, and I say yes without even thinking about it. This is because I have always had a belief that any referendum, no matter how much I agree or disagree with it, should at least be put up to vote if enough people sign the petition to put it up for vote. This is a great right. When I ask her what referendum it is, she gives me a little background mostly saying that they feel this particular issue should taken to the voters and not just approved by the WA state legislature. As I looked at the sign sheet with big letters of "Protect Families", I could feel myself start to get on the soapbox, and want to give them a good piece of my mind about how it doesn't matter what their religion says, the law is separate. But then I stopped. And I signed it anyway. And L. signed it, too. Not because we want the domestic partnership rights taken away, but because we believe in those rights and want our friends and family to have them. Of course, this is a gamble in part that the referendum will have enough supporters to back it and approve it. And it looks like it might...it's a bit hard to say. I keep praying that it does pass so that we can say that voters passed it, and not just that our legislature supported it to begin with. For some reason, I just didn't feel like getting into it with them. I'm totally fine with people believing in their religion, I just hate it when they want to impose that in law. But, I have to live across the street from these people, and I know from experience how awful things are when you're at odds with a neighbor.

As with anything political, there have been a lot of ads on either side of the issue. But the anti ref 71 ads always crack me up, as they come from that angle of "protecting families." I put this in quotes because I'm not really sure what they are trying to protect families from. Unless you're in a domestic partnership yourself, this particular law has little, if anything, to do with your personal life. What it does grant is couples the right to form committed relationships and have the same rights that are currently granted to married couples. The fact that married couples receive any special recognition or consideration by the government is already violating the separation of Church and State that is so important to our country. So, allowing domestic partnerships is just one way to kind of even out the imbalance, as far as I can see.

Let the individual religions and churches figure out whether "marriage" is between one man and one woman, but let all couples, regardless of gender, enter into partnerships that are recognized by the government as legal, binding commitments. It's only fair.

[Update: I'm seriously rethinking my dedication to signing any and all petitions for referenda. Methinks I may start signing only petitions that I agree with. Not sure...]

Saturday, October 24, 2009

No words

This article from Susan Klebold, mother of one of the Columbine killers, is so sad. I can't even imagine how horrible that must have been for the family. It just goes to show how devastating mental illness is for not only those suffering, but for those around them.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Elbow pain

Recently, L. and I started working out together and hired a personal trainer to help us get on track with our workouts. The first few sessions went OK, and I was enjoying the classes at the gym as well. However, the last couple of sessions left me pretty sore, and both of my elbows really hurt. I let my trainer know, and she eased up on the exercises that forced me to either grip things tightly or bend my arms repeatedly. I also started icing my elbows after working out, taking Ibuprofin, and resting them. We hoped that would help things heal up and I could get on with things again. However, that hasn't really worked. It's been 3-4 weeks now, and even with the vacation and no workouts for the last two weeks, they're still sore. I try to be extra careful with them right now, but sometimes I do something seemingly innocent, like grip the arm of a chair to better position myself or push down on something like a onion when I'm slicing it, and my elbow screams in pain. Anyway, I ended up skipping my workout tonight and will call the doctor in the morning. I hope that she can help me figure out something to get things back on track. It sure sucks getting older.

Thursday, October 01, 2009

We'll be up five hundy by midnight, baby!

I realize it's been a very long time since my last post. Probably no one is even following this now, since I fell off the face of the earth for awhile. But, no matter. I can start back up again finally, since life has returned to a somewhat more normal schedule and state.

The most amazing thing is that it has been nearly a year since L. and I tied the knot. We're heading to Las Vegas tomorrow for an extended weekend to celebrate our year anniversary. We're going to do it up right, staying at the Bellagio and going to see some fun and sexy shows. Both of us have been working so hard lately, that we're beyond excited about the ability to just get away from it all and have some fun.

Friday, July 10, 2009

Useless media coverage

You know, I do understand the impact that Michael Jackson had on music. And I do think that it's sad that he died fairly young, even though it seemed like his life was rather riddled with turmoil. But since his death, I can't turn on the TV without there being some "media" outlet speculating about every flippin' thing around his death, from where his body actually is to all of the details of his will and the DNA of his children. Now his dermatologist is on the news reporting about his cosmetic procedures. I'm not sure about much, but I don't think I'd want to take credit for work on that face. I'm just sayin'... I'm hoping that the coverage dies down a bit soon so that we can go back to a normal existence, if there ever was one.

Thursday, July 02, 2009

Spinsters

Last night, I was working late at the office when the janitor, W., came by. He's a friendly, cheerful fellow from China and although a bit tough to understand at times, he sure likes to chat. One of my favorite things he does is ask me whether he can empty the waste basket and recycling bin in my office. I always want to chuckle, but he asks it so seriously as though I might put up a fight that he's carting away the trash, and as I don't want to offend him, I always answer back cheerfully, "yes, please do. Thank you!"

Recently, I've been working late quite a bit as I try to finish up stuff for my last job and ramp up for my new one. So, W. has made an effort to get to know me better, since our paths are crossing quite frequently now. I also suppose that as a night-time janitor it is nice to have some human contact in an otherwise lonely building.

Our conversation last night included how to correctly pronounce my name and whether I was married and had children. I told him that I was indeed married for just under a year, but did not have children. When asked how old I was, I answered 31.

This got him to talking about his daughter, who is 30 and unmarried. More than that, she does not have a boyfriend or love interest. This is of great concern to W. He worries that she is becoming a spinster, and discussed the tragedy of older women who are unable to find mates. He is working hard and wants to bring her here to find a husband, because he wants her to be happy. This got me to thinking about the single guys who work late in our building. I'm curious whether W. has tried telling them about his daughter in the hopes that she might land a software engineer. I can only imagine the conversation, but it makes me smile.

Anyway, I tried telling him that it will happen if it's meant to be, but I'm not sure my meaning came across. I realize that my attitude is probably different than a lot of people, Chinese or not, especially considering that I told my own (current) husband that I didn't have a need to get remarried after my divorce and that I find kids to be a kind of take-it-or-leave it proposition. But I found it sweet that this woman has a father who is so concerned about her, especially from a country where women are not prized and female babies are often given up or killed in order to try and procure a son. It was clear that his concern was not just cultural, but caring. He wants her to be happy and have a family, and I can only hope that it will happen for her if it's in the cards and her wish as well.

Crack me up

L. and I saw this awhile back on SNL and I about spit water through my nose. We got to talking about it again, so I looked it up and enjoyed it all over again.



"Yes, that is bad..."

Wednesday, July 01, 2009

Moving along

So, things have been getting a bit better again. I went to Chicago last week/end for a few days for my grandma's funeral, and it was difficult (as was expected) but also somewhat fun (totally unexpected). The difficult part was saying goodbye to grandma and trying to work through the feelings that I had about her passing and my failure to visit her more often, especially in the end. But the fun part was seeing some family that I hadn't seen in many years and realizing that there are people related to me who I hardly even know. My aunt, A., and cousin, H., came down from Minnesota for the funeral, and I hadn't seen them in probably 16-17-ish years. Since I was pre-teen brat at that point, and my cousin was about 5-6 years younger, I recall not really liking her that much because we had nothing in common.

