Elimination diet

Since my last writing, I got results back from my blood, saliva, and urine tests. Turns out that I'm allergic to 16 (yes, sixteen) foods, and have some thyroid, hormone, and neurotransmitter problems. It's no wonder I felt awful all the time! My body was literally attacking most everything I love to eat, and causing my immune system to be in overdrive so it couldn't deal with infections anymore.

Over the last couple of weeks, I've started an elimination diet and some new supplements to support my immune system, thyroid, vitamin deficiencies, hormones, and neurotransmission. I stocked up on some great cookbooks for people with food allergies, including ones that are completely gluten, egg, and dairy free. It's a challenge to learn how to cook in a new way and eat new foods, but I can definitely tell a difference in the stomach issues I was having.

I'm taking some time off from work to get used to it all and reduce stress, which was a huge contributor to this whole thing. I'm still sleeping a lot more than normal, but my energy level is slightly better and isolating myself from the outside world as much as possible is good to keep me from catching any other colds or flu until my immune system can recover.

I'm so thankful for the ability to do this so that I can get back to living my life again. L. has been a great support, as have my family and friends. I have a couple of friends who are gluten free, so they have been sending me great info and sharing books to help me understand what I'm up against here. It's pretty fascinating.

I'm just so glad that I finally got some answers instead of just treating symptoms, especially since that wasn't really helping any longer. This approach is much more holistic and will help me to be able to exist without a bunch of medications or continuing to have lowered immunity and exhaustion. I'm very blessed to have this knowledge now.

Alternative medicine

I know it's been awhile since I last blogged, but I just haven't been feeling up to it. Since last fall, I kept getting sick with the flu or a cold over and over again, and just couldn't shake things. Over time, I had less and less energy, and basically spent the majority of my free time sleeping so that I could keep up with my new job.

Earlier this month, I had enough. After six months of things just going further and further downhill, and little support from my doctor to figure out the root cause, I started seeing a naturopath. My only regret is that I didn't go to her sooner. I'm constantly blown away by how different it is than traditional medicine.

As a comparison, my regular doctor would spend ~10 minutes with me and by the end of the appointment, would give me a prescription to treat my symptoms. Only after a lot of prodding did she order a couple of tests that uncovered that I'm not only deficient in vitamin D, but even after almost a year of high-level supplements, my vitamin D count went down. However, for whatever reason that didn't seem alarming to her to figure out why it had gone down. Instead she just wanted me to take more supplements. This is among a lot of other problems that she didn't want to figure out the root cause.

Compare that to the naturopath, who spent 1-1/2 hours with me on my first visit, and at least 30-60 minutes with me for each appointment thereafter. She really listened to everything I had to say, all the symptoms I've been having, and asked a ton of questions about my lifestyle, workload, stress level, etc. I've started tests for regular annual physical stuff (cholesterol and the like), blood tests for food allergies, and urine and saliva tests for hormones and neurotransmitters. I should mention that out of all the tests, the only ones my regular doctor ever ordered were at annual physical time.

In the meantime while we wait for the results, they've started me on injections of vitamin B + vitamin C + magnesium to help my immune system, since I seem to have trouble absorbing vitamins. I take daily supplements to boost my immunity and she has switched me to a liquid vitamin D supplement, which is better for absorbtion. I already feel a difference, even though I'm not out of the woods by any means. In fact, I overdid it a bit this weekend after celebrating my birthday. I'm not used to being out on the weekends much anymore, so even just being with friends and family was tiring for me. I now look forward to Fridays when I get my vitamin injection because I get a real noticable boost of energy for a few days afterwards. It's amazing.

For the first time, I have real hope that I can get better and stay better. And one of the best parts is that by figuring out the root causes, it will help my health overall, including my weight and everything else. It seems that a lot of my recent weight gain was tied to a borderline underactive thyroid, which causes a lot of things including fatigue, exhaustion, weight gain, etc. My naturopath also confirmed that my trying to exercise each time after getting a bit better was backfiring, since I don't have enough energy right now to sustain much physical activity. Hopefully through figuring out all of the root causes and addressing those, I'll be able to add back in physical activity without feeling like passing out afterward anymore.

