Grief definitely works in mysterious ways. This weekend has been a series of ups and downs with some in-between moments. I slept 14 hours Friday night, and woke up feeling a bit better. Being exhausted always makes things just that much worse. I spent most of my time either working out in the yard or cleaning the house. Doesn't sound too exciting, but when there is chaos I like to try and create order, which is exactly what I did this weekend.
The thing that just floors me, though, is how random grief is. You can be going along and think that things are going OK again, and then BAM! Grief sneaks back up on you in the strangest moments and reminds you that you've still got some things to work through. Earlier tonight I was doing alright, and then I went upstairs to take a shower and for some reason grief just overcame me for no particular reason. So, I had a good cry in the shower and then got out feeling a bit better again. Who knows what tomorrow will bring. I'll be heading back to work, and hopefully it will go better than my attempt on Friday, which led to nowhere fast.
Monday, June 22, 2009
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Saying goodbye
Tonight, I am saying goodbye to my Grandma K. She passed away earlier this evening, around 7:00 PM. This, of course, comes no more than about two weeks after my Grandpa M. passed away. I will be heading back to her little farming town outside of Chicago for her funeral, likely next week when the plans are figured out.
This is a picture of me as a baby, when she and my Grandpa K. came to visit us in my childhood home in Tukwila, WA. They look so young and different than what they became. My Grandma K. outlived Grandpa K. by nearly a quarter of a century, making it to her mid-90s. But, my Grandpa K. passed away in 1986, which was less than 10 years after that photo. The last time I saw him, he was in the hospital for a bypass, and he died a few weeks thereafter after he came home and took a nap from which he never woke. My last memories of him are hooked up to machines and holding a little mug that I bought him with hearts on it and some message like, "I love my grandpa." I remember listening to Gloria Estefan a lot on my Walkman during that trip, since we were always in the car going back and forth to visit him at the hospital. I still regret not going to that funeral, but my parents thought that it would be too difficult for me to experience something like that so young, so they didn't let me go. It was a tough time anyway. My parents had recently divorced and everything was full of turmoil. Everything happens for a reason, and for whatever reason, I wasn't meant to go to his service.
I remember lots of fun times going out to visit them in their sleepy little farming town when I was a kid. We'd go to visit my Great Grandma K. in Ottowa, who lived to 99 before she passed away. We'd go have lunch out at Shabbona Lake. And we'd always go on trips to the various places the family had farmed thoughout their lives, and visited the graveyards to bring flowers to those who went before us. This time those flowers will be for my Grandma K. as well. I'll have to take on the duty of making sure to pick out the right flowers and have the things we need to clean up the graves and make them look pretty again.
When I was younger, I went out to visit my grandma every summer and she was always ecstatic to see me. As a very young girl, she would put me in the basket of her bicycle and we would ride around town, while she showed me off to neighbors - her little granddaughter. We would walk through the forest and collect pinecones and acorns and leaves in the fall. And one winter, we received so much snow there that my dad and I built an igloo out in the backyard. She hummed and sang constantly, and she had such a funny voice. I can't even think of how to describe it, yet I'll always remember how she went about her business while humming and singing along. She always wore these heavy-duty shaping undergarments that just looked so uncomfortable. They weren't quite corsets, but they were close enough. She wore these even up to my last visit, when I meant to tell her that it was OK if she didn't want to wear those things anymore, but then thought better of it since it really was such a part of her and she felt it was important to do things by the book.
She always remembered my birthday and sent me money for the holidays. And she always wrote that she prayed for me every day and thanked God for me in her life. She loved her family fiercely, no matter how ridiculous we all are in our own ways. What are we supposed to do now that she is gone?
As I got older, my visits became less and less frequent, spanning a couple or a few years at a time. She was no longer well enough to travel out our way, so we always went to Chicago to see her.
My last visit to see her was almost two years ago. The picture above is from that visit. L. and I made a trip out to visit her with my dad, and then went on to Detroit to visit L.'s grandparents. At the time, Grandma K. was still living in the house she had shared with my Grandpa K. so many years before. But her health was clearly starting to fail, she was sleeping all the time, and her mind started to go as well. We had a few tense moments in public when things didn't make sense to her. She had already broken her hip several years before that and recovered, but had then fallen again at one point and didn't remember to use her life alert, so she waited until her caretaker came to check in on her later that day. At that point, I talked to my dad and the caretaker, and we decided that she needed to go into an assisted living home so that she would be safer. I had a picture of her getting confused at some point and deciding to go down into the basement to get something, then falling and hurting herself again. She agreed to go to the assisted living home, but not without some discussion and fear. A few weeks after that, she fell in the bathroom in her apartment there and hurt herself, so she had to go to the nursing home thereafter. Every since that, she was never really the same.
