Monday, May 24, 2010

The Bell Jar

I just finished reading The Bell Jar by Synthia Plath. It was on my to-read list for many years, but I'd never actually borrowed or bought the book, so had not yet read it. Awhile back, I'd mentioned to L. several books (of many) that I wanted to read, and he picked it up for me at Christmas along with Push by Sapphire, which I still need to read. Talk about uplifting, but I'm all about sad stories and sad songs!

Truth be told, I was quite nervous about reading it. With my recent spiral back down into the depths of depression and the subsequent rope that saved me from reaching rock bottom, I wasn't sure whether reading something of this nature would turn out to be good or bad for my mental state. But I eventually figured that now was as good a time as any, and picked it up a few nights ago. I found it to be very entertaining and real, and I really connected with the Esther as a character (who was based on Plath and her own experience as a young woman).

I think one of the most interesting things was the lack of a seemingly compelling event to trigger Esther's depression. There were certainly things that were upsetting along the way, but overall there were a lot of things going for her and from the outside looking in, it doesn't seem like any one thing or even a combo of them would cause her to become depressed and eventually suicidal, prompting her to be taken in for shock therapy and later an asylum.

I can certainly relate to some of that, though thankfully my antidepressant is doing the work that shock therapy and other unsavory methods used to provide. I always think that my depression should be directly attributable to something, like a virus causing the common cold. I think this is the main reason that outsiders always want you to just snap out of it because most things in life have an identifiable cause. But the more I start to unravel my thoughts, I can come up with a number of upsetting things that are usually balanced or even outnumbered by positive things. So, why be depressed? I'm really a pretty positive person for the most part, which makes it even that much harder to deal with at times because you intrinsically know what you "should" be thinking and feeling. Esther struggles with that in The Bell Jar, too...that feeling of "if I were my normal self, I would be doing A and B and C."

Esther's descent did happen around the same age as the first time I was diagnosed with depression, as were several of my friends in college, and I recall being very uncertain about my future as well as putting inordinate amounts of stock in my academic achievements, financial independence, relationship status, and preparedness for the outside world. When I compare those circumstances with the circumstances I faced most recently, I think there are some parallels, although the specifics have changed. Within the last couple of years, I moved into a position of relative stability with my husband at a time when the economy took a severe nosedive and nothing seemed certain anymore. All the conventional wisdom went out the door when we discovered that our investments (retirement and property - not typically such violent bets) were suddenly plummeting and we watched our family and  friends get laid off from good jobs, and remain unemployed for untold amounts of time. At the same time we knew everything we'd built was predicated on our status quo and gainful employment, and even a small upset in that balance would cause large aftershocks. So, we kept going to be responsible and half-heartedly jump at the proverbial carrot on the stick. I mean, where else are we going to go? We bought into the American Dream hook, line, and sinker.

All of this is scary in normal times, but we all know the last few years have been anything but "normal" - more on that in a second. And after L. surviving several rounds of layoffs at his company, and me surviving several at my company, you take on all the extra work and wonder how you're going to make it in the long term. Will things ever be "normal" again? Will they ever bring back people to take on the extra work when times are good, or have we proven that two heads aren't really better than one? I guess time will tell.

Anyway, I guess I now know what it means both to be in the bell jar, and also to be in a golden cage. I suppose as a career woman, I can look forward to hitting the glass ceiling at some point, too. I can't really put my finger on it, but I don't really think this is the way we're supposed to be living, although I'm not sure the alternatives seem that great either. It's not as though I'm going to go live in the brush with an African tribe or something. We live in an age of enormous knowledge and innovation, and yet I can't help but look around me and think that roughly half the people I come in contact with are either willfully or unknowingly stupid. I'm shocked at how many people devalue education and are proud to not have any higher education. Not that the school of life is bereft of lessons to teach people, but to be a well-rounded individual, you should have both if at all possible.

When I think about the possibility of having children, it pains me to think that this is the world we're leaving them. I guess the one comfort I can take from The Bell Jar, even knowing Plath's own tragic ending, is that maybe this time is not so much abnormal as it is part of a historical, human cycle, which is only a new concept for me insomuch as I am living it now as an adult rather than viewing it as an adolescent or a child. And if I can take that information away with me, and really live well within my means (or even better, well under my means), then L. and I can withstand the next storm, and the next storm, and the next. That's my hope anyway.

Of course, having recently finished Bill Bryson's A Short History of Nearly Everything, I realize that we're probably just as close to cosmic annihilation via an asteroid or a complete failure of our planet to sustain life due to the stresses and impact we place on it. Although I find such outcomes quite terrible, there is something fascinating in knowing that we have a long ways to go and will never conquer everything - not even close. Life is truly a mystery, and that will never change.

Friday, May 21, 2010

Badass

The interactive Google Pac-man logo today is so badass. I used to love playing Pac-man at the arcade when I was a kid. What a fun and inventive idea.

Update
So, the other cool thing is that if you hit Insert Coin twice, you get both Pac-man and Mrs. Pac-man characters. I had figured that out yesterday, but couldn't figure out what combo of keys to use to make her work (just a like a woman, snicker snicker). Anyway, as L. and I sat here today, he pulled it up and figured out that a+w+s+d keys make her work, so away we went. We got to level 3 together before biting the cyber dust.

Update Update
L. has informed me that it's "Ms. Pac-man" not "Mrs. Pac-man" as I had written above. Although I am able to edit that freely on the interwebs, I find it amusing that my husband knows all the ins-and-outs of the Pac-man saga off the top of his noggin, and figured I'd share that little nugget with y'all.

Update Update Update
I'm now informed that L.'s favorite game was Ms. Pac-man, so I seem to be live blogging this conversation now. I guess it's a good thing that I look like a yellow circle with a bow on the top of my head or he'd never have fallen for me :-)