I know that I'll have a road ahead of me to adjust my lifestyle to whatever comes out of these test results, but I'm so ready to start feeling better again and get back to my normal self. Turns out that all the stress I was enduring over the last few years was really dangerous for me, and now I just need time to let myself recover. Here's hoping that this is a year of getting my health back in order so that I can feel like me again and not sleep my life away. I know that this will mean a lot to me, as well as to my husband, and family, and friends. I've been missing in action, but I don't want to hide any longer.

Happy New Year and welcome to 2011

Happy New Year everyone! Hope that 2010 treated everyone better than 2009 and that 2011 is even better than 2010. I have many things to be thankful for, which is sometimes hard to remember when things are rough, but it's good to have holidays to remind us of the things we do have going our way. Wishing everyone blessings and good tidings for 2011!

Memories

Recently my dad came over with several boxes of "stuff" that he shipped back from Illinois after my grandma passed away last year. I've had it sitting on the table this last week since I was sick and didn't have much energy to open them up to see what was inside.

Tonight, I finally felt like starting to dig through the things and found all kinds of memories and treasures. There are tons of old photographs of my dad, grandparents, great grandparents, and even great great grandparents. Also, we found several years of farming journals from the 1940s that account for all of the activities, costs, income, etc. from their farming business. My grandma kept a yearly diary, so we have several years of those from the 40s on as well. Her contributions were famous in the family - she was meticulous about tracking the weather, her daily goings-on, what was going on with everyone in the family, details of phone calls, etc. It's pretty fascinating to look back through those and see what her days were filled with. I found a journal from my great grandmother that details her life story, and a journal she kept with all of her income and expenses.

One of the boxes is filled with slides and when you hold them to the light you can still make out what the pictures are. It appears that some are from Japan, so I'm thinking that they're from when my dad was based in Japan during the Vietnam war, though they look more like something you'd order from a place like National Geographic than personal pictures. So, I'll have to figure out the story on those.

It's interesting to look through these boxes and get reacquainted with family members who have gone long before. In a time where nearly everything I do has a digital edge, it's nice to open these journals with real handwriting and the smell of decades of storage, and to look at photos that were so formal and must have cost a small fortune to take in those years. So different from now when we can immediately look at a screen to figure out whether we like the photo and delete it if we want to try again.

Well, we're all going to die in 2012, right?

...you know, if that whole Mayan calendar thing turns out to be true. So, I guess let the republicans have the house. Now when it comes to the next election and things aren't done, people can swing back to the democrats. I really can't understand swing voters at all, and this tea bagger obsession is ridiculous. What a bunch of idiots.

Oh well. Like I said earlier today, if you're a woman and you voted, thank progressives for fighting for that right for you.

Life is good

The past several days I have felt so good. Incredibly good. Just full of goodness inside. I can't really explain why, and I don't know that there's anything in particular that has made me feel this way. I guess there are just many things at play right now that feel good.

Last weekend, L. and I celebrated our second anniversary by going downtown for the evening and having a nice night out together. I'm so thankful that we have good jobs and can afford to do nice things like that with one another. I'm so thankful that he's in my life. I'm so thankful for the things we have and where we are in life. I'm so thankful that we get the opportunity to volunteer at the radio station and enjoy sharing music with one another. I'm thankful for our puppy. Thankful for our house. Thankful for it all.

A couple of my friends have moved back to the Seattle area, and I've made some new friends over these last several months that I just love to hang out with. Plus, I've got my good regular friends around to do things with. It's just nice to have a mix of old and new people in my life.

I've got my new job, and it has a lot of challenges but really good challenges. I'm sure that there will be some things I'm not crazy about, but I feel like a huge weight is gone from my shoulders.

I've got my new car on order, and I'm really excited about it. I can't wait until it gets here and I can finally drive it!

The holidays are right around the corner, and that means lots of gatherings with family and friends for the next couple of months.

I guess I just feel like things are busy right now, but in a good way and not so crazy like last year. It's nice to have this time where I feel more settled and I'm really enjoying things, instead of just working all day and night. I hope that this feeling continues and that there are more good things to come.

