Happy New Year and welcome to 2011

Happy New Year everyone! Hope that 2010 treated everyone better than 2009 and that 2011 is even better than 2010. I have many things to be thankful for, which is sometimes hard to remember when things are rough, but it's good to have holidays to remind us of the things we do have going our way. Wishing everyone blessings and good tidings for 2011!

Memories

Recently my dad came over with several boxes of "stuff" that he shipped back from Illinois after my grandma passed away last year. I've had it sitting on the table this last week since I was sick and didn't have much energy to open them up to see what was inside.

Tonight, I finally felt like starting to dig through the things and found all kinds of memories and treasures. There are tons of old photographs of my dad, grandparents, great grandparents, and even great great grandparents. Also, we found several years of farming journals from the 1940s that account for all of the activities, costs, income, etc. from their farming business. My grandma kept a yearly diary, so we have several years of those from the 40s on as well. Her contributions were famous in the family - she was meticulous about tracking the weather, her daily goings-on, what was going on with everyone in the family, details of phone calls, etc. It's pretty fascinating to look back through those and see what her days were filled with. I found a journal from my great grandmother that details her life story, and a journal she kept with all of her income and expenses.

One of the boxes is filled with slides and when you hold them to the light you can still make out what the pictures are. It appears that some are from Japan, so I'm thinking that they're from when my dad was based in Japan during the Vietnam war, though they look more like something you'd order from a place like National Geographic than personal pictures. So, I'll have to figure out the story on those.

It's interesting to look through these boxes and get reacquainted with family members who have gone long before. In a time where nearly everything I do has a digital edge, it's nice to open these journals with real handwriting and the smell of decades of storage, and to look at photos that were so formal and must have cost a small fortune to take in those years. So different from now when we can immediately look at a screen to figure out whether we like the photo and delete it if we want to try again.

Well, we're all going to die in 2012, right?

...you know, if that whole Mayan calendar thing turns out to be true. So, I guess let the republicans have the house. Now when it comes to the next election and things aren't done, people can swing back to the democrats. I really can't understand swing voters at all, and this tea bagger obsession is ridiculous. What a bunch of idiots.

Oh well. Like I said earlier today, if you're a woman and you voted, thank progressives for fighting for that right for you.

Life is good

The past several days I have felt so good. Incredibly good. Just full of goodness inside. I can't really explain why, and I don't know that there's anything in particular that has made me feel this way. I guess there are just many things at play right now that feel good.

Last weekend, L. and I celebrated our second anniversary by going downtown for the evening and having a nice night out together. I'm so thankful that we have good jobs and can afford to do nice things like that with one another. I'm so thankful that he's in my life. I'm so thankful for the things we have and where we are in life. I'm so thankful that we get the opportunity to volunteer at the radio station and enjoy sharing music with one another. I'm thankful for our puppy. Thankful for our house. Thankful for it all.

A couple of my friends have moved back to the Seattle area, and I've made some new friends over these last several months that I just love to hang out with. Plus, I've got my good regular friends around to do things with. It's just nice to have a mix of old and new people in my life.

I've got my new job, and it has a lot of challenges but really good challenges. I'm sure that there will be some things I'm not crazy about, but I feel like a huge weight is gone from my shoulders.

I've got my new car on order, and I'm really excited about it. I can't wait until it gets here and I can finally drive it!

The holidays are right around the corner, and that means lots of gatherings with family and friends for the next couple of months.

I guess I just feel like things are busy right now, but in a good way and not so crazy like last year. It's nice to have this time where I feel more settled and I'm really enjoying things, instead of just working all day and night. I hope that this feeling continues and that there are more good things to come.

Letting go

Today I finally let go of the hurt and anger that had built up from a situation with a friend earlier this year. At the time the situation happened, I was devastated and ever since then there's been something hanging out, making pressure build up inside of me.

Today, this person emailed me with a question, and they were very respectful about the situation that happened and approached the conversation in a good way. When I read it, I decided that I could go on being angry and hurt, or I could let go and heal. I still feel that the situation was upsetting so it's not like those were unjustified feelings. But in the end, it was just bringing me down and not doing any good. It felt pretty remarkable, really. I don't have any grand ideas about being great friends with this person again, but they're part of my network and it just won't do to try and keep relationships with everyone else while licking my wounds over this one thing with this one person.

In the grand scheme of things, there are people whom I have hurt or angered, and I haven't always been given the chance to make things up to those people. Sometimes we just don't get that chance. But other times, it's pretty hard to avoid something altogether and really go on unless you make a conscious decision to forgive and forget.

Car nostalgia

The purchase of my new car has got me a bit nostalgic about past cars I’ve owned, going back now about 16 years. Prior to my 16th birthday, my parents enrolled me in a defensive driving school near our house, and made sure that I knew the rules of the road. I spent time practicing with my mom, my step dad, and my older sister.


My mom was adamant that I learn how to drive a manual transmission, despite the fact that nearly everyone we knew drove automatics and even the driving school taught with automatic cars. She was convinced that one day I would end up at someone’s house who was convulsing and dying, and I’d have to rescue them in the only car available, which would (of course due to murphy’s law) be a manual transmission. At first, she thought it would be a good idea for me to learn on her brand new Honda Accord, so we drove it to the parking lot of my high school on a deserted weekend afternoon, and she had me take the wheel. The thing they don’t really tell you when you’re starting out driving, is that new cars with new manual transmissions are very tricky. Finding the sweet spot for shifting is a bit of an art, if not an attempt to drive you insane. After grinding the gears on my mom’s car for the 20th time and becoming pissed at her need to grip the door handles and interior like I was taking a sledge hammer to her car, I told her that the jig was up. There was no need for me to drive a manual transmission. We could just go home in peace, and never speak of this again. My mom was never one to let me out of anything easily, even if my every attempt to shift made a small part of her die inside, so she responded that I was going to learn how to drive her car or else. So, I did what any unbalanced 16 year old girl would do by shoving it into first and flooring it. I never drove her car again, and it’s just as well.

Ultimately, the driving lessons continued with my step dad’s and my sister’s vehicles, where I could safely grind gears without instilling a heart attack in my passengers. In fact, my sister’s truck was a bit of a broke down Mitsubishi mess, and starting from a stop light in first gear was entirely optional, as it happily started in whatever gear I’d last left it in. My step dad’s truck was a very nicely used model, and I was able to master the driving lessons with it without much fanfare. I’d never pegged my step dad as patient about much of anything before, so it was a nice surprise to learn that he was really great to go out with for driving practice.

As my 16th birthday approached, my mom decided to set some expectations with me about the possibility of a car. Though my two older sisters had gotten cars for their 16th birthdays, it just wasn’t in the cards for me, she hesitatingly told me. They just couldn’t afford it. I was sad, but understood, and she told me that they’d work out a way for me to use my step dad’s truck when I needed it.

