For What It's Worth

Elimination diet

2011-04-24T19:27:00.000-07:00

Since my last writing, I got results back from my blood, saliva, and urine tests. Turns out that I'm allergic to 16 (yes, sixteen) foods, and have some thyroid, hormone, and neurotransmitter problems. It's no wonder I felt awful all the time! My body was literally attacking most everything I love to eat, and causing my immune system to be in overdrive so it couldn't deal with infections anymore.

Over the last couple of weeks, I've started an elimination diet and some new supplements to support my immune system, thyroid, vitamin deficiencies, hormones, and neurotransmission. I stocked up on some great cookbooks for people with food allergies, including ones that are completely gluten, egg, and dairy free. It's a challenge to learn how to cook in a new way and eat new foods, but I can definitely tell a difference in the stomach issues I was having.

I'm taking some time off from work to get used to it all and reduce stress, which was a huge contributor to this whole thing. I'm still sleeping a lot more than normal, but my energy level is slightly better and isolating myself from the outside world as much as possible is good to keep me from catching any other colds or flu until my immune system can recover.

I'm so thankful for the ability to do this so that I can get back to living my life again. L. has been a great support, as have my family and friends. I have a couple of friends who are gluten free, so they have been sending me great info and sharing books to help me understand what I'm up against here. It's pretty fascinating.

I'm just so glad that I finally got some answers instead of just treating symptoms, especially since that wasn't really helping any longer. This approach is much more holistic and will help me to be able to exist without a bunch of medications or continuing to have lowered immunity and exhaustion. I'm very blessed to have this knowledge now.

Alternative medicine

2011-03-29T20:57:00.000-07:00

I know it's been awhile since I last blogged, but I just haven't been feeling up to it. Since last fall, I kept getting sick with the flu or a cold over and over again, and just couldn't shake things. Over time, I had less and less energy, and basically spent the majority of my free time sleeping so that I could keep up with my new job.

Earlier this month, I had enough. After six months of things just going further and further downhill, and little support from my doctor to figure out the root cause, I started seeing a naturopath. My only regret is that I didn't go to her sooner. I'm constantly blown away by how different it is than traditional medicine.

As a comparison, my regular doctor would spend ~10 minutes with me and by the end of the appointment, would give me a prescription to treat my symptoms. Only after a lot of prodding did she order a couple of tests that uncovered that I'm not only deficient in vitamin D, but even after almost a year of high-level supplements, my vitamin D count went down. However, for whatever reason that didn't seem alarming to her to figure out why it had gone down. Instead she just wanted me to take more supplements. This is among a lot of other problems that she didn't want to figure out the root cause.

Compare that to the naturopath, who spent 1-1/2 hours with me on my first visit, and at least 30-60 minutes with me for each appointment thereafter. She really listened to everything I had to say, all the symptoms I've been having, and asked a ton of questions about my lifestyle, workload, stress level, etc. I've started tests for regular annual physical stuff (cholesterol and the like), blood tests for food allergies, and urine and saliva tests for hormones and neurotransmitters. I should mention that out of all the tests, the only ones my regular doctor ever ordered were at annual physical time.

In the meantime while we wait for the results, they've started me on injections of vitamin B + vitamin C + magnesium to help my immune system, since I seem to have trouble absorbing vitamins. I take daily supplements to boost my immunity and she has switched me to a liquid vitamin D supplement, which is better for absorbtion. I already feel a difference, even though I'm not out of the woods by any means. In fact, I overdid it a bit this weekend after celebrating my birthday. I'm not used to being out on the weekends much anymore, so even just being with friends and family was tiring for me. I now look forward to Fridays when I get my vitamin injection because I get a real noticable boost of energy for a few days afterwards. It's amazing.