Letting go

Today I finally let go of the hurt and anger that had built up from a situation with a friend earlier this year. At the time the situation happened, I was devastated and ever since then there's been something hanging out, making pressure build up inside of me.

Today, this person emailed me with a question, and they were very respectful about the situation that happened and approached the conversation in a good way. When I read it, I decided that I could go on being angry and hurt, or I could let go and heal. I still feel that the situation was upsetting so it's not like those were unjustified feelings. But in the end, it was just bringing me down and not doing any good. It felt pretty remarkable, really. I don't have any grand ideas about being great friends with this person again, but they're part of my network and it just won't do to try and keep relationships with everyone else while licking my wounds over this one thing with this one person.

In the grand scheme of things, there are people whom I have hurt or angered, and I haven't always been given the chance to make things up to those people. Sometimes we just don't get that chance. But other times, it's pretty hard to avoid something altogether and really go on unless you make a conscious decision to forgive and forget.

Car nostalgia

The purchase of my new car has got me a bit nostalgic about past cars I’ve owned, going back now about 16 years. Prior to my 16th birthday, my parents enrolled me in a defensive driving school near our house, and made sure that I knew the rules of the road. I spent time practicing with my mom, my step dad, and my older sister.


My mom was adamant that I learn how to drive a manual transmission, despite the fact that nearly everyone we knew drove automatics and even the driving school taught with automatic cars. She was convinced that one day I would end up at someone’s house who was convulsing and dying, and I’d have to rescue them in the only car available, which would (of course due to murphy’s law) be a manual transmission. At first, she thought it would be a good idea for me to learn on her brand new Honda Accord, so we drove it to the parking lot of my high school on a deserted weekend afternoon, and she had me take the wheel. The thing they don’t really tell you when you’re starting out driving, is that new cars with new manual transmissions are very tricky. Finding the sweet spot for shifting is a bit of an art, if not an attempt to drive you insane. After grinding the gears on my mom’s car for the 20th time and becoming pissed at her need to grip the door handles and interior like I was taking a sledge hammer to her car, I told her that the jig was up. There was no need for me to drive a manual transmission. We could just go home in peace, and never speak of this again. My mom was never one to let me out of anything easily, even if my every attempt to shift made a small part of her die inside, so she responded that I was going to learn how to drive her car or else. So, I did what any unbalanced 16 year old girl would do by shoving it into first and flooring it. I never drove her car again, and it’s just as well.

Ultimately, the driving lessons continued with my step dad’s and my sister’s vehicles, where I could safely grind gears without instilling a heart attack in my passengers. In fact, my sister’s truck was a bit of a broke down Mitsubishi mess, and starting from a stop light in first gear was entirely optional, as it happily started in whatever gear I’d last left it in. My step dad’s truck was a very nicely used model, and I was able to master the driving lessons with it without much fanfare. I’d never pegged my step dad as patient about much of anything before, so it was a nice surprise to learn that he was really great to go out with for driving practice.

As my 16th birthday approached, my mom decided to set some expectations with me about the possibility of a car. Though my two older sisters had gotten cars for their 16th birthdays, it just wasn’t in the cards for me, she hesitatingly told me. They just couldn’t afford it. I was sad, but understood, and she told me that they’d work out a way for me to use my step dad’s truck when I needed it.

The morning of my birthday, I was at Camp Woskowitcz with friends from my German class at school. We’d gone to a weekend German camp event, and were busy dawdling our way back home totally unaware that I had a surprise birthday party waiting for me back home. I got home to find all my friends hanging out and I immediately regretted passing up a shower in the sketchy camp shower in lieu of taking a long bath when I got home. We settled in for the celebration, and when I opened my gifts, my parents card was the last to be brought out. When I opened it, a key fell to the floor and it said that if I wanted to exercise my right to drive, I should go immediately to the door and open it. I expected my step dad’s truck, but what I found outside was a cherry red Chevy Camaro with a huge gold bow on it and my name printed on a banner. Though I don’t remember the exact year any longer, I think it was a mid-80s model and it screamed cool. I literally had a few of my friends crying and moaning that their parents were so lame to not get them such a car. To put it in perspective, my friend, A., was driving around in an ancient avocado green Oldsmobile inherited from her grandma and another friend, N., was driving her mom’s Lincoln (I think) when her mom wasn’t using the car.