Everything I know after that point is second hand. My dad has gone out to see her and take care of her business every two to three months since that time. Sometimes she would be conscious and know who he was, other times she would only sleep and not recognize him. I should have gotten out there at some point to visit her, but I never did. I can make the excuse that it was never a good time to go, and I suppose in some ways that was true, what with last year being so busy with my relatively new job, buying the house, and all of the stuff with the wedding last year, and then my crappy health situation earlier this year. And I figured it was always dubious whether she would recognize her visitors or not, so I could never be sure that it would matter much anyway. But no matter what, I just think that I was a bad granddaughter for not going to visit her regardless of whether she would have known I was there or not. And I actually planned to visit her in July with my dad, because I feared that it wouldn't be much longer until she passed. But, I waited too long and now I'll never have that chance. I hope she understands and can forgive that part of me, since I know that I let both of us down on that one. But I hope that she knew that I really did love her and still do, and will always cherish the memories I have of her.
This is a picture of me as a baby, when she and my Grandpa K. came to visit us in my childhood home in Tukwila, WA. They look so young and different than what they became. My Grandma K. outlived Grandpa K. by nearly a quarter of a century, making it to her mid-90s. But, my Grandpa K. passed away in 1986, which was less than 10 years after that photo. The last time I saw him, he was in the hospital for a bypass, and he died a few weeks thereafter after he came home and took a nap from which he never woke. My last memories of him are hooked up to machines and holding a little mug that I bought him with hearts on it and some message like, "I love my grandpa." I remember listening to Gloria Estefan a lot on my Walkman during that trip, since we were always in the car going back and forth to visit him at the hospital. I still regret not going to that funeral, but my parents thought that it would be too difficult for me to experience something like that so young, so they didn't let me go. It was a tough time anyway. My parents had recently divorced and everything was full of turmoil. Everything happens for a reason, and for whatever reason, I wasn't meant to go to his service.
I remember lots of fun times going out to visit them in their sleepy little farming town when I was a kid. We'd go to visit my Great Grandma K. in Ottowa, who lived to 99 before she passed away. We'd go have lunch out at Shabbona Lake. And we'd always go on trips to the various places the family had farmed thoughout their lives, and visited the graveyards to bring flowers to those who went before us. This time those flowers will be for my Grandma K. as well. I'll have to take on the duty of making sure to pick out the right flowers and have the things we need to clean up the graves and make them look pretty again.
When I was younger, I went out to visit my grandma every summer and she was always ecstatic to see me. As a very young girl, she would put me in the basket of her bicycle and we would ride around town, while she showed me off to neighbors - her little granddaughter. We would walk through the forest and collect pinecones and acorns and leaves in the fall. And one winter, we received so much snow there that my dad and I built an igloo out in the backyard. She hummed and sang constantly, and she had such a funny voice. I can't even think of how to describe it, yet I'll always remember how she went about her business while humming and singing along. She always wore these heavy-duty shaping undergarments that just looked so uncomfortable. They weren't quite corsets, but they were close enough. She wore these even up to my last visit, when I meant to tell her that it was OK if she didn't want to wear those things anymore, but then thought better of it since it really was such a part of her and she felt it was important to do things by the book.
She always remembered my birthday and sent me money for the holidays. And she always wrote that she prayed for me every day and thanked God for me in her life. She loved her family fiercely, no matter how ridiculous we all are in our own ways. What are we supposed to do now that she is gone?
As I got older, my visits became less and less frequent, spanning a couple or a few years at a time. She was no longer well enough to travel out our way, so we always went to Chicago to see her.