The morning of my birthday, I was at Camp Woskowitcz with friends from my German class at school. We’d gone to a weekend German camp event, and were busy dawdling our way back home totally unaware that I had a surprise birthday party waiting for me back home. I got home to find all my friends hanging out and I immediately regretted passing up a shower in the sketchy camp shower in lieu of taking a long bath when I got home. We settled in for the celebration, and when I opened my gifts, my parents card was the last to be brought out. When I opened it, a key fell to the floor and it said that if I wanted to exercise my right to drive, I should go immediately to the door and open it. I expected my step dad’s truck, but what I found outside was a cherry red Chevy Camaro with a huge gold bow on it and my name printed on a banner. Though I don’t remember the exact year any longer, I think it was a mid-80s model and it screamed cool. I literally had a few of my friends crying and moaning that their parents were so lame to not get them such a car. To put it in perspective, my friend, A., was driving around in an ancient avocado green Oldsmobile inherited from her grandma and another friend, N., was driving her mom’s Lincoln (I think) when her mom wasn’t using the car.

It turned out that my step dad thought I was a pretty good kid, got great grades, and caused little trouble, so he decided I should get a great car. He found the Camaro, got a storage unit, and started fixing it up for me without telling my mom about it until three days before my birthday. He didn’t want her to accidently spill the beans.

I quickly dubbed my car Georgio Roman Armani (I know, I know), and as soon as I got my license I looked for any excuse to drive. Need milk? I’m on it. Something needs to go the post office? I’m your girl… I started driving to school and taking my friends to and from home, and we had a blast playing mix tapes and singing at the top of our lungs. That car was so much fun to drive, and it was fast. The real problem came when we realized it was a bit of a lemon. I had it in the shop several times for problems that turned out to be repeat offenders. Over time, the babysitting money and my income from the hair salon dwindled and my college fund was getting pretty depleted. I was loathe to admit it, but I needed a new car before I was broke, so I talked to my dad about it and asked whether we could trade it in for a reliable little Honda or something. At that point, I didn’t even care what it was as long as it wasn’t breaking down and costing me a small fortune.

One day, he took the keys to the Georgio and said he’d take it to get it checked out. When he got home, he tossed my key ring at me, but there was a strange new key on it. I bolted upright and ran to the door to find a red and black Eagle Talon. I ran around in joy. It was about 6 years old, but in overall really great condition and it had a Turbo button. You can bet I had a blast with that car, too. I never named the Talon, in part because Georgio and my friend’s car, Penelope, seemed to have so many problems that we thought naming might be bad juju.

The Talon lasted me through college and the first year out of school and in the real world. I was working as a teaching assistant at a local community college, and my new husband was trying to make ends meet before he started graduate school. Due to increasing maintenance costs, we decided to bite the bullet and get a new car. I found the Toyota ECHO in 2001, and bought it after one test drive. The only option on it is air conditioning, but it’s been the best little car for economy, room, and reliability. Maintenance is cheap. I literally get the oil changed a few times a year at ~$30 a pop, and have had the major services done as needed. It goes forever on one tank of gas. We got the four-door ECHO, since we thought we might have a family at some point and having the back doors would be handy. Of course, we all know that story never panned out, but I love the ECHO anyway since it was the first car I was ever able to buy for myself. It’s been through a lot of moves, and seen a few dings, but it was well worth the $14K I spent on it and then some, even if it’s not the most gutsy thing I’ve ever owned.

Which brings us to my 2011 MINI Cooper S Clubman. That is going to be one heck of a fun car. I feel like it kind of marries two sides of my personality: the side that is practical and responds to function, and the side that just wants to have a good, fun, fast ride and appreciates great design.

Vrrroooommmmm

I finally dove in head first and bought a new car. Since being rear-ended by the school bus earlier this year and getting a rental car while my Toyota Echo was in the shop, I've been thinking about and researching a lot of options for a new vehicle. I've had my Echo for nearly 10 years now, and it's been (and still is) a fantastic car. We'll probably end up selling it, but we're toying around with the idea of just keeping it around as the vehicle we use to do more messy things like hardware trips, hauling stuff around, taking to places where we don't care if it gets banged up a bit or dirty.

After my research and mulling over options for the last several months, I picked the MINI Cooper S Clubman, and ordered a 2011 model. Last week, when my friend T. came for a visit, she handed over the driver's seat in her awesome MINI Cooper S and let me give it a whirl. I was instantly in love with the look, feel, and handling of her car and became quite serious about it as a possibility. This last week, I was busy on the Internet and hitting T. up with questions, and yesterday L. and I we went for a test drive of the Clubman model at Seattle MINI. Though I love everything about T.'s Cooper S, I felt that for our lifestyle having the club door on the Clubman would be helpful with getting our precious cargo, Oli, in and out of the backseat for trips to the groomer and visits with his doggy friends. I also liked that it had just a bit more room in the back, so we ultimately went with the Clubman.

I'm busy thinking of names for it now, and will be united with my car roughly around Thanksgiving if all goes according to plan with the manufacturing. I have to say that being able to custom order so many things on the car is amazingly fun. There was a little confusion with the customizing process since they are just lining up the options for the 2011 models and a couple of the things it looked like you could select on their configuration site weren't really options for the car when we went into the dealer. But those were very small details in an otherwise very flexible process, and I was happy to adjust a bit. L. was thankfully pretty quiet through it all and let me just ride with the process. We have very different strategies to buying cars, so it was nice to have him return the favor for me this time as I had done when we looked for his Audi a few years ago.

There's still a part of me that's pretty amazed I'm doing this, but the cost for the car came out right about the same as the Mazda, Honda, Toyota, Kia, and other crossover vehicles I was considering, and my MINI is designed by me! Plus, it has the backing of BMW, so how can you go wrong with that? And it's a total icon in the auto industry. So, it gets the gold star for those things. Plus, the feeling of driving a MINI is just so much fun. I couldn't help but smile the whole time we were at the dealership.

Dog toys

Oli destroys pretty much any stuffed toy we bring into the house. If it has eyes, a nose, or appendages, you can guarantee that it won't last long in our household. When we first got Oli at 8 weeks old and brought him home, I got him a moose stuffed animal from West Paw Designs. We called this moose Maddie, and Oli dragged her around with him everywhere possible. It was by far his favorite toy.  Maddie lasted a long time compared to his other toys. I think I finally had to put her in the garbage about 8 months ago (and Oli just turned 2 years old yesterday, to give you some perspective).

The other day, I was in Mud Bay Granary to pick up some food and a few new toys for Oli, and came across a penguin made by West Paw, so I picked it up. I gave it to Oli on Sunday night, and it's like he's been reunited with a long lost friend. He carries it everwhere with him, and when he's sitting on the couch, he's basically got some part of the toy resting in his mouth. Though the penguin had two funny eyes on it, Oli ate those right away, but the rest of the toy has fared pretty well despite that. Looks like West Paw has done it again!

Change of scenery

I got a new job. I'm at the same company I've been with for almost 10 years, but I move around every so often into different groups. I feel like it keeps my technical skills sharper and helps me build a larger network to depend on. This new job will be a good challenge for me, and I'm excited about it although it came about due to some of my extreme sadness. Things on my old team just never really recovered after layoffs and some changes to the direction of the product we were working on. Add to that some some of undermining behavior by people who I was close with the last year, and I just had to move on. It was a good time to move anyway, but that just made things more imminent. Of course, it's always hard to leave good people behind, so I'll miss seeing my co-workers every day, but at least they're not too far away and like other teams, we'll keep in touch. Here's hoping that my new gig is every bit as cool as I think it's going to be, and even more!

Alphabet game

Ever been stuck in the alphabet game while on a road trip? If so, looks like you need to take a detour to Wyoming.