For the first time, I have real hope that I can get better and stay better. And one of the best parts is that by figuring out the root causes, it will help my health overall, including my weight and everything else. It seems that a lot of my recent weight gain was tied to a borderline underactive thyroid, which causes a lot of things including fatigue, exhaustion, weight gain, etc. My naturopath also confirmed that my trying to exercise each time after getting a bit better was backfiring, since I don't have enough energy right now to sustain much physical activity. Hopefully through figuring out all of the root causes and addressing those, I'll be able to add back in physical activity without feeling like passing out afterward anymore.

I know that I'll have a road ahead of me to adjust my lifestyle to whatever comes out of these test results, but I'm so ready to start feeling better again and get back to my normal self. Turns out that all the stress I was enduring over the last few years was really dangerous for me, and now I just need time to let myself recover. Here's hoping that this is a year of getting my health back in order so that I can feel like me again and not sleep my life away. I know that this will mean a lot to me, as well as to my husband, and family, and friends. I've been missing in action, but I don't want to hide any longer.

Happy New Year and welcome to 2011

2010-12-31T13:42:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year everyone! Hope that 2010 treated everyone better than 2009 and that 2011 is even better than 2010. I have many things to be thankful for, which is sometimes hard to remember when things are rough, but it's good to have holidays to remind us of the things we do have going our way. Wishing everyone blessings and good tidings for 2011!

Memories

2010-11-14T01:32:00.000-08:00

Recently my dad came over with several boxes of "stuff" that he shipped back from Illinois after my grandma passed away last year. I've had it sitting on the table this last week since I was sick and didn't have much energy to open them up to see what was inside.

Tonight, I finally felt like starting to dig through the things and found all kinds of memories and treasures. There are tons of old photographs of my dad, grandparents, great grandparents, and even great great grandparents. Also, we found several years of farming journals from the 1940s that account for all of the activities, costs, income, etc. from their farming business. My grandma kept a yearly diary, so we have several years of those from the 40s on as well. Her contributions were famous in the family - she was meticulous about tracking the weather, her daily goings-on, what was going on with everyone in the family, details of phone calls, etc. It's pretty fascinating to look back through those and see what her days were filled with. I found a journal from my great grandmother that details her life story, and a journal she kept with all of her income and expenses.

One of the boxes is filled with slides and when you hold them to the light you can still make out what the pictures are. It appears that some are from Japan, so I'm thinking that they're from when my dad was based in Japan during the Vietnam war, though they look more like something you'd order from a place like National Geographic than personal pictures. So, I'll have to figure out the story on those.

It's interesting to look through these boxes and get reacquainted with family members who have gone long before. In a time where nearly everything I do has a digital edge, it's nice to open these journals with real handwriting and the smell of decades of storage, and to look at photos that were so formal and must have cost a small fortune to take in those years. So different from now when we can immediately look at a screen to figure out whether we like the photo and delete it if we want to try again.

Well, we're all going to die in 2012, right?

2010-11-02T22:23:00.000-07:00

...you know, if that whole Mayan calendar thing turns out to be true. So, I guess let the republicans have the house. Now when it comes to the next election and things aren't done, people can swing back to the democrats. I really can't understand swing voters at all, and this tea bagger obsession is ridiculous. What a bunch of idiots.

Oh well. Like I said earlier today, if you're a woman and you voted, thank progressives for fighting for that right for you.

Life is good

2010-10-18T00:45:00.000-07:00

The past several days I have felt so good. Incredibly good. Just full of goodness inside. I can't really explain why, and I don't know that there's anything in particular that has made me feel this way. I guess there are just many things at play right now that feel good.

Last weekend, L. and I celebrated our second anniversary by going downtown for the evening and having a nice night out together. I'm so thankful that we have good jobs and can afford to do nice things like that with one another. I'm so thankful that he's in my life. I'm so thankful for the things we have and where we are in life. I'm so thankful that we get the opportunity to volunteer at the radio station and enjoy sharing music with one another. I'm thankful for our puppy. Thankful for our house. Thankful for it all.