This time around, it was different because we are both older and wiser, and had in common the passing of our grandmother. We stayed in a hotel in De Kalb and spent a lot of time catching up and learning about one another again, and it was really nice to hear about her and her brothers (who could not make it, unfortunately). We left this time promising to stay in better touch and not let years go by before we meet up again.

Grandma's funeral and burial were nice. My dad did a great job pulling everything together, and we were thankful that the funeral home provided a limo and driver to take us between the service and her burial site 45 minutes away. It gave us the necessary time to process what we experienced at the service and her viewing, before laying her to rest. The pastor rode with us in the limo, and we had a nice chat with her about her experience becoming a pastor so late in life. After the burial, we went over to a cousin's house in Marseilles for drinks and food, and had a nice time catching up with everyone who came. All in all, it was a nice day and something that I'm sure that grandma would have loved. We had many wonderful stories to tell about her and how much of an impact she had on us all. She will be missed dearly.

I'm still working through some of the grief and guilt. I met with my counselor yesterday and have been praying a lot. Somehow, this has hit me in a way I wasn't quite expecting. But I'm getting through it and I'm thankful for everyone who sent cards or emails and comments to let me know that I'm in their thoughts and prayers.

Monday, June 22, 2009

Grief

Grief definitely works in mysterious ways. This weekend has been a series of ups and downs with some in-between moments. I slept 14 hours Friday night, and woke up feeling a bit better. Being exhausted always makes things just that much worse. I spent most of my time either working out in the yard or cleaning the house. Doesn't sound too exciting, but when there is chaos I like to try and create order, which is exactly what I did this weekend.

The thing that just floors me, though, is how random grief is. You can be going along and think that things are going OK again, and then BAM! Grief sneaks back up on you in the strangest moments and reminds you that you've still got some things to work through. Earlier tonight I was doing alright, and then I went upstairs to take a shower and for some reason grief just overcame me for no particular reason. So, I had a good cry in the shower and then got out feeling a bit better again. Who knows what tomorrow will bring. I'll be heading back to work, and hopefully it will go better than my attempt on Friday, which led to nowhere fast.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Saying goodbye

Tonight, I am saying goodbye to my Grandma K. She passed away earlier this evening, around 7:00 PM. This, of course, comes no more than about two weeks after my Grandpa M. passed away. I will be heading back to her little farming town outside of Chicago for her funeral, likely next week when the plans are figured out.



This is a picture of me as a baby, when she and my Grandpa K. came to visit us in my childhood home in Tukwila, WA. They look so young and different than what they became. My Grandma K. outlived Grandpa K. by nearly a quarter of a century, making it to her mid-90s. But, my Grandpa K. passed away in 1986, which was less than 10 years after that photo. The last time I saw him, he was in the hospital for a bypass, and he died a few weeks thereafter after he came home and took a nap from which he never woke. My last memories of him are hooked up to machines and holding a little mug that I bought him with hearts on it and some message like, "I love my grandpa." I remember listening to Gloria Estefan a lot on my Walkman during that trip, since we were always in the car going back and forth to visit him at the hospital. I still regret not going to that funeral, but my parents thought that it would be too difficult for me to experience something like that so young, so they didn't let me go. It was a tough time anyway. My parents had recently divorced and everything was full of turmoil. Everything happens for a reason, and for whatever reason, I wasn't meant to go to his service.

I remember lots of fun times going out to visit them in their sleepy little farming town when I was a kid. We'd go to visit my Great Grandma K. in Ottowa, who lived to 99 before she passed away. We'd go have lunch out at Shabbona Lake. And we'd always go on trips to the various places the family had farmed thoughout their lives, and visited the graveyards to bring flowers to those who went before us. This time those flowers will be for my Grandma K. as well. I'll have to take on the duty of making sure to pick out the right flowers and have the things we need to clean up the graves and make them look pretty again.

When I was younger, I went out to visit my grandma every summer and she was always ecstatic to see me. As a very young girl, she would put me in the basket of her bicycle and we would ride around town, while she showed me off to neighbors - her little granddaughter. We would walk through the forest and collect pinecones and acorns and leaves in the fall. And one winter, we received so much snow there that my dad and I built an igloo out in the backyard. She hummed and sang constantly, and she had such a funny voice. I can't even think of how to describe it, yet I'll always remember how she went about her business while humming and singing along. She always wore these heavy-duty shaping undergarments that just looked so uncomfortable. They weren't quite corsets, but they were close enough. She wore these even up to my last visit, when I meant to tell her that it was OK if she didn't want to wear those things anymore, but then thought better of it since it really was such a part of her and she felt it was important to do things by the book.

She always remembered my birthday and sent me money for the holidays. And she always wrote that she prayed for me every day and thanked God for me in her life. She loved her family fiercely, no matter how ridiculous we all are in our own ways. What are we supposed to do now that she is gone?

As I got older, my visits became less and less frequent, spanning a couple or a few years at a time. She was no longer well enough to travel out our way, so we always went to Chicago to see her.



My last visit to see her was almost two years ago. The picture above is from that visit. L. and I made a trip out to visit her with my dad, and then went on to Detroit to visit L.'s grandparents. At the time, Grandma K. was still living in the house she had shared with my Grandpa K. so many years before. But her health was clearly starting to fail, she was sleeping all the time, and her mind started to go as well. We had a few tense moments in public when things didn't make sense to her. She had already broken her hip several years before that and recovered, but had then fallen again at one point and didn't remember to use her life alert, so she waited until her caretaker came to check in on her later that day. At that point, I talked to my dad and the caretaker, and we decided that she needed to go into an assisted living home so that she would be safer. I had a picture of her getting confused at some point and deciding to go down into the basement to get something, then falling and hurting herself again. She agreed to go to the assisted living home, but not without some discussion and fear. A few weeks after that, she fell in the bathroom in her apartment there and hurt herself, so she had to go to the nursing home thereafter. Every since that, she was never really the same.

Everything I know after that point is second hand. My dad has gone out to see her and take care of her business every two to three months since that time. Sometimes she would be conscious and know who he was, other times she would only sleep and not recognize him. I should have gotten out there at some point to visit her, but I never did. I can make the excuse that it was never a good time to go, and I suppose in some ways that was true, what with last year being so busy with my relatively new job, buying the house, and all of the stuff with the wedding last year, and then my crappy health situation earlier this year. And I figured it was always dubious whether she would recognize her visitors or not, so I could never be sure that it would matter much anyway. But no matter what, I just think that I was a bad granddaughter for not going to visit her regardless of whether she would have known I was there or not. And I actually planned to visit her in July with my dad, because I feared that it wouldn't be much longer until she passed. But, I waited too long and now I'll never have that chance. I hope she understands and can forgive that part of me, since I know that I let both of us down on that one. But I hope that she knew that I really did love her and still do, and will always cherish the memories I have of her.