I can't remember who sent me this, but I thought it was pretty great and had to share. Sorry about the lack of proper credit.

The Conservative Case for Gay Marriage

As I was seeing and reading more about the overturn of Proposition 8 in California, I became curious about Ted Olson, the conservative who is pro gay marriage. I did some searching, and found this article (which appears to be attributed to him): http://www.newsweek.com/2010/01/08/the-conservative-case-for-gay-marriage.html.

I have to say that I've made the same arguments many times with family or friends who disagree with marriage being a right for all. In fact, a quick search through the politics tag on my blog contains a bunch of older entries on the subject. The most pointed argument I always made was that we live in a country that values (or should value, based on our past, anyway) a separation of church and state, so the very fact that a religious rite affords heterosexual couples anything under the law should be unconstitutional if it is not afforded to all equally. I find this whole prop 8 thing quite interesting, and I hope that by forcing the issue and overturning it, marriage equality will finally become a reality in our country. The following video features Ted Olson's argument with Chris Wallace on Fox News. Go Ted!



In a slightly related, but dumb side thought, I wonder if this means Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt will get married. I believe they once said that they would get married when marriage was a right offered to all.

Travis Wall contemporary dance on SYTYCD

I absolutely connected with this performance from So You Think You Can Dance this week. It's Travis Wall choreography performed by contestant Kent Boyd and all-star Neil Haskell. Travis Wall always has the most touching and amazing choreography, and this particular one really got to a lot of people. I really felt everything in it, especially because I recently had a "friend" stab me in the back, and the pain is always so difficult to navigate. It just really touched me.



I am pulling for Kent to win it this season, although Lauren comes in as an incredibly close second. The only one I don't like at all is Robert. The judges fall all over themselves about how great he is, but I think he's such a dork, and boring. And whenever he has lifts in his routine, it always looks like he's going to dump his partner on the floor. He just doesn't seem strong enough or very grounded in his dancing. It bugs me. I hope that he doesn't win it.

I'm thankful for...

Xanax right now. Anxiety, go away!

Pretty

This rocks!

Can we just move on, please?

I'm not sure why news like this is supposed to be so shocking. The Kennedy brothers were hanging out with Marilyn Monroe, and it's not as though JFK hasn't been suspected to have an affair with her. Politicians are people, too. They enjoy sex, and some are kinkier than others. Big f'ing deal. Personally, I don't think it's a huge deal. Marilyn Monroe was hot, and whatever they did or did not do with her is their business. It's one thing if a politician is talking out one side of his/her face about marriage rights and so-called upholding moral behavior and this kind of thing comes out...it's another when people just kind of accept that human sexuality is varied and a personal decision (and right to consent) for each person involved, and just go about their lives while fighting for human rights thoughout their careers.

Thanks for sticking to your guns

So, Elton John performed at Rush Limbaugh's wedding reception for a reported $1 million smackers. Way to send a message that you give a flying F about gay marriage. I'm not sure what's more perplexing: that Elton John agreed to perform at a wedding for a homophobic asshat who doesn't support marital rights for gay and lesbian couples, or that Rush Limbaugh hired such an openly flamboyant homosexual to perform at such a traditionally sacred event. Though, this was Limbaugh's fourth wedding, so that's quite an example for the sanctity of heterosexual marriage.

I used to think it would be kind of cool to see an Elton John show, but now I've got second thoughts. Deep in my heart, I'd hope that he'd donate some or all of the money to a good gay and lesbian cause. Unlikely, I know, but still... It's about the only thing that would make the whole thing cool instead of utterly disappointing.

Just what I needed

I was rear-ended / rear-side swiped today on my way to work. By a school bus. In front of a school. While waiting for a line of parents to drop off their kids at said school.

The bus driver was turning out of the school's exit driveway, and I guess she thought that she'd drive down the center of the road over a double-yellow line to pass everyone who was turning or waiting for those who were turning (like me). Apparently thought she was not subject to the same physical parameters that applied to the rest of us drivers and pedestrians on the road this morning. I am fine, aside from a slight lower back twinge from tensing up so suddenly. Ice and Alleve have helped a lot today. My car looked worse for wear than the bus. No kids on board, thankfully.

The bus driver wasn't the sharpest tool in the shed, so I'm hoping that amongst all the paperwork we had to fill out, we got the right stuff logged. Their insurance company was rather hands off on it this morning when I called. I guess the driver has 24 hours to report the incident, at which point I'll hear what next steps to take and *I* should call *them* back tomorrow sometime. Good thing time is not of the essence!

The Bell Jar

I just finished reading The Bell Jar by Synthia Plath. It was on my to-read list for many years, but I'd never actually borrowed or bought the book, so had not yet read it. Awhile back, I'd mentioned to L. several books (of many) that I wanted to read, and he picked it up for me at Christmas along with Push by Sapphire, which I still need to read. Talk about uplifting, but I'm all about sad stories and sad songs!

Truth be told, I was quite nervous about reading it. With my recent spiral back down into the depths of depression and the subsequent rope that saved me from reaching rock bottom, I wasn't sure whether reading something of this nature would turn out to be good or bad for my mental state. But I eventually figured that now was as good a time as any, and picked it up a few nights ago. I found it to be very entertaining and real, and I really connected with the Esther as a character (who was based on Plath and her own experience as a young woman).

I think one of the most interesting things was the lack of a seemingly compelling event to trigger Esther's depression. There were certainly things that were upsetting along the way, but overall there were a lot of things going for her and from the outside looking in, it doesn't seem like any one thing or even a combo of them would cause her to become depressed and eventually suicidal, prompting her to be taken in for shock therapy and later an asylum.

I can certainly relate to some of that, though thankfully my antidepressant is doing the work that shock therapy and other unsavory methods used to provide. I always think that my depression should be directly attributable to something, like a virus causing the common cold. I think this is the main reason that outsiders always want you to just snap out of it because most things in life have an identifiable cause. But the more I start to unravel my thoughts, I can come up with a number of upsetting things that are usually balanced or even outnumbered by positive things. So, why be depressed? I'm really a pretty positive person for the most part, which makes it even that much harder to deal with at times because you intrinsically know what you "should" be thinking and feeling. Esther struggles with that in The Bell Jar, too...that feeling of "if I were my normal self, I would be doing A and B and C."

Esther's descent did happen around the same age as the first time I was diagnosed with depression, as were several of my friends in college, and I recall being very uncertain about my future as well as putting inordinate amounts of stock in my academic achievements, financial independence, relationship status, and preparedness for the outside world. When I compare those circumstances with the circumstances I faced most recently, I think there are some parallels, although the specifics have changed. Within the last couple of years, I moved into a position of relative stability with my husband at a time when the economy took a severe nosedive and nothing seemed certain anymore. All the conventional wisdom went out the door when we discovered that our investments (retirement and property - not typically such violent bets) were suddenly plummeting and we watched our family and  friends get laid off from good jobs, and remain unemployed for untold amounts of time. At the same time we knew everything we'd built was predicated on our status quo and gainful employment, and even a small upset in that balance would cause large aftershocks. So, we kept going to be responsible and half-heartedly jump at the proverbial carrot on the stick. I mean, where else are we going to go? We bought into the American Dream hook, line, and sinker.

