Questions that go unanswered

Recently, I'm getting a lot of "so when are you and L. going to have kids?" or "are you and L. going to have kids?"

It makes sense, considering we just got married in October and have our proverbial ducks in a row: jobs, check; marriage, check; house, check; relatively stable, check. However, it's a question that I continue to answer in a sort of wishy-washy way. Depending on how well I know the person, I'll actually divulge more or less of the truth. For people we don't know well, I'll say, "probably in the next few years." For people that we know better, I'll say, "perhaps, but we haven't yet made up our minds. It's not a priority for us." Most people who know me, know that children are not really a priority in my life. It's not that I don't see myself having kids - I can see it and sometimes entertain the possibility - but it's that I'm not sold on idea of having them.

Tonight there was a special on Oprah having to do with the new show, "In the Motherhood". I haven't seen it, but apparently it started on the Web and now it's a huge hit, so they're taking it to the TV network. The goal is to illustrate the funny and more difficult part of having children. A little less of the fantasy, and more of the reality, if you will. The part I found interesting was how many women kept saying, "no one tells you this kind of stuff" and "I just wasn't prepared for [something weird]." I'm not sure if these women were raised under a rock, but I think there are plenty of women who will tell you the realities of motherhood. There ain't nothing appealing about it to me. The crying, the tantrums, the constant testing, the sickness, the worry, etc. I think that changing diapers is probably one of the easier parts of motherhood, from what I've seen from my friends and family members. So, that's why I'm pretty hesitant to jump in with both feet yet.

Sometimes I feel like an alien inside of a woman's body. I just turned 31, and yet I have no ticking clock. Isn't this when everyone says that you're supposed to start freaking out and start picturing babies everywhere? Because if so, I certainly missed the memo. I'm still as far away from wanting children as I've ever been. Well, strike that. I'm almost as far away. I can definitely say that with L., I can see that he would be a good dad and try in every way possible to be there for his family. I didn't feel that way about my ex-husband. So, at least I'm off to a better start with L. on this one. But neither one of us is really tipping heavily in the having children direction. So, I dunno. We might want to just have a nice life together, and be our own family of two (well, three if you count the dog).

Part of my deal (and I think L.'s deal, too) is that we want everything to be situated and for things to be almost a guarantee. And children don't come with that. You can't take them back to the store when something goes wrong. And when difficulties happen, you have to work through them. Like my mom once said, "there's never a perfect time to have children, because they'll always interrupt something and cause your path to change." And that's friggin' scary for someone who has already had to deal with all kinds of change (good and bad) throughout her life, and frankly would like some smooth sailing for awhile.

I suppose part of my fear is that I have no maternal instinct whatsoever, so I feel as comfortable holding a football as I do a baby. But everyone says that that kind of stuff comes to you when you have your own child. I dunno. Everyone says a lot of things that don't appear to ring true for me. Although, I do think that in the end, I would probably figure things out and would make a good mother. I also think about the future, and I know that the whole point of having kids isn't so much for the here and now, but for later in life. And considering how much I love my family, I can see the value in continuing that process. So, we'll see. I guess until we decide, I'll just keep the answers a bit open-ended and leave it at that.

P.S. Is it a sign that I think dogs are cuter and more tolerable than kids?