Saturday, June 13, 2009

Life recap

Sorry, it's been awhile since I've written, mostly because I have been devoid of much free time lately. It's been an interesting month, full of both good and sad things.

First, the sad, so we can just get through that and onto the happy news. Mid last month, we got news that one of my grandfathers was going downhill pretty rapidly. He'd been fighting lung cancer (although never actually a smoker himself) for almost a year before needing to stop chemo because it was too hard on his body. Within a couple of months, the cancer took over his lungs entirely, and spread to his lymph system and throat. This was in addition to a weak heart. L. and I traveled to Eastern WA to visit him on Memorial Day weekend, and he had definitely taken a turn from the last time we saw him over the holidays. He was still mentally there, but it was clear that he was very tired and he was constantly going in and out of naps.

When we left, I had a feeling that it was likely the last time I would see him alive. And it was. He passed away about 2-1/2 weeks later at home with my aunts and grandma. We went back over last weekend for the funeral, and as you'd expect, it was difficult for everyone. We were all happy that he was no longer suffering, but it's always sad to say goodbye to someone you love. During the funeral, I stood up and incoherently blubbered my way through my memories of him giving me his history magazines when I was growing up and the interesting conversations we had. This is a man who made it out of WWII and the Battle of the Bulge alive, so he had stories and then some. Others stood to share their memories of him, and it was clear to everyone that he did so many things for people and shared so much of his life with others that he will never be forgotten.

We went to the funeral home to see him in his casket, and I have to say that I'm really glad I did that. Otherwise, my last memory of him would always be his frail body hunched over in his chair, hooked up to machines and the pulled look on his face as he slept. In his casket, he looked more like he did in better days, and my mom immediately gasped, "he really suffered, didn't he?" She was surprised at the difference between when she had last seen him (also during the holidays) and the way that he looked in his casket. I agreed that he had definitely suffered, and the end was not kind to him. but seeing him in his suit and his face no longer strained went a long way in convincing me that he is in a better place now and no longer suffering from his illness. I could not make it to his burial, being in the middle of the day on Monday, but I came home and made a fresh bouquet of peonies from my yard, which my parents took to the burial. He would have loved that, because he loved plants and flowers, and cared for not only his own yard, but also the yards of his neighbors and his church. I am seriously sad that he fell ill before L. and I got situated in our house, of I would have loved to have him visit and teach us about how to care for our yard and garden. He would have had a lot of knowledge to impart on that subject.

In happier news, I got a new position at work. I'm still writing technical documentation, but I'm taking on a new technology that has to be done from scratch and managing a couple of contractors for the task. It's a really awesome opportunity, and the contractors on this project are really great. I think it's going to be a really good move for me, and something that will make me happier in the long run as this project is full of the kinds of problems I just love to solve.

And finally, this last week, my friend A. from NY came to visit. It was so great to see her and spend some time just hanging out. We always have so much fun together, and she is someone I can be totally sarcastic with, which I love. I took Wednesday off so that we could go do something, and we ended up going shopping and getting our nails done. Unfortunately, in the middle of the day she realized that she was missing her ATM card, so there were a couple of hours of panic as we retraced steps and called to cancel the card. Fortunately, things worked out OK and no one had tried to use the card, so she was able to just cancel it without a problem. We also watched So You Think You Can Dance (known to L. and me as Shobie Doobie Doobie Dance, Dance, Dance) and Extras (with Ricky Gervais), so that was fun. I always like a good reality show and comedy show.

So, that's it for the moment. I'll try to be better about blogging again, but I'm literally doing two jobs right now until someone takes over my old position, which leaves me with little time for anything. But it will be totally worth it, especially since I feel energized about my job in a way I haven't in a very long time.

Saturday, May 16, 2009

Not sure whether to be offended or flattered

I love Sephora, and tend to get most of my cosmetics there. I just received an email with recommendations that were just for me. The picks? All anti-aging treatments. Hmmm. Nothing that I've purchased from them ever were anti-aging in any way, so the only thing I can figure is that my profile lets them know I'm in my early 30s. So, ugh, I guess thanks. Except, I don't really care all that much about aging enough to slather tons of products on my already sensitive skin. The cosmetics that I do use are usually for sensitive skin and I rarely wear makeup any way. I'm just fine with looking like I've had a good life and somewhere around my own age.

Wednesday, May 06, 2009

Don't forget to bring a towel

What happened to the quality of towels? When I was growing up, my parents had (and used!) the same set of towels for like 20+ years. My parents still have them, although they've recently been relegated to duties other than drying people. But really, those were some seriously well-made towels.

Since L. and I got married, we received a plethora of wonderful, fluffy new towels as shower and wedding gifts. Tonight I was reorganizing the linen closet a bit, and ended up taking out all of the towels to refold and organize them better. Over time, as we do laundry, things constantly get folded in different ways and thrown in whereever they best fit. And at some point, I get fed up with looking at it that way and take everything out and redo it. This may sound odd, but I find it quite calming to do such a task, especially when everything else in my life seems so crazy. It's an easy way for me to put order into things quickly and feel an almost immediate sense of accomplishment. Also, I'm probably at least somewhat OCD, so having things in order just makes me feel better about everything in general.

As I was going through the older towels (ones that L. and I brought from our respective single lives into our marriage), I realized that some of the towels are a little worse for wear. And we're not talking about terribly old towels, either. Some of these are only a few years old, and yet they're starting to look threadbare or the edges are starting to unravel. Clearly they're not making towels like they used to. I'm hopeful that the ones we received as wedding gifts will hold out better over time. I love them and there's nothing like stepping out of a nice hot shower into a huge fluffy towel in a lovely color or with a nice pattern. I'm a huge fan of color, pattern, and texture. Just ask about the clothes and accessories I've purchased almost entirely due to discovering adorable lining or some other detail that no one but me knows about.

Meanwhile, as I went about my OCD task, Oli raced back and forth in the hallway and up and down the stairs. When he gets into this state, I tell him that I'll enter him in the Doggie 500 competition if there ever is such a thing. He's the dog equivalent of a race car. Occasionally, he would stop by his pit crew (me) for a quick pat on the head and a gulp of water, and then it was back to it. Sometimes he'd come bearing the gift of a chewie toy he'd discovered somewhere along his journey, and others just for a quick how-do-you-do. After expending that energy, he was happy to plod into his crate for the night to get some sleep. I'm sure he'll dream of funny things. If you don't think that dogs dream, you should see my dog in the middle of a deep slumber. There's definitely something going on up in that tiny head of his. I can only imagine what plays in his mind every night.