My last visit to see her was almost two years ago. The picture above is from that visit. L. and I made a trip out to visit her with my dad, and then went on to Detroit to visit L.'s grandparents. At the time, Grandma K. was still living in the house she had shared with my Grandpa K. so many years before. But her health was clearly starting to fail, she was sleeping all the time, and her mind started to go as well. We had a few tense moments in public when things didn't make sense to her. She had already broken her hip several years before that and recovered, but had then fallen again at one point and didn't remember to use her life alert, so she waited until her caretaker came to check in on her later that day. At that point, I talked to my dad and the caretaker, and we decided that she needed to go into an assisted living home so that she would be safer. I had a picture of her getting confused at some point and deciding to go down into the basement to get something, then falling and hurting herself again. She agreed to go to the assisted living home, but not without some discussion and fear. A few weeks after that, she fell in the bathroom in her apartment there and hurt herself, so she had to go to the nursing home thereafter. Every since that, she was never really the same.
Everything I know after that point is second hand. My dad has gone out to see her and take care of her business every two to three months since that time. Sometimes she would be conscious and know who he was, other times she would only sleep and not recognize him. I should have gotten out there at some point to visit her, but I never did. I can make the excuse that it was never a good time to go, and I suppose in some ways that was true, what with last year being so busy with my relatively new job, buying the house, and all of the stuff with the wedding last year, and then my crappy health situation earlier this year. And I figured it was always dubious whether she would recognize her visitors or not, so I could never be sure that it would matter much anyway. But no matter what, I just think that I was a bad granddaughter for not going to visit her regardless of whether she would have known I was there or not. And I actually planned to visit her in July with my dad, because I feared that it wouldn't be much longer until she passed. But, I waited too long and now I'll never have that chance. I hope she understands and can forgive that part of me, since I know that I let both of us down on that one. But I hope that she knew that I really did love her and still do, and will always cherish the memories I have of her.
Saturday, June 13, 2009
Life recap
Sorry, it's been awhile since I've written, mostly because I have been devoid of much free time lately. It's been an interesting month, full of both good and sad things.
First, the sad, so we can just get through that and onto the happy news. Mid last month, we got news that one of my grandfathers was going downhill pretty rapidly. He'd been fighting lung cancer (although never actually a smoker himself) for almost a year before needing to stop chemo because it was too hard on his body. Within a couple of months, the cancer took over his lungs entirely, and spread to his lymph system and throat. This was in addition to a weak heart. L. and I traveled to Eastern WA to visit him on Memorial Day weekend, and he had definitely taken a turn from the last time we saw him over the holidays. He was still mentally there, but it was clear that he was very tired and he was constantly going in and out of naps.
When we left, I had a feeling that it was likely the last time I would see him alive. And it was. He passed away about 2-1/2 weeks later at home with my aunts and grandma. We went back over last weekend for the funeral, and as you'd expect, it was difficult for everyone. We were all happy that he was no longer suffering, but it's always sad to say goodbye to someone you love. During the funeral, I stood up and incoherently blubbered my way through my memories of him giving me his history magazines when I was growing up and the interesting conversations we had. This is a man who made it out of WWII and the Battle of the Bulge alive, so he had stories and then some. Others stood to share their memories of him, and it was clear to everyone that he did so many things for people and shared so much of his life with others that he will never be forgotten.
We went to the funeral home to see him in his casket, and I have to say that I'm really glad I did that. Otherwise, my last memory of him would always be his frail body hunched over in his chair, hooked up to machines and the pulled look on his face as he slept. In his casket, he looked more like he did in better days, and my mom immediately gasped, "he really suffered, didn't he?" She was surprised at the difference between when she had last seen him (also during the holidays) and the way that he looked in his casket. I agreed that he had definitely suffered, and the end was not kind to him. but seeing him in his suit and his face no longer strained went a long way in convincing me that he is in a better place now and no longer suffering from his illness. I could not make it to his burial, being in the middle of the day on Monday, but I came home and made a fresh bouquet of peonies from my yard, which my parents took to the burial. He would have loved that, because he loved plants and flowers, and cared for not only his own yard, but also the yards of his neighbors and his church. I am seriously sad that he fell ill before L. and I got situated in our house, of I would have loved to have him visit and teach us about how to care for our yard and garden. He would have had a lot of knowledge to impart on that subject.
In happier news, I got a new position at work. I'm still writing technical documentation, but I'm taking on a new technology that has to be done from scratch and managing a couple of contractors for the task. It's a really awesome opportunity, and the contractors on this project are really great. I think it's going to be a really good move for me, and something that will make me happier in the long run as this project is full of the kinds of problems I just love to solve.