It turned out that my step dad thought I was a pretty good kid, got great grades, and caused little trouble, so he decided I should get a great car. He found the Camaro, got a storage unit, and started fixing it up for me without telling my mom about it until three days before my birthday. He didn’t want her to accidently spill the beans.

I quickly dubbed my car Georgio Roman Armani (I know, I know), and as soon as I got my license I looked for any excuse to drive. Need milk? I’m on it. Something needs to go the post office? I’m your girl… I started driving to school and taking my friends to and from home, and we had a blast playing mix tapes and singing at the top of our lungs. That car was so much fun to drive, and it was fast. The real problem came when we realized it was a bit of a lemon. I had it in the shop several times for problems that turned out to be repeat offenders. Over time, the babysitting money and my income from the hair salon dwindled and my college fund was getting pretty depleted. I was loathe to admit it, but I needed a new car before I was broke, so I talked to my dad about it and asked whether we could trade it in for a reliable little Honda or something. At that point, I didn’t even care what it was as long as it wasn’t breaking down and costing me a small fortune.

One day, he took the keys to the Georgio and said he’d take it to get it checked out. When he got home, he tossed my key ring at me, but there was a strange new key on it. I bolted upright and ran to the door to find a red and black Eagle Talon. I ran around in joy. It was about 6 years old, but in overall really great condition and it had a Turbo button. You can bet I had a blast with that car, too. I never named the Talon, in part because Georgio and my friend’s car, Penelope, seemed to have so many problems that we thought naming might be bad juju.

The Talon lasted me through college and the first year out of school and in the real world. I was working as a teaching assistant at a local community college, and my new husband was trying to make ends meet before he started graduate school. Due to increasing maintenance costs, we decided to bite the bullet and get a new car. I found the Toyota ECHO in 2001, and bought it after one test drive. The only option on it is air conditioning, but it’s been the best little car for economy, room, and reliability. Maintenance is cheap. I literally get the oil changed a few times a year at ~$30 a pop, and have had the major services done as needed. It goes forever on one tank of gas. We got the four-door ECHO, since we thought we might have a family at some point and having the back doors would be handy. Of course, we all know that story never panned out, but I love the ECHO anyway since it was the first car I was ever able to buy for myself. It’s been through a lot of moves, and seen a few dings, but it was well worth the $14K I spent on it and then some, even if it’s not the most gutsy thing I’ve ever owned.

Which brings us to my 2011 MINI Cooper S Clubman. That is going to be one heck of a fun car. I feel like it kind of marries two sides of my personality: the side that is practical and responds to function, and the side that just wants to have a good, fun, fast ride and appreciates great design.

Vrrroooommmmm

I finally dove in head first and bought a new car. Since being rear-ended by the school bus earlier this year and getting a rental car while my Toyota Echo was in the shop, I've been thinking about and researching a lot of options for a new vehicle. I've had my Echo for nearly 10 years now, and it's been (and still is) a fantastic car. We'll probably end up selling it, but we're toying around with the idea of just keeping it around as the vehicle we use to do more messy things like hardware trips, hauling stuff around, taking to places where we don't care if it gets banged up a bit or dirty.

After my research and mulling over options for the last several months, I picked the MINI Cooper S Clubman, and ordered a 2011 model. Last week, when my friend T. came for a visit, she handed over the driver's seat in her awesome MINI Cooper S and let me give it a whirl. I was instantly in love with the look, feel, and handling of her car and became quite serious about it as a possibility. This last week, I was busy on the Internet and hitting T. up with questions, and yesterday L. and I we went for a test drive of the Clubman model at Seattle MINI. Though I love everything about T.'s Cooper S, I felt that for our lifestyle having the club door on the Clubman would be helpful with getting our precious cargo, Oli, in and out of the backseat for trips to the groomer and visits with his doggy friends. I also liked that it had just a bit more room in the back, so we ultimately went with the Clubman.