(Quick aside about the title of this post: Towelie is by far one of my favorite South Park characters of all time - who doesn't love an adorable, constantly-high, usually inanimate object like Towelie reminding you to bring a towel?)

Sunday, May 03, 2009

Reunited, and it feels so good...

L. is coming home from Brazil on Thursday. This is almost two weeks earlier than originally planned. We are both beyond excited about this development, as I'm sure you can imagine. It sounds like he'll be able to continue working on his project from here along with the other folks who went there, except for one guy who will probably go back to manage things from that side. I'm really happy that he'll be able to be home for the summer. Overall, three months wasn't too terribly long for us to be apart, but it is a lot of work to keep the house going and the yard, as well as my work (which is always crazy) and our puppy. So, I'm looking forward to having him home for that, too. Afterall, he's not just a pretty face (even though he is quite handsome, in my humble opinion...).

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Existential crises

You know when you get to a point in life when you suddenly question most everything about your path and beliefs? It's been on my mind a lot lately, mostly thanks to some random crap going on with various family members and friends that I'm not going to go into now. I've been reading the book Passages by Gail Sheehy, and apparently my age makes me ripe for this kind of mind play. I will say that it is exhausting. And I think it's good that I have an appointment with my counselor this afternoon to kind of get some of this goodness out in an appropriate way, rather than shaving my head or hitting cars with umbrellas a la Britney Spears or something.

Also, I don't likey the whole thing going on with the swine flu. Thankfully I haven't had to take prednisone now since January, so hopefully my immune system is mostly back to "normal" now (if there is such a thing with my body), but man. I don't like the sound of it one bit. Maybe being a recluse wouldn't be such a bad thing right now. Time to go crawl under a rock. Oh wait, I can't because I'm a responsible person and have a job and other responsibilities to take care of. Hmmm.

Monday, April 20, 2009

Weekly recap

I started my diet again this week, in a slightly modified way. I realize that I am prone to extremes. Often, I'm not living in the middle ground. Case in point - when I did 20/20, I really did 20/20. I followed it religiously and even turned down cake on my own 30th birthday. Then, when things wound down and we got to the wedding/honeymoon phase of last year, I totally went in the opposite direction. I ate anything and everything, and threw all of my knowledge out the window. Guess what that got me, especially when I started having awful health problems for a few months? Lots and lots o' pounds put back on the ol' ass.

So, this time I'm allowing myself to have some of the best of both worlds. I did really well this week. All protein shakes, lean proteins, veggies, lots of water, and only a few diet sodas. By Friday, I decided that I could indeed have a 6-pc chicken McNugget meal at McDonalds with medium fries and a diet coke. And yesterday I had a chocolate bar. I made sure that this still fit within a good caloric range and ate well the rest of the time. And guess what? I feel much more satisfied. I think it's unrealistic for me to think that I can never have any of the foods that are "bad" for you, when it's just as unrealistic for me to believe that I can subsist on those alone. So, the key has to be moderation, something which I'm not always great at achieving. But somehow, I think that this plan might work out better over time because it puts less focus on perfection, and more focus on living within my means.

At the end of the week, I'm down 5 pounds, which is really probably mostly water weight, although I did get out and walk a lot this week when it was nice. I also steam cleaned my carpets (no easy task), mowed the yard, and weeded. So, I got some good physical activity in addition to the reasonable diet. My hope is that if I continue with this, some of the weight will just continue to work itself off, even if it is at a slower pace over time than it was when I was in the 20/20 program. But that's OK. I've got time.

Monday, April 13, 2009

Alt, Ctrl, Delete

Today is my alt+ctrl+delete day, the day where I restart my diet and exercise regimen. I gained back 25 of the 45 pounds that I lost on 20/20, and it's very frustrating in part because a lot of it was due to how sick I've been and other various health problems which really kicked me off of the exercise bandwagon. But I also haven't been eating as well or paying as much attention to measuring and portions, so there's some personal blame to go into that, too.

But last week was a fairly stable health week with the exception of almost throwing my back out after gardening for hours on end for several days, and not really listening to that little twitch in my back earlier in the week when it started warning me that it was not happy. In any case, I decided that today would be the day that I get serious again and make up some lost ground. So, I started at stage 2 of the 20/20 diet process (lean proteins, protein shakes, and non-starchy veggies). Plus drinking tons of water and exercising. I got on the elliptical tonight and did some situps, so I'm sure that I'll feel some of that tomorrow. I started to do some push ups, but my elbow was really hurting, for some unknown reason. I have no idea what's up with that, but I decided not to push it too much (no pun intended), so I stuck with 5 and will see how it feels tomorrow.

So, here we go again. I feel like I've been on this ride before...

Tuesday, April 07, 2009

Questions that go unanswered

Recently, I'm getting a lot of "so when are you and L. going to have kids?" or "are you and L. going to have kids?"

It makes sense, considering we just got married in October and have our proverbial ducks in a row: jobs, check; marriage, check; house, check; relatively stable, check. However, it's a question that I continue to answer in a sort of wishy-washy way. Depending on how well I know the person, I'll actually divulge more or less of the truth. For people we don't know well, I'll say, "probably in the next few years." For people that we know better, I'll say, "perhaps, but we haven't yet made up our minds. It's not a priority for us." Most people who know me, know that children are not really a priority in my life. It's not that I don't see myself having kids - I can see it and sometimes entertain the possibility - but it's that I'm not sold on idea of having them.

Tonight there was a special on Oprah having to do with the new show, "In the Motherhood". I haven't seen it, but apparently it started on the Web and now it's a huge hit, so they're taking it to the TV network. The goal is to illustrate the funny and more difficult part of having children. A little less of the fantasy, and more of the reality, if you will. The part I found interesting was how many women kept saying, "no one tells you this kind of stuff" and "I just wasn't prepared for [something weird]." I'm not sure if these women were raised under a rock, but I think there are plenty of women who will tell you the realities of motherhood. There ain't nothing appealing about it to me. The crying, the tantrums, the constant testing, the sickness, the worry, etc. I think that changing diapers is probably one of the easier parts of motherhood, from what I've seen from my friends and family members. So, that's why I'm pretty hesitant to jump in with both feet yet.

Sometimes I feel like an alien inside of a woman's body. I just turned 31, and yet I have no ticking clock. Isn't this when everyone says that you're supposed to start freaking out and start picturing babies everywhere? Because if so, I certainly missed the memo. I'm still as far away from wanting children as I've ever been. Well, strike that. I'm almost as far away. I can definitely say that with L., I can see that he would be a good dad and try in every way possible to be there for his family. I didn't feel that way about my ex-husband. So, at least I'm off to a better start with L. on this one. But neither one of us is really tipping heavily in the having children direction. So, I dunno. We might want to just have a nice life together, and be our own family of two (well, three if you count the dog).