All of this is scary in normal times, but we all know the last few years have been anything but "normal" - more on that in a second. And after L. surviving several rounds of layoffs at his company, and me surviving several at my company, you take on all the extra work and wonder how you're going to make it in the long term. Will things ever be "normal" again? Will they ever bring back people to take on the extra work when times are good, or have we proven that two heads aren't really better than one? I guess time will tell.

Anyway, I guess I now know what it means both to be in the bell jar, and also to be in a golden cage. I suppose as a career woman, I can look forward to hitting the glass ceiling at some point, too. I can't really put my finger on it, but I don't really think this is the way we're supposed to be living, although I'm not sure the alternatives seem that great either. It's not as though I'm going to go live in the brush with an African tribe or something. We live in an age of enormous knowledge and innovation, and yet I can't help but look around me and think that roughly half the people I come in contact with are either willfully or unknowingly stupid. I'm shocked at how many people devalue education and are proud to not have any higher education. Not that the school of life is bereft of lessons to teach people, but to be a well-rounded individual, you should have both if at all possible.

When I think about the possibility of having children, it pains me to think that this is the world we're leaving them. I guess the one comfort I can take from The Bell Jar, even knowing Plath's own tragic ending, is that maybe this time is not so much abnormal as it is part of a historical, human cycle, which is only a new concept for me insomuch as I am living it now as an adult rather than viewing it as an adolescent or a child. And if I can take that information away with me, and really live well within my means (or even better, well under my means), then L. and I can withstand the next storm, and the next storm, and the next. That's my hope anyway.

Of course, having recently finished Bill Bryson's A Short History of Nearly Everything, I realize that we're probably just as close to cosmic annihilation via an asteroid or a complete failure of our planet to sustain life due to the stresses and impact we place on it. Although I find such outcomes quite terrible, there is something fascinating in knowing that we have a long ways to go and will never conquer everything - not even close. Life is truly a mystery, and that will never change.

Badass

The interactive Google Pac-man logo today is so badass. I used to love playing Pac-man at the arcade when I was a kid. What a fun and inventive idea.

Update
So, the other cool thing is that if you hit Insert Coin twice, you get both Pac-man and Mrs. Pac-man characters. I had figured that out yesterday, but couldn't figure out what combo of keys to use to make her work (just a like a woman, snicker snicker). Anyway, as L. and I sat here today, he pulled it up and figured out that a+w+s+d keys make her work, so away we went. We got to level 3 together before biting the cyber dust.

Update Update
L. has informed me that it's "Ms. Pac-man" not "Mrs. Pac-man" as I had written above. Although I am able to edit that freely on the interwebs, I find it amusing that my husband knows all the ins-and-outs of the Pac-man saga off the top of his noggin, and figured I'd share that little nugget with y'all.

Update Update Update
I'm now informed that L.'s favorite game was Ms. Pac-man, so I seem to be live blogging this conversation now. I guess it's a good thing that I look like a yellow circle with a bow on the top of my head or he'd never have fallen for me :-)

Can't get enough

I simply cannot get enough of this song right now. I love the whole album, and have been listening to it for some time now since it came out last year, but this song, Two Weeks from Grizzly Bear, is just like an anthem for me right now. How great are these lyrics: Would you always...maybe sometimes...make it easy...Take your time.

Now, I'll admit that the video turned me off initially, but it does get more interesting toward the end. When their faces get weird, it kind of reminds me of the video for Soundgarden's Black Hole Sun.

P.S. Sorry about the funky centering of the video in the frame - no matter what I tried, I couldn't get it centered right in such a small area on the blog, but I have an idea it has something do do with the ratio for the HD video. If you're so inclined, you can click on it to watch it directly on YouTube. Otherwise, just enjoy the tune.

Working things out

So, I'm happy to report that I'm feeling mildly better. While that might not sound like a lot, it is when you feel like you've got a mountain to climb and don't even feel like getting out of bed. I got through the tough week at work last week, and I'm hoping that it's the last part of the proverbial band-aid being pulled off in that department. Sure, things are going to continue being tough, but I'm hopeful that the most emotionally difficult situations are over for the foreseeable future.

I spent most of Friday doing some planning and budgeting work, and making a list of the bazillion things I'm now responsible for and need to do over the next month. While a bit overwhelming, it helps me to have the checklist of things to cross off as I complete each task. This will be especially important now that I'm the only person on my "team." How do you like them apples?

This weekend was pretty low key. I rested up due to the cold that's still making it's way out of my system. The antibiotics are helping, so I'm sure it's just a matter of time until I'm back to 100% on that front.

I spent Saturday sleeping in, and then literally laying on the couch the entire day watching TV and movies. I got hooked on an L.A. Ink moronathon, which was pretty entertaining and made me think about getting my own tattoo touched up at some point or maybe getting a new one at some point. But, I'm kind of averse to getting something like that while I'm in the middle of a personal crisis. L. and I watched the movie, Pirate Radio, which was a fun flick and had that happy ending that we all wish for. Plus the soundtrack was bitchin', even if the movie focused on the period of 1966 but the music included tunes from years later.

Sunday, L. and I slept in again and then we got to work on the yard. The weeds have really taken over some areas, so it's slow going to get them all and try to make sure they don't return. There's still plenty to do, but it will have to wait for another day. Here's hoping the coming week has some peace and that I'm able to get some good work done.

Aha

So, I had my doctor's appointment yesterday afternoon. The nurse and my doctor were really great about everything, and that's always good when you're prone to crying at the drop of a hat. The doctor put me back on an antidepressant I used in the past, and gave me a prescription for an anti-anxiety medication to use as needed also. While I was there, she asked about my cold and symptoms and figured out that I've got a bad sinus infection going on, so I started antibiotics as well. Lots of stuff to combat the issues going on right now.

L. has also been especially loving and supportive, which is really helpful. I'm thankful to have someone in my life who tries to understand as best he can and help me when I need it. Hopefully I'll be able to cope better with things soon.

Weekend recap

Well, I'm still getting over the gunk from this cold that started mid-week, so I didn't get nearly as much done on my staycation as I'd have liked. For instance, I didn't get around to cleaning out my closet and putting random piles of things away. It's OK. I can get to those next weekend, perhaps.

What I did get done this weekend was pretty good considering that I was basically coughing up my lungs for most of it. Yesterday, I spent a couple of hours out in the yard weeding until it started pouring rain. I picked up the rest of the weeding of that area today and had it done in a few hours. It looks much better now, and I put down some Preen, so hopefully that will help things from coming back, although one of the weed types had these little needles that flew everywhere the minute you touched the plant. So, we'll see how that goes. I may need to do a second round if those seeds take root. The rest of the yard still needs a lot of work, but one area at a time. It felt really good to be outside today in the sun, listening to my iPod. L. went up to the sale property to mow the lawn there and work on the dandelion situation at that place.

I also vacuumed the downstairs and steam cleaned the carpets. I find carpet cleaning so rewarding. The stuff that it gets out of the carpets is nothing short of amazing, and I think it will help with my allergies to have addressed that stuff. Someday we'll have laminate floors or something like that down here, but all in good time. I cleaned out the refrigerator, and gave it a good scrubbing so that we could pack in the groceries from our big grocery shopping trip tonight. We got lots of good, healthy food for the week, so now we just have to follow through and actually cook this week! But I think that eating better will really help me feel better about things in general, and it's better for me anyway. We got all the laundry done, and beds all made up with fresh linens.