I'm busy thinking of names for it now, and will be united with my car roughly around Thanksgiving if all goes according to plan with the manufacturing. I have to say that being able to custom order so many things on the car is amazingly fun. There was a little confusion with the customizing process since they are just lining up the options for the 2011 models and a couple of the things it looked like you could select on their configuration site weren't really options for the car when we went into the dealer. But those were very small details in an otherwise very flexible process, and I was happy to adjust a bit. L. was thankfully pretty quiet through it all and let me just ride with the process. We have very different strategies to buying cars, so it was nice to have him return the favor for me this time as I had done when we looked for his Audi a few years ago.

There's still a part of me that's pretty amazed I'm doing this, but the cost for the car came out right about the same as the Mazda, Honda, Toyota, Kia, and other crossover vehicles I was considering, and my MINI is designed by me! Plus, it has the backing of BMW, so how can you go wrong with that? And it's a total icon in the auto industry. So, it gets the gold star for those things. Plus, the feeling of driving a MINI is just so much fun. I couldn't help but smile the whole time we were at the dealership.

Dog toys

Oli destroys pretty much any stuffed toy we bring into the house. If it has eyes, a nose, or appendages, you can guarantee that it won't last long in our household. When we first got Oli at 8 weeks old and brought him home, I got him a moose stuffed animal from West Paw Designs. We called this moose Maddie, and Oli dragged her around with him everywhere possible. It was by far his favorite toy.  Maddie lasted a long time compared to his other toys. I think I finally had to put her in the garbage about 8 months ago (and Oli just turned 2 years old yesterday, to give you some perspective).

The other day, I was in Mud Bay Granary to pick up some food and a few new toys for Oli, and came across a penguin made by West Paw, so I picked it up. I gave it to Oli on Sunday night, and it's like he's been reunited with a long lost friend. He carries it everwhere with him, and when he's sitting on the couch, he's basically got some part of the toy resting in his mouth. Though the penguin had two funny eyes on it, Oli ate those right away, but the rest of the toy has fared pretty well despite that. Looks like West Paw has done it again!

Change of scenery

I got a new job. I'm at the same company I've been with for almost 10 years, but I move around every so often into different groups. I feel like it keeps my technical skills sharper and helps me build a larger network to depend on. This new job will be a good challenge for me, and I'm excited about it although it came about due to some of my extreme sadness. Things on my old team just never really recovered after layoffs and some changes to the direction of the product we were working on. Add to that some some of undermining behavior by people who I was close with the last year, and I just had to move on. It was a good time to move anyway, but that just made things more imminent. Of course, it's always hard to leave good people behind, so I'll miss seeing my co-workers every day, but at least they're not too far away and like other teams, we'll keep in touch. Here's hoping that my new gig is every bit as cool as I think it's going to be, and even more!

Alphabet game

Ever been stuck in the alphabet game while on a road trip? If so, looks like you need to take a detour to Wyoming.

I can't remember who sent me this, but I thought it was pretty great and had to share. Sorry about the lack of proper credit.

The Conservative Case for Gay Marriage

As I was seeing and reading more about the overturn of Proposition 8 in California, I became curious about Ted Olson, the conservative who is pro gay marriage. I did some searching, and found this article (which appears to be attributed to him): http://www.newsweek.com/2010/01/08/the-conservative-case-for-gay-marriage.html.

I have to say that I've made the same arguments many times with family or friends who disagree with marriage being a right for all. In fact, a quick search through the politics tag on my blog contains a bunch of older entries on the subject. The most pointed argument I always made was that we live in a country that values (or should value, based on our past, anyway) a separation of church and state, so the very fact that a religious rite affords heterosexual couples anything under the law should be unconstitutional if it is not afforded to all equally. I find this whole prop 8 thing quite interesting, and I hope that by forcing the issue and overturning it, marriage equality will finally become a reality in our country. The following video features Ted Olson's argument with Chris Wallace on Fox News. Go Ted!