Part of my deal (and I think L.'s deal, too) is that we want everything to be situated and for things to be almost a guarantee. And children don't come with that. You can't take them back to the store when something goes wrong. And when difficulties happen, you have to work through them. Like my mom once said, "there's never a perfect time to have children, because they'll always interrupt something and cause your path to change." And that's friggin' scary for someone who has already had to deal with all kinds of change (good and bad) throughout her life, and frankly would like some smooth sailing for awhile.

I suppose part of my fear is that I have no maternal instinct whatsoever, so I feel as comfortable holding a football as I do a baby. But everyone says that that kind of stuff comes to you when you have your own child. I dunno. Everyone says a lot of things that don't appear to ring true for me. Although, I do think that in the end, I would probably figure things out and would make a good mother. I also think about the future, and I know that the whole point of having kids isn't so much for the here and now, but for later in life. And considering how much I love my family, I can see the value in continuing that process. So, we'll see. I guess until we decide, I'll just keep the answers a bit open-ended and leave it at that.

P.S. Is it a sign that I think dogs are cuter and more tolerable than kids?

Monday, March 30, 2009

Getting back on track

Finally, finally, finally - I may finally be getting over all of this stupid cold/flu business from the last few months. I hesitate to say too much about any of it, and I will make sure to knock on wood right now to not jinx anything.

I celebrated my 31st birthday last Wednesday, and it was an interesting feeling. I went out to dinner and a play with my mom, since L. is still away for work in Brazil. During our dinner, I talked with my mom about where my life is at right now, and how I'm not really sure what's next but I figure there has got to be *something* else coming along the way. She said that she felt the same way in her early 30s, and mentioned the book "Passages" by Gail Sheehy. She fished it out of her library over the weekend, and passed it on to me for a good read. Based on the first several pages, I can say that nothing as traumatic as having someone have their face blown off right in front of me has happened recently, or ever for that matter. So, I don't yet connect with what she is saying, but then I'm not quite 20 pages into it yet. So, we'll see. My mom swears that this answered a lot of questions for her, so I'm sure that there will be some good info to glean from the pages.

Other than that, I think I'm finally getting the point where I can focus on the diet and exercise stuff again, which will be good. Being sick for a few months can really throw a wrench into weight loss, and I'm frustrated that I've actually gained. That's what happens when my butt is glued to the couch instead of the balance ball. Oh well. This is going to be a lifelong issue, I'm afraid, so I'd better get used to times where I'm thrown off track and gain some, and then need to work hard to get it off again. Whee!

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Again with the pills

So, all this time I've been complaining about having a lack of immune system. However, it appears that right now I have an overreactive immune system. At least, that's how I'm understanding the whole allergies-to-the-point-you-want-to-die phenomenon that I'm currently experiencing. This has, of course, caused my asthma to crop up again, which is always a lovely follow-up to having been sick and then being smacked with allergies. The last issue in this fabulous trifecta is acid reflux. I had problems with acid reflux for many years, and after having lost weight last year on the 20/20 program, I went off of my Prilosec for the first time in a very long time. Now, I'm not sure that was the best idea. Apparently the recurrent sore throat and increasingly severe throat and ear pain is likely due to acid reflux. And there is a link between asthma and acid reflux, so it's good times all around.

She also had me do a test for strep and mono, of which the strep came out negative (thank God) and the mono we won't know about until tomorrow maybe. I kind of doubt that it's mono though, because L. had it a couple of years ago and despite my exposure, I never got it. Turns out that most people get resistant to it after exposure as kids without ever developing the symptoms. So, I think that would be highly unlikely, especially considering I have no fever although I'm as cold as a freezer. I got up earlier and got out of my blanket for a couple of minutes and my teeth were literally chattering. Seriously. So, I'm not sure what's up with that. My body temperature is lower, but it tends to run about a degree lower than the normal 98.6 degrees that is "normal" anyway.

My doctor put me on three medications today in hopes that we can get this trifecta under control, AGAIN I might add. Plus the Ibuprofin for the extreme throat and ear pain. So, four things not to mention the existing asthma medication I use. Blech. You know, one day I'd love to know what it's like to be a normal human being with a normal immune system that either reacts properly to germs or doesn't overreact to stuff like plants and grasses, etc. That would be really awesome. With the way things are looking, though, I suppose I shouldn't hold my breath.

Saturday, March 14, 2009

Theo Chocolate

Today, my manager took our team to an offsite morale event at The Chocolate Factory in Freemont, house of Theo chocolates. They have the incredible distinction of being the only organic and fair-trade chocolate factory in the US. We got to go on a tour of the factory (which even included hairnets!) and hear all about the history of chocolate and how they make chocolate at the factory. It was a really cool afternoon, and it was full of many wonderful samples of their goods. I had no idea how much work it actually takes to get chocolate into its yummy form that we are familiar with. I was also surprised at how much it smells like coffee beans when it starts out. I bought several bars before we headed out for lunch at a local Italian restaurant. It was a really fun day with the people on my team, and I think it was much needed. We've been working really hard and it was time to get out of the office together and connect on a different level than our normal day-to-day stress of trying to get our documentation planned, written, and published.

Monday, March 09, 2009

Huh? Come again?

I drove by a road-side billboard recently that just had my puzzled. It's an ad for Snickers candybars, which reads:

"Take a sabbatical to
Feedgypt"

With the "Feedgypt" in the same print as the normal Snickers logo. I'm sure there's a simple explanation, no?

Or it's because she's a plastic doll

The hypertext for this link read "Barbie & the Big 5-0: How the Birthday Girl Stays Georgous and Relevant." Then when you click on the link, you see, "A Barbie World: No wonder Barbie looks so great at 50—the ultimate blonde bombshell has 25 hair and makeup pros on call."

Ummmm. Right. Or it's because she's an inanimate object that does not possess the capability of aging. You know, because she's a pastic doll. Contrary to the article, I don't think she's had botox. Not to say that I didn't like Barbie when I was a girl. I had several Barbies, one Ken (who was shared by all of the girls at various times), the Barbie mansion, and the Barbie Ferarri. I also had the Barbie dance club, which had a dance floor that you could strap Barbie's feet in and move a lever to make her move from one side to the other. I'll never forget the endless hours my friends and I spent playing with our Barbies, doing their hair, and making clothes for them. But you know, at the end of the day my Barbies never grew back their hair or had their arms put back on when something bad happened (we also had many experiments to see how tough Barbie was), because she was a doll. No botox or lipo required.

Monday, March 02, 2009

Concern of the day

The DOW went under 7000 today - by a couple hundred points. Sure am glad that I've been stocking my money away in a 401K plan so that everyone can cash out of stocks and leave the rest of us behind wondering how we'll retire! Because we sure didn't lose enough money in our retirement plans last year. Good times... I'm thinking I'll need to work on a plan B for retirement. Of course, retirement is still many years away (unfortunately or fortunately, I can't decide), so I guess I have a little bit to figure things out.