So, I feel like I can go back to work tomorrow and at least have gotten some things done around the house to make things better. Due to a mix up with the receptionist at my doctor's office, it sounds like my appointment won't be until Tuesday now. I'll call in the morning and confirm whether it's tomorrow or Tuesday. Oli also goes in for a haircut on Tuesday. He's really furry and looking like a little black mop.

I know this next week is going to be really difficult with work, so I'm just trying to have as positive an outlook as I can, and will try to remind myself to continue taking things one issue at a time.

And so there it is

Well, I tried. I've been off antidepressants for nearly two years now, but unfortunately I think I need them again. I suppose it's better this time, in that I can see the signs and try to address things earlier than the first time I needed them. I don't think I'll need to be on them endlessly, but there are certainly enough things going on right now to where the depression is setting in and I am getting panic attacks again. L. and I have been working on reducing the level of stress and figuring out how to be happier on an every day basis, but it's not enough for me.

Depression and anxiety are no fun, and I feel weak for resorting to antidepressants, but I know that the alternative is worse and staying in bed all day isn't going to make anything better. I've taken this week off to try and relax and do things that I enjoy so as not to focus on all of the other stuff, but it's not really helping. I finally called the doctor's office this afternoon in a fit of tears to make an appointment to go back on antidepressants, and the receptionist was so nice about it all, which seemed to make me cry more. After I got off the phone, I felt better because I know that it's a positive step for my mental health and being able to cope with all the pressure and sadness, but I honestly thought that I wouldn't ever need them again. I guess I was wrong.

I think the worst part is just how everyone else reacts to it, which I suppose shouldn't matter, but sometimes it does. If you've never dealt with depression and panic attacks, it can look pretty ridiculous and make you think that the person just needs to pick themselves up and stop being a baby about everything. But those of us who have gone through it know that it's a much harder, insidious thing to battle and it's not just a matter of picking ourselves up by the bootstraps and getting on with things. I literally feel like the life drains out of me and I have no energy for anything. I drag myself out of bed as much as possible and try to maintain a normal life, and there are moments where things feel "normal" before it all crashes again. And unfortunately, I've noticed that the crashes are lasting longer and longer, and the normal parts are becoming less and less as time goes on.

I'm proud that I survived the last couple of years without antidepressants. I had a lot of pressure with the new house, moving in with L., getting married, honeymoon, illness, and death of several family members and friends. But we just haven't really gotten a break, and even though I pledged that 2010 was going to be far better than 2009, I'm just not seeing a huge change. I can't really continue ignoring the fact that I have to force myself to do absolutely anything other than hide out at home and eat crappy comfort food. Even the last few things I've done with friends, while fun and I think definitely part of my regular "normal" life, have been work and left me feeling drained instead of energized. Today I found myself absolutely devastated about going back to work on Monday and had a panic attack, at which point I called the doctor's office knowing that I can't continue like this.

L. is supportive. I broke the news to him tonight, and he tries to be understanding. It's hard for him to really understand because while he may have faced situational depression and difficulty in his life, he's not had the chemical unbalance I'm facing right now and unable to get a handle on. And, of course, he has the added issue of coming from a family where this kind of thing is definitely seen as unacceptable. What they don't get is that I'd give nearly anything to not feel this way.

I know that the things we're facing and struggling with are parts of life, and that we'll have ups and downs. I can certainly accept that. I just can't accept the toll it's taking on me, especially when I have to keep up my end of the bargain. I know that finding something more fulfilling in my life would help, but I don't have the extra energy to even take a step in that direction right now, so I know that I need the additional help. And so there it is. I hope that this help will give me the energy I need to make the necessary changes to lead a more fulfilling life, and in turn help me to wean myself off of the antidepressants again at some point. I do think that ultimately this will be a bit of a dance throughout life with medications, but I hope that I can find ways to reduce my need for them in other ways and only use them at points like this where I'm at the end of my rope. Here's hoping.

San Juan Island

So, for the past few weeks, things have been a bit tough in general, and mid way through last week I decided to take this week off. I just felt like I needed some time away from work to think about some things and figure out how to deal. Of course, I decided to check my email today and got another little surprise, so I had a moment of freaking out and then decided to just let it go. I think that I try to take too much responsibility for some things, and even though I am a lead, there are things that I just have no control over and things that I just need to be able to step back from. It's hard to do that being the kind of person I am and having the kind of job I have, but it's true. And for my own health and sanity, I'm trying my hardest to figure this out lest I fall back into depression or just lose my mind entirely.

One of the things I had to look forward to this week was a trip to Friday Harbor with my friend, A., who was visiting from London. We left Monday morning for Anacortes to catch the ferry to Friday Harbor, and when we landed we checked in at our hotel, Friday Harbor House. It was a nice room, and we each had our own bed in addition to a great view, jacuzzi tub, and comfy chairs. We dropped off our stuff, and walked around the town, which is really cheery and friendly. We stopped in some shops and had nice conversations with everyone around. We then headed to Mi Casita for a great Mexican dinner and drinks, before heading back to watch the movie, The Illusionist and turning in for the night. Then yesterday, we got up and drove all around the island checking out the sights. We did walking tours of both the American Camp and British Camp, and saw deer and foxes. One fox was so close at American Camp that I got some really good pictures of him. We also looked for whales at Lime Kiln park. We could hear some activity in the water, and every once in awhile we'd see something poke up, but we couldn't really tell what it was for sure. I don't think it was orcas, since I think we'd have seen the dorsal fin. But it was possibly some other kind of whale or porpoise, and it was so nice to stand there in the sun looking out at the beauty of nature. I feel so lucky to live in such a beautiful part of the country, and be within driving distance of such amazing places.

We headed back yesterday afternoon and A. headed off to visit her next friend on the visit. It was a great time with one of my best friends, and really helped to have someone to talk to about things and lighten my load. I woke up this morning with a cold, so I took it easy today and will break out the Nyquil tonight. I'm hoping to feel well enough tomorrow to do some work out in the yard. I feel like my ultimate thing right now is to reconnect with nature and basics, and focus on simplicity rather than drama.

And hopefully next week when I go back into work, I will be more rested and have more perspective on things than before this mini break.

Weirdorama

Last night, I went to the Tiesto concert at Wamu Theater with my friend (I'll call her LL here to differentiate from husband L.), while the hubby went to the Spoon concert at The Moore. L. took me to Paul van Dyk at the Showbox Sodo in February, and it was probably a fatal mistep for him in that I then discovered that Tiesto was coming in April, and at Tiesto I have now discovered that Armin van Buuren is coming in May. It's become quite the parade of big-name Eurpean DJs coming through our little Sea-town, and it has renewed my fervor for techno music. This is in addition to L.'s taking me to club Rain at the Palms in Vegas last year on our anniversary so that I could see Paul Oakenfold's resident show, although Paul was unfortunately gone the night we were there.

