A change to my SOP

So, when L. and I went on our honeymoon in France in October, we both got sick with colds. This wasn't surprising considering we were both pretty busy and stressed out getting everything ready in the weeks up to the wedding, and then boarded a germ-ridden plane that's carried more butts than I care to imagine. We both had a couple of rough days when we first got to Paris, which I'm sure was both due to the colds and severe jet lag. But we then started to get better and really hit the ground running on the second day.

However, the nasal stuff really hung on for me throughout the trip and when we got home. And over time, it just got worse and worse, so that I finally went to see the doctor and he put me on antibiotics due to it being a bacterial infection. He threw out the term MRSA, which freaked me out, but based on the test, it wasn't actually MRSA. Just a regular bacterial infection, and he gave me the oral and topical antibiotic (to put in my nose) to treat it from the outside and inside. This was mid November timeframe.

The infection went away, and I was very happy except I had a small itchy spot on my upper right leg. I attributed it to the antibiotic, figuring that I had a reaction like I usually do. Typically, whenever I take antibiotics, I have some kind of allergic reaction. Over time, it went to my other leg and started working up my stomach, chest area, and lower back. I went back in to see my regular doctor in mid December, because my normal treatments (oatmeal baths and lotion, hydrocortizone cream, and benadryl) weren't helping much at all. She thinks it's a reaction to the antibiotics, too. So, she put me on a heavy-duty antihistimine to take at night, Zyrtek for the day, and a 6-day decreasing strength treatment of prednesone. With all of that, things got better, but not 100% better. And a couple of days after ending prednesone, the rash started spreading back to the places where it had cleared up.

So, I went back into my doctor this last week and she looked at everything again. It may have still been kicked off by the antibiotics, but she's wondering whether my antidepressant might be delivering a 1-2 punch. So, I'm working off of the antidepressant now in addition to the nighttime antihistimine, Zyrtek, and a second round of prednesone. I'm hoping that this will cause the rash to go away for good.

I have one more night of my antidepressant and then I'm off altogether. It was a hard decision to make, since I've been on antidepressants of some sort for 10 years, and they completely changed my quality of life. When I think back to the years before I started them (especially in college), with all of the extreme ups and downs, and panicky feelings, I thank God that I went into my doctor and got treatment before I ended things. Yes, it was that bad. Depression and anxiety run in our family, so it's not a huge surprise. And I was smart enough to get help when I needed it.

In any case, I decided that now was a good time to try going off of them and see how it goes. I talked with my counselor about it, and she once asked whether I had ever planned to go off of them, and I said "nope". And I meant it, because I just couldn't imagine going back to the way that things were. But she said that it might be worth trying when things stabilized in my life, and as far as I can tell, now is a good time to do the experiment. And if this antidepressant is causing the allergic reaction, and if it turns out that I still need antidepressants, there are other ones out there to try. But it will be interesting to see whether the last 10 years of counseling and working through deep-seated issues will help me to cope better with my emotions going forward without drugs. I'm hopeful. And I'm ready. I made an appointment with my counselor for Tuesday, and L. is very supportive as is my mom. I know that they're here for me if I fall apart. And that is a scary possibility. But it's one that I'm willing to risk at this point because I think that things are the most stable that they've been in my life for some time, and how wonderful would it be if all of that personal work and coping exercises paid off in an antidepressant-free existance? So, fingers crossed, here we go...