And finally, this last week, my friend A. from NY came to visit. It was so great to see her and spend some time just hanging out. We always have so much fun together, and she is someone I can be totally sarcastic with, which I love. I took Wednesday off so that we could go do something, and we ended up going shopping and getting our nails done. Unfortunately, in the middle of the day she realized that she was missing her ATM card, so there were a couple of hours of panic as we retraced steps and called to cancel the card. Fortunately, things worked out OK and no one had tried to use the card, so she was able to just cancel it without a problem. We also watched So You Think You Can Dance (known to L. and me as Shobie Doobie Doobie Dance, Dance, Dance) and Extras (with Ricky Gervais), so that was fun. I always like a good reality show and comedy show.
So, that's it for the moment. I'll try to be better about blogging again, but I'm literally doing two jobs right now until someone takes over my old position, which leaves me with little time for anything. But it will be totally worth it, especially since I feel energized about my job in a way I haven't in a very long time.
First, the sad, so we can just get through that and onto the happy news. Mid last month, we got news that one of my grandfathers was going downhill pretty rapidly. He'd been fighting lung cancer (although never actually a smoker himself) for almost a year before needing to stop chemo because it was too hard on his body. Within a couple of months, the cancer took over his lungs entirely, and spread to his lymph system and throat. This was in addition to a weak heart. L. and I traveled to Eastern WA to visit him on Memorial Day weekend, and he had definitely taken a turn from the last time we saw him over the holidays. He was still mentally there, but it was clear that he was very tired and he was constantly going in and out of naps.
When we left, I had a feeling that it was likely the last time I would see him alive. And it was. He passed away about 2-1/2 weeks later at home with my aunts and grandma. We went back over last weekend for the funeral, and as you'd expect, it was difficult for everyone. We were all happy that he was no longer suffering, but it's always sad to say goodbye to someone you love. During the funeral, I stood up and incoherently blubbered my way through my memories of him giving me his history magazines when I was growing up and the interesting conversations we had. This is a man who made it out of WWII and the Battle of the Bulge alive, so he had stories and then some. Others stood to share their memories of him, and it was clear to everyone that he did so many things for people and shared so much of his life with others that he will never be forgotten.
We went to the funeral home to see him in his casket, and I have to say that I'm really glad I did that. Otherwise, my last memory of him would always be his frail body hunched over in his chair, hooked up to machines and the pulled look on his face as he slept. In his casket, he looked more like he did in better days, and my mom immediately gasped, "he really suffered, didn't he?" She was surprised at the difference between when she had last seen him (also during the holidays) and the way that he looked in his casket. I agreed that he had definitely suffered, and the end was not kind to him. but seeing him in his suit and his face no longer strained went a long way in convincing me that he is in a better place now and no longer suffering from his illness. I could not make it to his burial, being in the middle of the day on Monday, but I came home and made a fresh bouquet of peonies from my yard, which my parents took to the burial. He would have loved that, because he loved plants and flowers, and cared for not only his own yard, but also the yards of his neighbors and his church. I am seriously sad that he fell ill before L. and I got situated in our house, of I would have loved to have him visit and teach us about how to care for our yard and garden. He would have had a lot of knowledge to impart on that subject.
In happier news, I got a new position at work. I'm still writing technical documentation, but I'm taking on a new technology that has to be done from scratch and managing a couple of contractors for the task. It's a really awesome opportunity, and the contractors on this project are really great. I think it's going to be a really good move for me, and something that will make me happier in the long run as this project is full of the kinds of problems I just love to solve.
And finally, this last week, my friend A. from NY came to visit. It was so great to see her and spend some time just hanging out. We always have so much fun together, and she is someone I can be totally sarcastic with, which I love. I took Wednesday off so that we could go do something, and we ended up going shopping and getting our nails done. Unfortunately, in the middle of the day she realized that she was missing her ATM card, so there were a couple of hours of panic as we retraced steps and called to cancel the card. Fortunately, things worked out OK and no one had tried to use the card, so she was able to just cancel it without a problem. We also watched So You Think You Can Dance (known to L. and me as Shobie Doobie Doobie Dance, Dance, Dance) and Extras (with Ricky Gervais), so that was fun. I always like a good reality show and comedy show.
So, that's it for the moment. I'll try to be better about blogging again, but I'm literally doing two jobs right now until someone takes over my old position, which leaves me with little time for anything. But it will be totally worth it, especially since I feel energized about my job in a way I haven't in a very long time.
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