In any case, I'm digging the techno scene again and getting back into the groove. I almost didn't end up going to Tiesto because I couldn't find someone that into techno to go with me, but my friend LL gave up the chance to see Jonsi (from Sigur Ros) to accompany me, and man! Am I ever glad that she did!!! I feel like I must have been in a parallel universe or something last night. It was definitely a diverse crowd of people, and I found the people-watching bit as entertaining as the music. I think because Tiesto's latest album featured some more indie vocalists (Tegan and Sara, Emily Haines, Jonsi, Kele Okereke, etc), it brought out quite a variety of people, and it was definitely different than the PvD crowd from February. Kaleidoscope (Tiesto's latest masterpiece) obviously mixed some great elements to get all these people in a room together.

LL and I showed up about 9:30 during local DJ Johnny Monsoon's opening, and like his opening at the PvD show, I kept thinking I should check him out aside from this huge events. We got into the beer garden and promptly waited in an inordinately long line for a beer. Let's put it this way - we each only had one beer for fear of being stuck in that line again.

We then made our way over to the front of the beer garden and stood along the fenced area to watch the show. This area was front row seating for a walkway, through which we saw some of the craziest outfits and people. You had your frat boys and trampily-dressed girls, of course, as well as the guys who like to wear light sticks and do some crazy cracked-out dancing. One group of guys was so amazing with the dancing - they were a treat to watch. You also had girls who showed up in all out lingere and one girl who must have thought it was Halloween because she was wearing a German beer maid costume. I do believe the kicker was a girl who showed up in a neon orange, lace binini and stilletos with a mini bunny/mouse ear headband. She was definitely in strong competition with the girl who wore a corset and tiny white mini skirt that lit up and white go-go boots. I think the craziest man costume was a tiny older Asian man with lowcut black leather pants and what could only be an orange, polyesther shirt with a V-cut down to his you-know-where; this particular gent challenged walkers-by to push up contests while his pants threatened to match the dreaded plumber butt syndrome. LL and I watched all of this with glee and poked each other when another crazy outfit paraded by.

So, imagine my surprise as I'm enjoying all of this and some random guy walks by and tries his hardest to make me smile. He then saunters up with two drinks, offers me one (which I politely declined), and introduces his friends. Let's just say that I in no way thought I'd be hit on last night. I wore tennis shoes, jeans, a cute top, minimal makeup, and my glasses. I was in an entirely different league than most of the attendees, and just wanted to go listen to great music and have a fun time with a friend. So, I was a bit unprepared. But once I wove the ring-finger around a bit and mentioned the husband, the conversation turned decidely pleasant and I uncovered that he is also a geek, so we talked for awhile about his job as an engineer and mine as a technical writer. His friends were goofy and funny, and LL and I turned what could have been a very crazy situation into something low-key and fun.

Then LL and I headed off to the bathroom before deciding to make our way into the dance pit. As I was walking out of the bathroom, some random guy grabbed me and started to dance, which was bizarre. I backed up and was like, "no thanks", to which he seemed pretty dejected, so I gave him a quick hug and told him that I was probably closer to being his mom than a dance partner, and walked away. Also, someone grabbed my butt.

Now, these kinds of things don't happen to me every day, and it cracks me up because I think about all the years I spent getting all dolled up to go out, advertising the merchandise, teetering around on heels like some of the girls last night, and hoping to have some male attention. Sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn't. But I can't tell you the number of times this kind of phenomenon has happened during both my marriages. I don't get men. It's the weirdest thing to me, and I can't figure out why it happens, but I guess it's nice to know that I'm not as old or unattractive as I might otherwise think I am. Not that I spend a bunch of time worrying too much about it, and I'm married now so my most important critic is L. and he seems to love me the way I am. But still, it's nice to have that feeling every once in awhile to know that you've still got it :)

Wii be fit

Can I just say how much I love the Wii Fit Plus? L. and I were over at my parent's house a little over a week ago for my family birthday party, and they had just gotten the Wii Fit Plus. We gave it a try and had a blast. So, we went out the next day and acquired the necessary equipment. We promptly created our Miis - they're so cute! We've been loving the workouts, and I like that we do it together. They're fun and some more challenging than others. I like the variety, and it's nice that there's a mix of serious training for the yoga and strength exercises, and random fun stuff for the aerobics and balance exercises. Tonight L. and I both achieved the same Wii fit age, one year younger than I currently am :)

I've been perusing Amazon to see what other games we can use with the Balance Board, and keep things fun and challenging. It looks like there are many games that just use the regular controller and the nunchuck, too, so there are lots of options. I can't believe we didn't get one of these before!!!

Also, as a nod to my youth, I picked up the Super Mario Bros Wii game. I never had a Nintendo growing up. In our family, we always had the underdog things, like Beta and Sega, so I only ever got to play Mario when I went to a friend's house or the like. Last night I got through the first round and beat Bowser in the first castle. It's so much fun, and with the addition of things like Yoshi and other characters later on (which I had never played with before), it's really a trip. Here I am, a 32 year old woman, loving video games again. Well done Nintendo - the Wii is both fun and active!

Why does it still kill me...

...when family or friends "friend" my ex-husband on social sites? I dunno. It probably shouldn't, but it still hits me in a weird place. I hate that feeling. Maybe because he walked out on it all and I don't feel that it's fair for him to come back to the people and life he left behind. Oh well. I'll just keep it to myself and this here blog entry.

That about sums it up

This is fantastic:


Thanks Stranger Slog for finding such gems.

Vintage videos with helpful advice about what to do (and not do) during your period

These videos crack me up, although I personally think the second one is better. I especially love the advice about not swimming the first few days of your period because you might get chills and catch cold (first video), or the advice to dry your hair quickly, dress nicely, and avoid strenuous exercise (second video). "Pay more attention to your hair and nails, and plan to wear your prettiest dress," around minute 5 in the second video. Oh yes, that surely has something to do with menstruation!

Also, who changes their pad 6 times a day? That seems a bit excessive. Maybe the absorbancy and quality of pads was different back then or something. Thank goodness they got rid of those sanitary napkin belts. I'll never forget finding a really old box of pads in my grandma's closet one summer and being entirely perplexed as she explained the old system to me.

I especially love how everyone glosses over the part about cramps. In the first video, Molly only alludes to feeling a bit strange, but her mother just offers to have a mother/daughter conference night. Oooh, wheee! That will help with the pain I'm having from my uterus cramping! Thanks mom! And the dialog about referring to it as "the curse" is pretty funny, too. All I know, is that based on the way the female reproductive cycle and birth are constructed, God is a man.

Oddly entertaining

I'm not sure what to say about this. It's weird and oddly entertaining.

Laugh laugh laugh

This lifted my mood tonight:

Music video meets Rube Goldberg machine

OK Go does some really great music as well as videos to accompany them. Their latest is a giant Rube Goldberg machine, which looks like a pretty wicked difficult set to put together. Read the background here.



From the same guys who brought us the music video gem on treadmills. I love this Lego tribute.

Oscars

I watched the Academy Awards tonight, even though I hadn't really planned on it in advance. I ended up getting my new computer delivered this week, so I was sitting downstairs working on getting things setup the way I want them, and moving things off of my old machine. In the process, I started the awards show and realized that I had not seen one movie up for an award.