In a slightly related, but dumb side thought, I wonder if this means Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt will get married. I believe they once said that they would get married when marriage was a right offered to all.

Travis Wall contemporary dance on SYTYCD

I absolutely connected with this performance from So You Think You Can Dance this week. It's Travis Wall choreography performed by contestant Kent Boyd and all-star Neil Haskell. Travis Wall always has the most touching and amazing choreography, and this particular one really got to a lot of people. I really felt everything in it, especially because I recently had a "friend" stab me in the back, and the pain is always so difficult to navigate. It just really touched me.



I am pulling for Kent to win it this season, although Lauren comes in as an incredibly close second. The only one I don't like at all is Robert. The judges fall all over themselves about how great he is, but I think he's such a dork, and boring. And whenever he has lifts in his routine, it always looks like he's going to dump his partner on the floor. He just doesn't seem strong enough or very grounded in his dancing. It bugs me. I hope that he doesn't win it.

I'm thankful for...

Xanax right now. Anxiety, go away!

Pretty

This rocks!

Can we just move on, please?

I'm not sure why news like this is supposed to be so shocking. The Kennedy brothers were hanging out with Marilyn Monroe, and it's not as though JFK hasn't been suspected to have an affair with her. Politicians are people, too. They enjoy sex, and some are kinkier than others. Big f'ing deal. Personally, I don't think it's a huge deal. Marilyn Monroe was hot, and whatever they did or did not do with her is their business. It's one thing if a politician is talking out one side of his/her face about marriage rights and so-called upholding moral behavior and this kind of thing comes out...it's another when people just kind of accept that human sexuality is varied and a personal decision (and right to consent) for each person involved, and just go about their lives while fighting for human rights thoughout their careers.

Thanks for sticking to your guns

So, Elton John performed at Rush Limbaugh's wedding reception for a reported $1 million smackers. Way to send a message that you give a flying F about gay marriage. I'm not sure what's more perplexing: that Elton John agreed to perform at a wedding for a homophobic asshat who doesn't support marital rights for gay and lesbian couples, or that Rush Limbaugh hired such an openly flamboyant homosexual to perform at such a traditionally sacred event. Though, this was Limbaugh's fourth wedding, so that's quite an example for the sanctity of heterosexual marriage.

I used to think it would be kind of cool to see an Elton John show, but now I've got second thoughts. Deep in my heart, I'd hope that he'd donate some or all of the money to a good gay and lesbian cause. Unlikely, I know, but still... It's about the only thing that would make the whole thing cool instead of utterly disappointing.

Just what I needed

I was rear-ended / rear-side swiped today on my way to work. By a school bus. In front of a school. While waiting for a line of parents to drop off their kids at said school.

The bus driver was turning out of the school's exit driveway, and I guess she thought that she'd drive down the center of the road over a double-yellow line to pass everyone who was turning or waiting for those who were turning (like me). Apparently thought she was not subject to the same physical parameters that applied to the rest of us drivers and pedestrians on the road this morning. I am fine, aside from a slight lower back twinge from tensing up so suddenly. Ice and Alleve have helped a lot today. My car looked worse for wear than the bus. No kids on board, thankfully.

The bus driver wasn't the sharpest tool in the shed, so I'm hoping that amongst all the paperwork we had to fill out, we got the right stuff logged. Their insurance company was rather hands off on it this morning when I called. I guess the driver has 24 hours to report the incident, at which point I'll hear what next steps to take and *I* should call *them* back tomorrow sometime. Good thing time is not of the essence!

The Bell Jar

I just finished reading The Bell Jar by Synthia Plath. It was on my to-read list for many years, but I'd never actually borrowed or bought the book, so had not yet read it. Awhile back, I'd mentioned to L. several books (of many) that I wanted to read, and he picked it up for me at Christmas along with Push by Sapphire, which I still need to read. Talk about uplifting, but I'm all about sad stories and sad songs!

Truth be told, I was quite nervous about reading it. With my recent spiral back down into the depths of depression and the subsequent rope that saved me from reaching rock bottom, I wasn't sure whether reading something of this nature would turn out to be good or bad for my mental state. But I eventually figured that now was as good a time as any, and picked it up a few nights ago. I found it to be very entertaining and real, and I really connected with the Esther as a character (who was based on Plath and her own experience as a young woman).

