One year

So, it's been exactly one year since my marriage ended. Well, technically, since C. left - our divorce wasn't actually final until December. But, the day that he left really was the end for us, and the time was really just a formality of selling the house and getting through the waiting period for divorces in Washington state.

I took some time to reflect on things today and to think about how different my life is now than it was then. I think overall, this last year held some really wonderful things for me, and I'm definitely happier about my position in life than I was before.

L. asked me the other day whether or not I was still disappointed about my divorce. It was an interesting question, because on one hand I am disappointed and probably always will be in some way. The disappointment comes from the fact that I had to get divorced at all, especially when I wasn't even given the chance to try at all. The hardest part for me will just always be how it happened, and not that it happened. I don't really know how to explain that, but that's really what bothered me the most. You can get over a person, but sometimes it's just hard to get over the circumstances. And, of course, since my dad left my mom in a similar manner, I have double experience with these circumstances. So, the fact that I was able to move on at all is somewhat of a miracle to me.

I'll probably always have some doubts, but as my counselor said way back when (very wisely, I might add), love is, in the end, just a leap of faith. You can do all kinds of things to ensure that you don't repeat patterns in the next relationship, but there's never a guarantee. It kind of sucks that that's the best a trained professional can come up with, but it's true. So, as she said, you just accept it and move on, otherwise you miss out on all kinds of wonderful things. And it turned out that she was right. I might have missed out on L. and all of the wonderful experiences that we've had if I had decided to stay in a rut.

I think that where I am right now is really how my life is supposed to be and how I always wanted it to be, and I was just never going to have it this way with C. Being single opened up some doors for me, such as meeting people who I never would have met otherwise, and experiencing things on my own for the first time in my life. And I'm with someone now who enjoys spending time with me and makes me a priority in his life. I can't even begin to explain how great that feels. I didn't even know what I was missing until it hit me smack dab in the face. It's weird how you can be going along with the status quo so long that the deficiencies become the norm.

Anyway, it's been a tough year in a lot of ways, since grief doesn't always make sense. But, I made it through and had some really great things happen, which reminded me that when one door closes, another one will open. I'm still not sure if I'll ever entirely figure out what went wrong with C., but at least I'm closer to understanding myself and knowing what I need to be happy. And I guess that's the best lesson I could have learned from all of this.

Oh, and I'd just like to say thanks to all of my friends and family who stuck by me and helped me through the tough spots. I am definitely a lucky girl to have such great people in my life.