I used to watch a lot of movies, and had a pretty healthy relationship with Blockbuster every weekend up until a few years ago. I don't really know what's happened in recent years, but the mainstream movies seem so blah to me anymore, and if I watch anything it's usually something on the Sundance channel. So, I didn't have any stake in the game this year while watching, although I was kind of pulling for Precious mostly because I think the story is pretty amazing and it would have been a big departure for the academy. In the end, I was pretty choked up by Sandra Bullock's acceptance speech for The Blind Side, and was happy to see a woman finally bring home the Oscar for best director (Bigelow for The Hurt Locker).

And throughout the broadcast, I took notes about some films that I would like to check out after being introducted to them tonight:
Paris 36
The Young Victoria
Logorama
An Education
A Single Man
Up in the Air (which I did want to see before, but hadn't yet gotten around to)
Food Inc (also wanted to see after an Oprah feature on this, but hadn't yet gotten around to either)
The Cove
The Most Dangerous Man in America

The crazy thing is that I found myself shedding a few tears at different moments, which was completely unexpected. The John Hughes montage was really touching. Seeing clips from all his films reminded me of how much an impact his work had on my upbringing. They're the movies that I still love to watch today. The In Memory section was pretty emotional, especially since they started out with Patrick Swayze, and had a section in there about Brittany Murphy and Natasha Richardson. They all died too young. Then I shed a tear at Bullock's acceptance speech. I must be PMS-ing.

I can relate...kind of

First case of popcorn lung outside of factory workers. Poor guy... I can relate to the love of popcorn, although I have an old-fashioned air popper and tend to indulge mostly on weekends or at the movies. I'm not quite into the heavy usage category this guy qualified for.

Best section:

Rose, who has consulted with the popcorn and flavoring industry for the past four years, was surprised to see in the Centennial man's lungs some of what she saw among factory workers.

"So I turned to him and apologized and said, 'This is a really weird question, ... but are you around a lot of popcorn?' His jaw dropped, and he said, 'How did you know to ask me that? I am popcorn."'

"He described himself as a two-pack-a-day user. Sometimes more," Rose said. "He bought it in cases."

Originally saw this on The Old New Thing.

YES!!!

Exactly!!! Although, I don't think people against health care reform really give a flying F about the lower class and whether they'd be able to afford anything related to health care (or anything else for that matter) anyway.



Reposted from perpetual self-check. As he mentions, longer version here.

Exactly

This is exactly the kind of stuff I was skeptical about when I wrote an earlier post about The Biggest Loser.

A good read

Oh, Kurt Vonnegut...what an interesting life. The Paris Review Interviews of Kurt Vonnegut. I agree with the laughter behind a grand exit into the coat closet.

Financial crisis

Not sure how old this is, but it cracked me up. Poor Andre!

Stroke of luck

Today, L. and I ventured to the Bellevue mall so that I could look for a new swimsuit. The one I've been using the past couple of weeks doesn't fit real well, and there's nothing like wearing an ill-fitting piece of spandex to make you realize that maybe you should just cough up a few bucks for something that fits properly and doesn't make you want to duck back into the locker room immediately. I think the suit I've been using dates back about 10 years now, so it was time.

I actually intended to look at Macys, but we parked by the JC Penney and I figured we could look there first. Lo and behold, they had a whole section of swimsuits, and some of them were pretty cute and came in my size. I found about 10 different ones to try on, and made my way to the dressing room while L. found a chair to wait in. I think we were secretly both worried that this trip was not going to end well. If there are two things women really hate shopping for, it's swimsuits and jeans.

Anyway, I went in and had a good chuckle over a few of them. These clothing makers have no idea how much fabric it actually takes to keep in the girls for a rather well-endowed woman as myself. In the end, I came out with three suits that fit properly and were cute! L. and I both sighed in relief and went to the counter. We didn't end up needing to go to Macys, I didn't complain about my weight, and I didn't come home depressed and empty-handed. All in all, it was a pretty good experience.

Blame inflation

Today as L. and I were walking out of the Bellevue mall, we were asked by a seemingly normal, older gentleman if we could spare $10. Not "change" or "a buck" like most people begging for money, but $10. Guess inflation has really affected everyone... Sheesh!

Remembering Rod

Earlier this morning, our good family friend, Rod, passed away. My dad (on the left) and Rod (on the right) met during the Vietnam war, when they both served in the Army and were stationed in Japan. I heard lots of stories about that time in their lives, because Rod moved in with my dad and mom when I was a little girl. He had fallen on hard times, and they took him in. I have such great memories of him. He was the kind of guy who treated everyone equally, was honest, and treated me like a person and not just some kid. And he was so smart. He read so many books, and taught me so many things. I'll never forget him explaining how lightening and thunder happen, or even teaching me about his struggle with diabetes.

He was part of our lives on and off. After my parents divorced, we didn't see him for awhile. I later came to understand that he was upset by their split and didn't want to choose sides, knowing that my dad was making a huge mistake, and yet being unable to change the outcome. Rod loved my mom a lot, too, and it was hard for him to see the happy family he'd known and lived with come to an end. It wasn't until some years later that my dad found him again, living in some crappy apartment in Seattle, and then recently in a crummy motel before needing to go to a nursing home for 24-hour care. He never had a lot, but didn't seem to care. Never got married (wasn't the marrying kind, he said) and never had kids.

A couple of months ago after we'd reconnected, he mentioned that he'd like to see my mom. So, she and I went to visit him at the home and they finally got the chance to talk though the hurt that happened all those years ago. Turns out that my mom was frustrated with Rod at the time for not trying to do more to convince my dad to stay, and that Rod just knew it wouldn't make a difference at that point and was sad to see it end but felt guilt over not doing more. She was able to ease his guilt and sadness by explaining that she's gone on to have a good life with my step dad and that things happened the way they should have. She understands now that nothing Rod could have said or done would have changed my dad's choices at that time. And he got to know that she was no longer upset with him about that. So, there was some closure there.

It wasn't diabetes that claimed Rod's life. It was surely a complication, but not the whole story. He was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and outlived his oncologist's expectations by over a year. L. and dad and I spent Christmas Eve with him, and were visiting him at his nursing home a lot toward the end. A couple of weeks ago he went to the VA hospital with pneumonia, and unfortunately due to my having a cold, I could not visit. Again, I didn't make it in time. I planned to see him this weekend with my dad so that I could say goodbye because it seemed that he had really taken a turn downhill.

I suppose that in some ways it might be better to remember him as I do. Christmas Eve. Outback Steakhouse. Love and companionship and good memories of other times and places. The promise of getting together again.

But, it doesn't feel better. I didn't make it again. Again.

Swimming

Tonight after work, I went to the Pro Club and swam laps. It felt good. I alternated between the butterfly, breast, and back strokes. When I was a kid, I LOVED to swim, and even after a full day of working on my grandparent's farm, we'd still all dive in to cool off and swim, swim, swim the evening away.

I was a little apprehensive about 1) being in a swimsuit in front of people (at a health club, no less) and 2) the etiquette involved in sharing a lane with someone. Luckily, they had a sign at each lane explaining how to warn another person in the lane that you're entering, etc. And I just had to get over myself about being in a swimsuit. In front of people. A lot of healthy-looking people. At a gym.

So, I managed 20 minutes straight of alternating the strokes before things started to get a little busy. So, I hopped out of the lane to give others a chance. But it was a good start, and if I can leave about 15 minutes earlier next time, I should be able to get in a full 1/2 hour before it starts getting full.