Thursday, February 26, 2009

Snow, redux

We are being covered by snow...again. I cannot even begin to explain how much I hate snow by now. We have had so much this winter, and the first couple days are always charming. You sit inside with your cup of tea and look outside at the white blanket that covers your yard. Life slows down a little bit and you get some things done around the house, because there's really no use in going out and either getting stuck in the snow yourself, or watching other dingbats get stuck. By about day three, it's starting to get old and you get cabin fever. Any longer than that, and you'd better have a significant other who is capable of driving in the snow and likewise has a dependable vehicle for driving in the snow.

Didn't anyone tell the weather system that this is Seattle? Move along now... The weather report shows that this is supposed to subside later today, so hopefully that's true and it won't be sticking around. With L. in Brazil, I am without a snow chauffer today and I have a hair appointment this evening that I simply cannot miss or I'm going to go all Britney on my hair. You know, not because my life is a mess, but because I feel like I have a mop on my head and have lost the ability to do anything meaningful with it by now.

Thursday, February 19, 2009

I feel like I'm repeating myself

Probably because I actually am, in a way. I'm either still sick or sick again. I'm not really sure which it is. See, the flu/cold thing that was going on the last couple of weeks never entirely went away. I've had a sore throat in some form for almost two weeks now, whether it be the feeling of having had razor blades run down my throat or just annoying irritation from post nasal drip. Things were definitely looking up until late last night/earlier today. So far, I've heard from several people who have been dealing with a similar thing, so I know I just need to let it run its course. But my gawd this is annoying as hell. I'd like to resume some kind of normal existence. And waking up early this morning with a totally stuffed head and sore throat again was certainly not charming. I've got to avoid antibiotics at all costs, though, because I'm running out of ones that don't cause an allergic reaction and I'm only 30 years old. If I want to make it to 90 like my grandfather is (this year in fact), I can't be running out of antibiotic options when it really matters. So, suffer through this I will!

I garnered up enough energy to throw on some sweat pants and head to Fred Meyers to pick up some more cold medicine, crackers, and ginger ale this afternoon, since I've depleted my supplies and honestly wasn't expecting to get sick again right away. I'm sure I looked really great running around the store like a zombie, but I found my stuff and checked out. Normally this is the kind of thing that L. would do for me, but Brazil is pretty far away from the Fred Meyers and our house. But I'm all set now and ready to curl up in my blanket and try to get my dog to understand that mama has no energy to chase him around the house with his toys tonight.

Monday, February 16, 2009

Valentine's Day Weekend

L. and I celebrated our first married Valentine's Day on Saturday night. It was a little bit of a hectic weekend because we were also getting L. ready for his business trip to Brazil, but more about that later. First the Valentine's Day celebration.

On Saturday, we both slept in a bit, since I had been sick all last week and L. was not fully sick but was fighting a little something. We got up, and I gave L. his Valentine's Day presents. I got him several books about his favorite subject, music. I also got him a really cool archive of Rolling Stone magazines on DVDs - all 40 years worth. Oli got his daddy lots of good treats for the plane and hotel room.

I then took some extra time to get ready for L.'s surprise. I knew that I needed to get dressed up, but I wasn't sure what for. I found a cute black dress and accessorized with a cute bag, shoes, and wrap for the night. I did up my makeup and then we headed out to the surprise location, during which L. gave me a gift - the movie Ratatouille, which is one of my favorites. It was sort of a clue of what was to come, which was a phenomenal dinner.

As we headed into downtown Seattle, I could only guess at where we were going because there are so many great places to eat downtown. We stopped in front of El Gaucho, and I suddenly got excited to try some steak. L. knows that my alltime favorite steak is at the Met, and I've heard that El Gaucho rivals the Met as far as steaks. We got inside and headed downstairs to a beautiful room with candlelit tables and a live jazz band. We waited for a few minutes to be seated, so we danced a fox trot and a swing dance to the live music along with some other guests. We were then seated and had a moment to drool over the menu. I chose a Frenched Rib Chop and L. chose a Baseball cut sirloin with lobster, and we shared their mashed potatoes and asparagus. The whole meal was delicious, and was followed up with a fruit, cheese, and cracker course, and then dessert. I had creme brulee, while L. did a wonderful cheesecake with strawberry coulis. The whole thing was incredible, and just as I thought our night was drawing to a close, L. placed a small box in front of me on the table. I opened it up to find a beautiful pair of small white gold loop earrings with diamonds. I immediately went to the restroom to put them in where I had a bit better light. They are georgous and were a total surprise. I've never even seen these before, and somehow L. just knew that they would be perfect for me. They will be great for both everyday wear and for more dressed up events.

Yesterday was busy as we worked to get L. ready for Brazil. I was working on getting an old laptop ready for him to take so that we could use Live Messenger and Skype to communicate while he was down there, since his work computer is locked down by their system admins and we couldn't connect it to the Internet. Just as I got everything done and we were playing around with the software, L. started checking some emails and such and a virus popped up. It turned out to be a particularly awful virus, which I just didn't have enough time to deal with last night, so he left without the computer after all. I was going to rebuild it anyway when he got back, so now I'll just work on doing that while he's away instead. It was so frustrating though. We're hoping that when he gets to Brazil, he can work with the IT guys down there to open up his computer a little bit to allow it to connect to the hotel Internet and do Skype and Messenger at least. We'll see how that goes. If not, it will be just regular old talking on the telephone!

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Mad, mad, mad world

You know, the more I watch the news lately, the more I think that the world has just plain gone mad. There is no more personal accountability, let alone accountability in the highest positions in our country.

I mean, look at the bailouts. Money for organizations that refuse to disclose information like how much money went to whom. And then we get information about these same organizations planning lavish affairs, golden parachutes for CEOs, and bonuses for everyone. What the hell? This at the same time that many people have faced or are facing layoffs and scale backs the likes of which we've not seen for a long time.

Then we have this village idiot who decided to have 8 kids on top of her existing 6 kids. And despite the fact that she said she does not receive welfare, it appears that she receives approximately $1900/month in federal funds and $490/month in food stamps. That was for the existing 6 kids, three of which are disabled. Not to mention that the birth of her new brood of 8 will likely cost one million dollars by the time the babies go home. I'm sorry, but f&*@(! that. If you have the money to pay for your own kids, that's one thing. But if you already receive aid for 6 of them, perhaps you should hang up your uterus and call it a day. If you're on welfare, then no more kids. Take care of the ones you already have and leave it at that. If you had plans for a big family, then figure out how to finance that yourself. I cannot even fathom the kind of person who would actually think that this woman would be a responsible parent for 14 children.

Peanut Corp. of America? If you see salmonella come back in your tests, perhaps you should pull the product and not poison people around the country. Shame on you. And the worst part is that I'm sure there are plenty of other food supply companies around the country who have similar practices and conditions in their facilities. How many more things do we have to be worried about in our pantries?

