And so there it is

Well, I tried. I've been off antidepressants for nearly two years now, but unfortunately I think I need them again. I suppose it's better this time, in that I can see the signs and try to address things earlier than the first time I needed them. I don't think I'll need to be on them endlessly, but there are certainly enough things going on right now to where the depression is setting in and I am getting panic attacks again. L. and I have been working on reducing the level of stress and figuring out how to be happier on an every day basis, but it's not enough for me.

Depression and anxiety are no fun, and I feel weak for resorting to antidepressants, but I know that the alternative is worse and staying in bed all day isn't going to make anything better. I've taken this week off to try and relax and do things that I enjoy so as not to focus on all of the other stuff, but it's not really helping. I finally called the doctor's office this afternoon in a fit of tears to make an appointment to go back on antidepressants, and the receptionist was so nice about it all, which seemed to make me cry more. After I got off the phone, I felt better because I know that it's a positive step for my mental health and being able to cope with all the pressure and sadness, but I honestly thought that I wouldn't ever need them again. I guess I was wrong.

I think the worst part is just how everyone else reacts to it, which I suppose shouldn't matter, but sometimes it does. If you've never dealt with depression and panic attacks, it can look pretty ridiculous and make you think that the person just needs to pick themselves up and stop being a baby about everything. But those of us who have gone through it know that it's a much harder, insidious thing to battle and it's not just a matter of picking ourselves up by the bootstraps and getting on with things. I literally feel like the life drains out of me and I have no energy for anything. I drag myself out of bed as much as possible and try to maintain a normal life, and there are moments where things feel "normal" before it all crashes again. And unfortunately, I've noticed that the crashes are lasting longer and longer, and the normal parts are becoming less and less as time goes on.

I'm proud that I survived the last couple of years without antidepressants. I had a lot of pressure with the new house, moving in with L., getting married, honeymoon, illness, and death of several family members and friends. But we just haven't really gotten a break, and even though I pledged that 2010 was going to be far better than 2009, I'm just not seeing a huge change. I can't really continue ignoring the fact that I have to force myself to do absolutely anything other than hide out at home and eat crappy comfort food. Even the last few things I've done with friends, while fun and I think definitely part of my regular "normal" life, have been work and left me feeling drained instead of energized. Today I found myself absolutely devastated about going back to work on Monday and had a panic attack, at which point I called the doctor's office knowing that I can't continue like this.

L. is supportive. I broke the news to him tonight, and he tries to be understanding. It's hard for him to really understand because while he may have faced situational depression and difficulty in his life, he's not had the chemical unbalance I'm facing right now and unable to get a handle on. And, of course, he has the added issue of coming from a family where this kind of thing is definitely seen as unacceptable. What they don't get is that I'd give nearly anything to not feel this way.

I know that the things we're facing and struggling with are parts of life, and that we'll have ups and downs. I can certainly accept that. I just can't accept the toll it's taking on me, especially when I have to keep up my end of the bargain. I know that finding something more fulfilling in my life would help, but I don't have the extra energy to even take a step in that direction right now, so I know that I need the additional help. And so there it is. I hope that this help will give me the energy I need to make the necessary changes to lead a more fulfilling life, and in turn help me to wean myself off of the antidepressants again at some point. I do think that ultimately this will be a bit of a dance throughout life with medications, but I hope that I can find ways to reduce my need for them in other ways and only use them at points like this where I'm at the end of my rope. Here's hoping.