You know when you get to a point in life when you suddenly question most everything about your path and beliefs? It's been on my mind a lot lately, mostly thanks to some random crap going on with various family members and friends that I'm not going to go into now. I've been reading the book Passages by Gail Sheehy, and apparently my age makes me ripe for this kind of mind play. I will say that it is exhausting. And I think it's good that I have an appointment with my counselor this afternoon to kind of get some of this goodness out in an appropriate way, rather than shaving my head or hitting cars with umbrellas a la Britney Spears or something.
Also, I don't likey the whole thing going on with the swine flu. Thankfully I haven't had to take prednisone now since January, so hopefully my immune system is mostly back to "normal" now (if there is such a thing with my body), but man. I don't like the sound of it one bit. Maybe being a recluse wouldn't be such a bad thing right now. Time to go crawl under a rock. Oh wait, I can't because I'm a responsible person and have a job and other responsibilities to take care of. Hmmm.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Monday, April 20, 2009
Weekly recap
I started my diet again this week, in a slightly modified way. I realize that I am prone to extremes. Often, I'm not living in the middle ground. Case in point - when I did 20/20, I really did 20/20. I followed it religiously and even turned down cake on my own 30th birthday. Then, when things wound down and we got to the wedding/honeymoon phase of last year, I totally went in the opposite direction. I ate anything and everything, and threw all of my knowledge out the window. Guess what that got me, especially when I started having awful health problems for a few months? Lots and lots o' pounds put back on the ol' ass.
So, this time I'm allowing myself to have some of the best of both worlds. I did really well this week. All protein shakes, lean proteins, veggies, lots of water, and only a few diet sodas. By Friday, I decided that I could indeed have a 6-pc chicken McNugget meal at McDonalds with medium fries and a diet coke. And yesterday I had a chocolate bar. I made sure that this still fit within a good caloric range and ate well the rest of the time. And guess what? I feel much more satisfied. I think it's unrealistic for me to think that I can never have any of the foods that are "bad" for you, when it's just as unrealistic for me to believe that I can subsist on those alone. So, the key has to be moderation, something which I'm not always great at achieving. But somehow, I think that this plan might work out better over time because it puts less focus on perfection, and more focus on living within my means.
At the end of the week, I'm down 5 pounds, which is really probably mostly water weight, although I did get out and walk a lot this week when it was nice. I also steam cleaned my carpets (no easy task), mowed the yard, and weeded. So, I got some good physical activity in addition to the reasonable diet. My hope is that if I continue with this, some of the weight will just continue to work itself off, even if it is at a slower pace over time than it was when I was in the 20/20 program. But that's OK. I've got time.
So, this time I'm allowing myself to have some of the best of both worlds. I did really well this week. All protein shakes, lean proteins, veggies, lots of water, and only a few diet sodas. By Friday, I decided that I could indeed have a 6-pc chicken McNugget meal at McDonalds with medium fries and a diet coke. And yesterday I had a chocolate bar. I made sure that this still fit within a good caloric range and ate well the rest of the time. And guess what? I feel much more satisfied. I think it's unrealistic for me to think that I can never have any of the foods that are "bad" for you, when it's just as unrealistic for me to believe that I can subsist on those alone. So, the key has to be moderation, something which I'm not always great at achieving. But somehow, I think that this plan might work out better over time because it puts less focus on perfection, and more focus on living within my means.
At the end of the week, I'm down 5 pounds, which is really probably mostly water weight, although I did get out and walk a lot this week when it was nice. I also steam cleaned my carpets (no easy task), mowed the yard, and weeded. So, I got some good physical activity in addition to the reasonable diet. My hope is that if I continue with this, some of the weight will just continue to work itself off, even if it is at a slower pace over time than it was when I was in the 20/20 program. But that's OK. I've got time.
Monday, April 13, 2009
Alt, Ctrl, Delete
Today is my alt+ctrl+delete day, the day where I restart my diet and exercise regimen. I gained back 25 of the 45 pounds that I lost on 20/20, and it's very frustrating in part because a lot of it was due to how sick I've been and other various health problems which really kicked me off of the exercise bandwagon. But I also haven't been eating as well or paying as much attention to measuring and portions, so there's some personal blame to go into that, too.