It's just crazy. Here's the thing. I'm a proud democrat, and I'm proud to pay taxes for things that are important for our communities and country to run smoothly. I want my police, fire department, roads, health care, welfare, etc. to be there for people who legitimately need it. And the fact that we have corporate welfare going on now is just insidious. What about the rest of us out here? I realize that we need to keep our industries going, but some of this is just ridiculous. And even though I support welfare programs, I would sure like to see a lot more accountability go into these programs to help people get off of welfare in a better way, and cut back or end help for people who abuse it like that crazy octuplet mom.

Life update

It's time for another life update, because I find that I just can't keep track of who I've told what to these days.

First, I'm all off of the antidepressants, and so far it's going well. I met with my counselor last week and we had a good discussion about it all. I think that mentally I'm in a pretty good place right now, and after the initial side effects of going off of the medications, I was doing better until...

...the latest health problem has just been this horrible cold, which is the worst I have had in a long time. I think part of the problem is that I was on prednisone (twice) for the allergic reaction I had to antibiotics, so my immune system was way down due to that. So, there was no combatting the germs going around in my office, and now it's just taking me a long time to actually get better. It's so frustrating. Sometimes I wonder how I'm actually supposed to keep going with the weight loss when all of these health problems keep coming up over and over again. The combination of prednisone, plus rash, plus cold has resulted in so little activity over the last few months that I'm going to have to work really hard to even get back to where I was after finishing the 20/20 program. I lost a total of 46 pounds at that time. From what I could tell last time I weighed in, I'd maintained 32 pounds of that. Baaa! It takes so little time for something to upset the apple cart. But my main desire right now would be to just get my immune system back up and running a bit, and work some more activity into my life. We bought a nice elliptical machine and it was delivered last week right as I got so sick. And next month I plan to get a small set of dumbells and free weights to do some things at my house.

Oli is doing well and learning a lot. He had his last round of puppy shots last week and his first haircut (of which I posted pictures). Unfortunately, he still has the giardia infection going on, so we're trying a different medicine for him. It's hard to tell whether he got rid of the infection and just got infected again, or whether it just never cleared up last time. Giardia is tricky. But he's a really good dog, and we have a lot of fun with him. L. took him to puppy class on his own tonight because I was sick, and he came back with glowing reports. He said that Oli is doing well with all of his new things and accomplished all of his tasks.

But the biggest news is that L. is going to Brazil for somewhere between one and three months. He leaves next Monday to work on an aircraft program down there. We're both sad about his leaving, but it is a good thing considering the state of things at his company and with the economy right now. We're trying to avoid layoffs at all costs. There was talk of layoffs at our company, too, but it looks like it doesn't affect our group, at least for the meantime. I hope that continues to hold out. L. will be coming back for about a week in mid March, so I'm sure that we'll retreat into our own little world while he's back.

So, that's where things are at right now. I feel the NyQuil kicking in now, so it's time for me to get ready for bed. Sleep tight...

Sunday, February 08, 2009

Voiceless

So, I've been sick the last several days and pretty miserable, too. Sore throat for almost 5 days now, plus runny nose and congested sinuses, and chest congestion. This morning I woke up without a voice. I'm trying to remember the last time I lost my voice. L. has been taking really good care of me, and Oli wonders what's wrong with his mama. But I'm hopeful that today was the worst day and that now things can start getting better. Pretty please???

Monday, February 02, 2009

Oli's first haircut

Today Oli went in for his first full grooming appointment. I took him to a place where my cousin takes her standard poodle, Hoover. Hoover absolutely loves it there and I thought Oli should have a good experience for his first time. Grooming is a bit traumatic for the pups. Turns out that he did really well, and he looks like a real poodle now. He's so cute!

Before grooming:


After grooming:

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Worst nightmare

...or at least one of them: birth of octuplets.

First of all, I really don't want one, let alone eight, babies coming out of my body. That whole thought just creeps me out. Second, then you have eight babies to raise. OMG. I'd die. This couple will be living one of my worst nightmares.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

This is the day

...that the Lord hath made, we shall rejoice and be glad in it. Amen!

I wore red, white, and blue to work today. When I got here, people were coming back from various viewing areas for the inauguration, and everyone was chatting about how we have hope again. I thought Obama's speech was perfect. It was serious and matched the tone of our current situation. He seemed very stalwart in his message and understanding of the great undertaking ahead.

I think one of the best things was seeing president Bush leave at the end. Don't let the door hit ya on the way out!

Saturday, January 17, 2009

Makes sense

...in an alternate universe. Jennifer Lopez said that she didn't wear her wedding ring to the Golden Globes because it didn't go with her dress. Ummm. It's a wedding ring. The point is that it's the symbol of your love and commitment to your partner, not a fashion statement. Personally, I think that she was feeling ignored by the press covering other celebrity couples, and decided to do something to bring the attention back on herself. I don't know why, but she really irks me for no particular reason.

Plenty of married people manage to wear their rings despite the fact that they might not "go" with their outfit at the time. And, if there ever was a time to wear an 8.5 carat sparkler like J. Lo's ring, it would probably be when you're dressed to the nines for the Golden Globes. I mean, you think my ring matches my outfit when I head to the gym in my pony tail and sweats?

Actually, my jeweler got after me for wearing my ring while weight training because the bar makes little dings in the metal, so I have taken to putting it on a chain when I work out. But it still feels weird when I don't have it on. Right before L. and I got married, I had to leave my engagement ring with our jeweler to have it fit with the wedding band. The whole time I'd forget that I didn't have it on and freak out thinking that I'd lost it somewhere. It just doesn't feel right when I don't have it on.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Well, I wasn't expecting this

So, as I wrote in my last post, I've gone off of my antidepressants due to a possible allergic reaction. I've also now finished up my second round of prednisone and I'm still doing the heavy-duty antihistimine at night and Zyrtek during the day.

The good news? The rash is a lot better. It's still not 100% gone, but it got much better with this round of treatment than it did last time. And it continues to get better, so that's a good sign.

The bad news? Or rather, the news I wasn't expecting? Coming off of an antidepressant can make you feel like you have a nasty bout of the flu. I expected to have some emotional issues, and a little bit of an adjustment period. What I've been dealing with for the last few days is exhaustion (which is also probably due to the antihistimine), headaches, sweating and chills, dizzyness, and nausea. Good times. Plus, my sleep schedule is completely messed up right now. I'm sleeping in the middle of the day and up at 3:00 AM. It's totally weird. But, each day is slightly better than the one before, so I'm hopeful that I'll be back to work tomorrow and that things will continue to go on the upswing.

Then I'll really be able to tell how my emotional state is for all of this. I can say that I'm very thankful for the rash to finally be going away. Having half your body covered in an itchy, painful rash is no picnic either. On with the great experiment...

Saturday, January 10, 2009

A change to my SOP

So, when L. and I went on our honeymoon in France in October, we both got sick with colds. This wasn't surprising considering we were both pretty busy and stressed out getting everything ready in the weeks up to the wedding, and then boarded a germ-ridden plane that's carried more butts than I care to imagine. We both had a couple of rough days when we first got to Paris, which I'm sure was both due to the colds and severe jet lag. But we then started to get better and really hit the ground running on the second day.