The nice thing about swimming is that it's easier on my joints, such as my elbows and knees, than some of the other activities I've tried like weight lifting and running. I think once I lose a bit more weight, those other activities will be easier for me to do again without injuring myself. But swimming will be a good low impact, yet challenging way to get my endurance back and lose some of the weight I've gained.

You know what?

I can't stop listening to that song, Set the Fire to the Third Bar by Snow Patrol (featuring Martha Wainwright). I'm not a huge Snow Patrol fan, but this song has been featured on the Dear John movie trailer and I really connected with it. Of course, I love Rufus Wainwright, so it's neat to hear his sister, Martha, on this track. Good stuff, that.

Time machine

Sometimes I really wish that I had a time machine so that I could go back in time and do things differently. But I suppose that would introduce that whole sunshine-of-the-spotless-mind thing where you wouldn't reap the benefits of what you learn along the way. Also, in related news, I wish that the economy would improve and that the real estate market would recover a bit.

That's it for the fantasy portion of today's entry. In other news, I'm down 7 pounds over the last couple of weeks. That's with doing South Beach diet (sort of) and taking the dog on a few extra walks. We haven't really started Phase 1 of South Beach, since we had some good carb foods around that I didn't have the heart to throw out. So, we've been working on eating better overall and not surprisingly, it's working. I cooked a couple of things last night and put everything in the fridge so that it's easy to grab something healthy instead of going through the drive through on the way home. And I've been much better about drawing the line between work and home life recently. It's still hard for me to not check my email a lot in the evenings, but I'm getting better. And I only had one late night last week. So, it's a start. Progress, not perfection.

I also watched the Biggest Loser tonight to see what it's all about. It was interesting when they had a segment where the female trainer had to eat food (read: junk) that one team was eating before starting the show. She gagged and spit it out, then talked about how awful it was and berated them for eating it in the first place, asking them how they could ever eat such stuff. I get her position, but it seemed to be more of the shaming behavior rather than an actual discussion about why they began to eat that way and why it continued. Truth is, there are probably many reasons they ended up eating that kind of "food" and shaming them about it isn't going to help. Addressing why they started eating that way, and why their bodies alter to crave and tolerate such foods would be a better tactic. Education, not shame. There's already enough shame with being overweight as it is.

From one episode, I can't really say whether their approach is that good or not. Surely it has helped many people, but I'm not sure how realistic it is. I could feel the pain of one contestant who weighed in tonight and had lost a few pounds this week, after having lost 17 pounds last week. She was so disappointed, and she looked so defeated as her trainer explained that her body would have to adjust. Someone should explain that losing 17 pounds in one week (or rather a significant amount of weight depending on someone's total weight to lose) is more common in the first week due to water loss and that it starts to balance out as you continue to move and eat better. That's why it's so easy to fall off the wagon when things start getting tough. You have big losses at first and then it starts to even out and become less and less. That happens even more frequently when you have less to lose. So some of the contestants will continue to lose huge amounts of weight because they have a much larger percentage of weight to lose and it will be easier until the difference between their ideal weight and current weight dwindles. I dunno. I'm not sure I'll continue to watch it, but I thought it might have some good information and be inspirational. We'll see...

Start your engines

It's that time of year again when I start my New Year's resolution. Usually, my resolution has to do with making my ass smaller. This year, that is part of it, but my real resolution is to live my life with more balance. As I sit here the night before starting work again, I'm reminded of how nice this last week and a half was with my family and friends. I had time to take better care of myself, sleep until I felt rested, read books for fun, and (gasp!) go to a movie with L.

It could go without saying that I do not do those things when I'm in full swing at work. But I am saying it to remind myself that my life in 2009 was wwwwaaaayyy out of whack. And therein lies the problem. My career has led me to a degree of financial security that I have not previously had. However, my financial rewards come at a rather high cost to my personal time, health, and relationships with people I care about. While I always strive to overperform and deliver on my work commitments, everything else falls off the face of the earth and that's just not healthy.

I'm not entirely sure how I will be able to balance everything, but I know that I have to try and get things under better control than they were last year. Of course, I'm hopeful that 2010 will bring less family problems and death as well.

My goals to be in better balance are:
1. Eat more healthy, more often throughout the day. This includes cooking more meals at home and making better choices when I eat out. L. and I are starting up the South Beach Diet tomorrow, which is similar to, but not quite as strict as, what I did on 20/20. If I can get to a place where I do that even 3/4 of the year (allowing for inevitable setbacks, holidays, etc.), I would be a much healthier person than I am today. If I can get to even that level of accomplishment, I will be happy. I know that I need to eat more frequently throughout the day to keep cravings from creeping in, too.
2. Move my butt. I really hate exercising. Everyone says to find something that you like to do, but honestly I am really not an active person and finding something interesting that doesn't make me want to bash my head in after 5 minutes is pretty tough. Coming off of the fall where I started having some joint problems, early carpal tunnel signs, and tennis elbow, I've learned that I need to be a lot more careful with the kinds of exercise I do. For now, I figure if I can get in 2 days a week of good cardio, that will be a start. I'll alternate that with more walking each day. So, I'll look for a couple of good classes at Gold's Gym for the 2 days of cardio, and aim to walk Oli more frequently around the neighborhood on at least 2 other days of the week. It's a start. Of course, this will require me to get home at a decent hour to do said exercise, since exercising in the AM puts me into a day-long coma, and a longing to just go back to bed and pass out.
3. ...which leads me to #3: leave work at a decent hour. And when I work from home, shut the computer down at a decent hour. No more leaving the office at 11 PM, or conversing with members of my team at 2-3 AM. I'm not sure I'll ever be able to get everything done in just 40 hours a week, but if I could even get it down to 45-50 hours a week, I'd feel pretty good about that. Hopefully my reviews won't suffer too badly.
4. Make weekends a time for relaxation and doing things with family and friends. This is pretty straight forward, but I'd like to get my work done during the week and not have to work weekends whenever possible.
5. Get to sleep at an acceptable hour. No more rolling into bed at 2-3 AM. Part of this will rely on my getting work done and being able to let go of the things that are beyond my means. Prioritize, prioritize, prioritize.

So, that's it. One of the things I finally did was hire a house cleaner to come in twice a month. It's a luxury that is totally worth it, and I think we'll hire someone to come in this spring to do the initial yard cleanup also. Then we just have to do the maintenance.

Some other things we hope to do this year:
* Sell my condo. We're renting it out now along with L.'s properties, but it's a lot to keep it all going and is more stress than it's really worth.
* Replace the windows in the house. It will make the house more energy efficient, and needs to be done as a few windows have blown their seals now.
* Replace/repair the fence. I think some sections are bad enough at this point to just be replaced, but some could probably be repaired without too much trouble. We'll have to find a good person to come take a look and let us know.
* Remove the overgrown pine tree in the backyard. The tree makes a huge mess with pine needles, and it's situated in a horrible spot right in one corner of our fence and outgrowing the spot. I'd like to pull it out and put in something that is smaller and more suited to growing next to a fence.
* Read more for fun. Lately I've been reading books like crazy, and I've been having a blast getting into the stories and character development.

That's it. At least I have a year to work on it, and I know that I won't be perfect or make it happen all at once. But hopefully by 12/31/2010, I can say that I have things under better control and more balanced in a healthy way.

Happy New Year

That is all...