But last week was a fairly stable health week with the exception of almost throwing my back out after gardening for hours on end for several days, and not really listening to that little twitch in my back earlier in the week when it started warning me that it was not happy. In any case, I decided that today would be the day that I get serious again and make up some lost ground. So, I started at stage 2 of the 20/20 diet process (lean proteins, protein shakes, and non-starchy veggies). Plus drinking tons of water and exercising. I got on the elliptical tonight and did some situps, so I'm sure that I'll feel some of that tomorrow. I started to do some push ups, but my elbow was really hurting, for some unknown reason. I have no idea what's up with that, but I decided not to push it too much (no pun intended), so I stuck with 5 and will see how it feels tomorrow.
So, here we go again. I feel like I've been on this ride before...
But last week was a fairly stable health week with the exception of almost throwing my back out after gardening for hours on end for several days, and not really listening to that little twitch in my back earlier in the week when it started warning me that it was not happy. In any case, I decided that today would be the day that I get serious again and make up some lost ground. So, I started at stage 2 of the 20/20 diet process (lean proteins, protein shakes, and non-starchy veggies). Plus drinking tons of water and exercising. I got on the elliptical tonight and did some situps, so I'm sure that I'll feel some of that tomorrow. I started to do some push ups, but my elbow was really hurting, for some unknown reason. I have no idea what's up with that, but I decided not to push it too much (no pun intended), so I stuck with 5 and will see how it feels tomorrow.
So, here we go again. I feel like I've been on this ride before...
Tuesday, April 07, 2009
Questions that go unanswered
Recently, I'm getting a lot of "so when are you and L. going to have kids?" or "are you and L. going to have kids?"
It makes sense, considering we just got married in October and have our proverbial ducks in a row: jobs, check; marriage, check; house, check; relatively stable, check. However, it's a question that I continue to answer in a sort of wishy-washy way. Depending on how well I know the person, I'll actually divulge more or less of the truth. For people we don't know well, I'll say, "probably in the next few years." For people that we know better, I'll say, "perhaps, but we haven't yet made up our minds. It's not a priority for us." Most people who know me, know that children are not really a priority in my life. It's not that I don't see myself having kids - I can see it and sometimes entertain the possibility - but it's that I'm not sold on idea of having them.
Tonight there was a special on Oprah having to do with the new show, "In the Motherhood". I haven't seen it, but apparently it started on the Web and now it's a huge hit, so they're taking it to the TV network. The goal is to illustrate the funny and more difficult part of having children. A little less of the fantasy, and more of the reality, if you will. The part I found interesting was how many women kept saying, "no one tells you this kind of stuff" and "I just wasn't prepared for [something weird]." I'm not sure if these women were raised under a rock, but I think there are plenty of women who will tell you the realities of motherhood. There ain't nothing appealing about it to me. The crying, the tantrums, the constant testing, the sickness, the worry, etc. I think that changing diapers is probably one of the easier parts of motherhood, from what I've seen from my friends and family members. So, that's why I'm pretty hesitant to jump in with both feet yet.
Sometimes I feel like an alien inside of a woman's body. I just turned 31, and yet I have no ticking clock. Isn't this when everyone says that you're supposed to start freaking out and start picturing babies everywhere? Because if so, I certainly missed the memo. I'm still as far away from wanting children as I've ever been. Well, strike that. I'm almost as far away. I can definitely say that with L., I can see that he would be a good dad and try in every way possible to be there for his family. I didn't feel that way about my ex-husband. So, at least I'm off to a better start with L. on this one. But neither one of us is really tipping heavily in the having children direction. So, I dunno. We might want to just have a nice life together, and be our own family of two (well, three if you count the dog).