However, the nasal stuff really hung on for me throughout the trip and when we got home. And over time, it just got worse and worse, so that I finally went to see the doctor and he put me on antibiotics due to it being a bacterial infection. He threw out the term MRSA, which freaked me out, but based on the test, it wasn't actually MRSA. Just a regular bacterial infection, and he gave me the oral and topical antibiotic (to put in my nose) to treat it from the outside and inside. This was mid November timeframe.

The infection went away, and I was very happy except I had a small itchy spot on my upper right leg. I attributed it to the antibiotic, figuring that I had a reaction like I usually do. Typically, whenever I take antibiotics, I have some kind of allergic reaction. Over time, it went to my other leg and started working up my stomach, chest area, and lower back. I went back in to see my regular doctor in mid December, because my normal treatments (oatmeal baths and lotion, hydrocortizone cream, and benadryl) weren't helping much at all. She thinks it's a reaction to the antibiotics, too. So, she put me on a heavy-duty antihistimine to take at night, Zyrtek for the day, and a 6-day decreasing strength treatment of prednesone. With all of that, things got better, but not 100% better. And a couple of days after ending prednesone, the rash started spreading back to the places where it had cleared up.

So, I went back into my doctor this last week and she looked at everything again. It may have still been kicked off by the antibiotics, but she's wondering whether my antidepressant might be delivering a 1-2 punch. So, I'm working off of the antidepressant now in addition to the nighttime antihistimine, Zyrtek, and a second round of prednesone. I'm hoping that this will cause the rash to go away for good.

I have one more night of my antidepressant and then I'm off altogether. It was a hard decision to make, since I've been on antidepressants of some sort for 10 years, and they completely changed my quality of life. When I think back to the years before I started them (especially in college), with all of the extreme ups and downs, and panicky feelings, I thank God that I went into my doctor and got treatment before I ended things. Yes, it was that bad. Depression and anxiety run in our family, so it's not a huge surprise. And I was smart enough to get help when I needed it.

In any case, I decided that now was a good time to try going off of them and see how it goes. I talked with my counselor about it, and she once asked whether I had ever planned to go off of them, and I said "nope". And I meant it, because I just couldn't imagine going back to the way that things were. But she said that it might be worth trying when things stabilized in my life, and as far as I can tell, now is a good time to do the experiment. And if this antidepressant is causing the allergic reaction, and if it turns out that I still need antidepressants, there are other ones out there to try. But it will be interesting to see whether the last 10 years of counseling and working through deep-seated issues will help me to cope better with my emotions going forward without drugs. I'm hopeful. And I'm ready. I made an appointment with my counselor for Tuesday, and L. is very supportive as is my mom. I know that they're here for me if I fall apart. And that is a scary possibility. But it's one that I'm willing to risk at this point because I think that things are the most stable that they've been in my life for some time, and how wonderful would it be if all of that personal work and coping exercises paid off in an antidepressant-free existance? So, fingers crossed, here we go...

Thursday, January 08, 2009

No-brainer news item

Gu Gu strikes again! Panda attacks zoo visitor: 240-pound animal clamps down on leg of man who climbs into enclosure

Apparently someone climbed into the panda's enclosure at the zoo. This person was the third person to be harmed after climbing into the enclosure. So now the zoo is considering changing the enclosure so that visitors can't get in. I'm not sure what there is to consider. If you're a zoo, you'd better figure out a way to protect your animals from vistors and vice versa. It took me longer to type this blog post than it should take them to make this decision.

Wednesday, January 07, 2009

Happy 2009

Happy New Year! I've had a busy start to 2009, and as such I am behind in my blogging, responding to emails, and finishing up my thank you cards for Christmas gifts. I'm hoping to have some extra time this weekend to take care of the latter two of those things, but figured I'd put a quick blog entry out now while Oli is entertaining himself with his stuffed flying squirrel.

L. and I went to Missoula for Christmas with his parents, and we took Oli with us. It was a really nice week with them and Oli traveled well. We stayed in Eastern Washington with my grandparents on the way over and back to break up the trip. One of my grandfathers was in the hospital, so we spent some extra time with him and my grandma. He has congestive heart failure and lung cancer, but has been managing pretty well for a 88-year old man. However, a few days before Christmas he started having some trouble, so they brought him in for observation and put him on some antibiotics as they suspected an infection. Luckily he got out of the hospital on Christmas day, so we got to see him at home on our way back from Missoula.

We had a quiet day in with L.'s parents for Christmas. We woke up and slowly unwrapped gifts. We grilled steaks and asparagus for dinner. We then watched A Christmas Story and played games. It was very relaxing and a change from most holidays. Because it was just the four of us, there was no rush for anything and none of the usual urgency to get things unwrapped and setup for kids to play with, etc. The only thing we had to worry about was Oli making it to his papers to potty, which he succeeded in doing well. He only had two accidents the whole week, which isn't bad considering we moved him around a lot between my grandparent's house and L.'s parent's house.

The passes were more difficult coming back from Missoula to Seattle. Through Lookout Pass in Idaho, there was one car behind L. that was acting like a total idiot - tailgating people and driving too fast for conditions. He started tailgating L., so L. changed lanes and the guy did the same. So, L. changed lanes again, and the guy sped up fast to pass. His tire then caught the snow buildup off of the divider, and the guy spun out and around back toward us. L. quickly steered around him. We're so lucky that we didn't hit. I'm thankful that I was taking a nap or I probably would have had to change my pants. In any case, it solidified the reason that I, personally, do not drive in the snow. L. is comfortable with it, considering his roots are in Montana. But I don't feel comfortable driving and I certainly don't feel comfortable sharing the road with people who do crap like that.

L. and I both started back at work this week and as it always is with vacations, there is a lot to catch up on. Because of the economy, there are all kinds of worries about layoffs and such, but we just pray that things start to pick up and such measures are not necessary. But we sat down and drew up a budget for this year to work on saving as much as we can to weather out any downturns. And if nothing ends up happening, we'll have the savings for something else like my condo assessment (which has still not begun) or an improvement to our house. We know of a couple of maintenance things that we'll need to do in the next few years to keep things in good working order. We finished paying off the wedding and honeymoon at the end of December, so it is nice to have that off of our plates.

I'm optomistic about 2009, especially considering we'll finally be rid of president shrub. I worry that some people are too optomistic about Obama taking office. I think he will prove to be a great leader, but it will take his admistration some time to work our country out of the hole we're currently in. FDR had four terms to bring the US out of the great depression and world war, and it involved a lot of programs and government action. So, we'll just have to be patient because I'm sure that there are many things the president shrub administration has done that have yet to be revealed to the American public. There is a lot of poop to scoop before we get to the bottom of all of this.