I think one of the most interesting things was the lack of a seemingly compelling event to trigger Esther's depression. There were certainly things that were upsetting along the way, but overall there were a lot of things going for her and from the outside looking in, it doesn't seem like any one thing or even a combo of them would cause her to become depressed and eventually suicidal, prompting her to be taken in for shock therapy and later an asylum.

I can certainly relate to some of that, though thankfully my antidepressant is doing the work that shock therapy and other unsavory methods used to provide. I always think that my depression should be directly attributable to something, like a virus causing the common cold. I think this is the main reason that outsiders always want you to just snap out of it because most things in life have an identifiable cause. But the more I start to unravel my thoughts, I can come up with a number of upsetting things that are usually balanced or even outnumbered by positive things. So, why be depressed? I'm really a pretty positive person for the most part, which makes it even that much harder to deal with at times because you intrinsically know what you "should" be thinking and feeling. Esther struggles with that in The Bell Jar, too...that feeling of "if I were my normal self, I would be doing A and B and C."

Esther's descent did happen around the same age as the first time I was diagnosed with depression, as were several of my friends in college, and I recall being very uncertain about my future as well as putting inordinate amounts of stock in my academic achievements, financial independence, relationship status, and preparedness for the outside world. When I compare those circumstances with the circumstances I faced most recently, I think there are some parallels, although the specifics have changed. Within the last couple of years, I moved into a position of relative stability with my husband at a time when the economy took a severe nosedive and nothing seemed certain anymore. All the conventional wisdom went out the door when we discovered that our investments (retirement and property - not typically such violent bets) were suddenly plummeting and we watched our family and  friends get laid off from good jobs, and remain unemployed for untold amounts of time. At the same time we knew everything we'd built was predicated on our status quo and gainful employment, and even a small upset in that balance would cause large aftershocks. So, we kept going to be responsible and half-heartedly jump at the proverbial carrot on the stick. I mean, where else are we going to go? We bought into the American Dream hook, line, and sinker.

All of this is scary in normal times, but we all know the last few years have been anything but "normal" - more on that in a second. And after L. surviving several rounds of layoffs at his company, and me surviving several at my company, you take on all the extra work and wonder how you're going to make it in the long term. Will things ever be "normal" again? Will they ever bring back people to take on the extra work when times are good, or have we proven that two heads aren't really better than one? I guess time will tell.

Anyway, I guess I now know what it means both to be in the bell jar, and also to be in a golden cage. I suppose as a career woman, I can look forward to hitting the glass ceiling at some point, too. I can't really put my finger on it, but I don't really think this is the way we're supposed to be living, although I'm not sure the alternatives seem that great either. It's not as though I'm going to go live in the brush with an African tribe or something. We live in an age of enormous knowledge and innovation, and yet I can't help but look around me and think that roughly half the people I come in contact with are either willfully or unknowingly stupid. I'm shocked at how many people devalue education and are proud to not have any higher education. Not that the school of life is bereft of lessons to teach people, but to be a well-rounded individual, you should have both if at all possible.

When I think about the possibility of having children, it pains me to think that this is the world we're leaving them. I guess the one comfort I can take from The Bell Jar, even knowing Plath's own tragic ending, is that maybe this time is not so much abnormal as it is part of a historical, human cycle, which is only a new concept for me insomuch as I am living it now as an adult rather than viewing it as an adolescent or a child. And if I can take that information away with me, and really live well within my means (or even better, well under my means), then L. and I can withstand the next storm, and the next storm, and the next. That's my hope anyway.

Of course, having recently finished Bill Bryson's A Short History of Nearly Everything, I realize that we're probably just as close to cosmic annihilation via an asteroid or a complete failure of our planet to sustain life due to the stresses and impact we place on it. Although I find such outcomes quite terrible, there is something fascinating in knowing that we have a long ways to go and will never conquer everything - not even close. Life is truly a mystery, and that will never change.