Part of my deal (and I think L.'s deal, too) is that we want everything to be situated and for things to be almost a guarantee. And children don't come with that. You can't take them back to the store when something goes wrong. And when difficulties happen, you have to work through them. Like my mom once said, "there's never a perfect time to have children, because they'll always interrupt something and cause your path to change." And that's friggin' scary for someone who has already had to deal with all kinds of change (good and bad) throughout her life, and frankly would like some smooth sailing for awhile.
I suppose part of my fear is that I have no maternal instinct whatsoever, so I feel as comfortable holding a football as I do a baby. But everyone says that that kind of stuff comes to you when you have your own child. I dunno. Everyone says a lot of things that don't appear to ring true for me. Although, I do think that in the end, I would probably figure things out and would make a good mother. I also think about the future, and I know that the whole point of having kids isn't so much for the here and now, but for later in life. And considering how much I love my family, I can see the value in continuing that process. So, we'll see. I guess until we decide, I'll just keep the answers a bit open-ended and leave it at that.
P.S. Is it a sign that I think dogs are cuter and more tolerable than kids?
It makes sense, considering we just got married in October and have our proverbial ducks in a row: jobs, check; marriage, check; house, check; relatively stable, check. However, it's a question that I continue to answer in a sort of wishy-washy way. Depending on how well I know the person, I'll actually divulge more or less of the truth. For people we don't know well, I'll say, "probably in the next few years." For people that we know better, I'll say, "perhaps, but we haven't yet made up our minds. It's not a priority for us." Most people who know me, know that children are not really a priority in my life. It's not that I don't see myself having kids - I can see it and sometimes entertain the possibility - but it's that I'm not sold on idea of having them.
Tonight there was a special on Oprah having to do with the new show, "In the Motherhood". I haven't seen it, but apparently it started on the Web and now it's a huge hit, so they're taking it to the TV network. The goal is to illustrate the funny and more difficult part of having children. A little less of the fantasy, and more of the reality, if you will. The part I found interesting was how many women kept saying, "no one tells you this kind of stuff" and "I just wasn't prepared for [something weird]." I'm not sure if these women were raised under a rock, but I think there are plenty of women who will tell you the realities of motherhood. There ain't nothing appealing about it to me. The crying, the tantrums, the constant testing, the sickness, the worry, etc. I think that changing diapers is probably one of the easier parts of motherhood, from what I've seen from my friends and family members. So, that's why I'm pretty hesitant to jump in with both feet yet.
Sometimes I feel like an alien inside of a woman's body. I just turned 31, and yet I have no ticking clock. Isn't this when everyone says that you're supposed to start freaking out and start picturing babies everywhere? Because if so, I certainly missed the memo. I'm still as far away from wanting children as I've ever been. Well, strike that. I'm almost as far away. I can definitely say that with L., I can see that he would be a good dad and try in every way possible to be there for his family. I didn't feel that way about my ex-husband. So, at least I'm off to a better start with L. on this one. But neither one of us is really tipping heavily in the having children direction. So, I dunno. We might want to just have a nice life together, and be our own family of two (well, three if you count the dog).
Part of my deal (and I think L.'s deal, too) is that we want everything to be situated and for things to be almost a guarantee. And children don't come with that. You can't take them back to the store when something goes wrong. And when difficulties happen, you have to work through them. Like my mom once said, "there's never a perfect time to have children, because they'll always interrupt something and cause your path to change." And that's friggin' scary for someone who has already had to deal with all kinds of change (good and bad) throughout her life, and frankly would like some smooth sailing for awhile.
I suppose part of my fear is that I have no maternal instinct whatsoever, so I feel as comfortable holding a football as I do a baby. But everyone says that that kind of stuff comes to you when you have your own child. I dunno. Everyone says a lot of things that don't appear to ring true for me. Although, I do think that in the end, I would probably figure things out and would make a good mother. I also think about the future, and I know that the whole point of having kids isn't so much for the here and now, but for later in life. And considering how much I love my family, I can see the value in continuing that process. So, we'll see. I guess until we decide, I'll just keep the answers a bit open-ended and leave it at that.
P.S. Is it a sign that I think dogs are cuter and more tolerable than kids?
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