A couple of my friends have moved back to the Seattle area, and I've made some new friends over these last several months that I just love to hang out with. Plus, I've got my good regular friends around to do things with. It's just nice to have a mix of old and new people in my life.

I've got my new job, and it has a lot of challenges but really good challenges. I'm sure that there will be some things I'm not crazy about, but I feel like a huge weight is gone from my shoulders.

I've got my new car on order, and I'm really excited about it. I can't wait until it gets here and I can finally drive it!

The holidays are right around the corner, and that means lots of gatherings with family and friends for the next couple of months.

I guess I just feel like things are busy right now, but in a good way and not so crazy like last year. It's nice to have this time where I feel more settled and I'm really enjoying things, instead of just working all day and night. I hope that this feeling continues and that there are more good things to come.

Letting go

2010-10-12T23:55:00.000-07:00

Today I finally let go of the hurt and anger that had built up from a situation with a friend earlier this year. At the time the situation happened, I was devastated and ever since then there's been something hanging out, making pressure build up inside of me.

Today, this person emailed me with a question, and they were very respectful about the situation that happened and approached the conversation in a good way. When I read it, I decided that I could go on being angry and hurt, or I could let go and heal. I still feel that the situation was upsetting so it's not like those were unjustified feelings. But in the end, it was just bringing me down and not doing any good. It felt pretty remarkable, really. I don't have any grand ideas about being great friends with this person again, but they're part of my network and it just won't do to try and keep relationships with everyone else while licking my wounds over this one thing with this one person.

In the grand scheme of things, there are people whom I have hurt or angered, and I haven't always been given the chance to make things up to those people. Sometimes we just don't get that chance. But other times, it's pretty hard to avoid something altogether and really go on unless you make a conscious decision to forgive and forget.

Car nostalgia

2010-10-03T16:54:00.000-07:00

The purchase of my new car has got me a bit nostalgic about past cars I’ve owned, going back now about 16 years. Prior to my 16th birthday, my parents enrolled me in a defensive driving school near our house, and made sure that I knew the rules of the road. I spent time practicing with my mom, my step dad, and my older sister.

My mom was adamant that I learn how to drive a manual transmission, despite the fact that nearly everyone we knew drove automatics and even the driving school taught with automatic cars. She was convinced that one day I would end up at someone’s house who was convulsing and dying, and I’d have to rescue them in the only car available, which would (of course due to murphy’s law) be a manual transmission. At first, she thought it would be a good idea for me to learn on her brand new Honda Accord, so we drove it to the parking lot of my high school on a deserted weekend afternoon, and she had me take the wheel. The thing they don’t really tell you when you’re starting out driving, is that new cars with new manual transmissions are very tricky. Finding the sweet spot for shifting is a bit of an art, if not an attempt to drive you insane. After grinding the gears on my mom’s car for the 20th time and becoming pissed at her need to grip the door handles and interior like I was taking a sledge hammer to her car, I told her that the jig was up. There was no need for me to drive a manual transmission. We could just go home in peace, and never speak of this again. My mom was never one to let me out of anything easily, even if my every attempt to shift made a small part of her die inside, so she responded that I was going to learn how to drive her car or else. So, I did what any unbalanced 16 year old girl would do by shoving it into first and flooring it. I never drove her car again, and it’s just as well.

Ultimately, the driving lessons continued with my step dad’s and my sister’s vehicles, where I could safely grind gears without instilling a heart attack in my passengers. In fact, my sister’s truck was a bit of a broke down Mitsubishi mess, and starting from a stop light in first gear was entirely optional, as it happily started in whatever gear I’d last left it in. My step dad’s truck was a very nicely used model, and I was able to master the driving lessons with it without much fanfare. I’d never pegged my step dad as patient about much of anything before, so it was a nice surprise to learn that he was really great to go out with for driving practice.

As my 16th birthday approached, my mom decided to set some expectations with me about the possibility of a car. Though my two older sisters had gotten cars for their 16th birthdays, it just wasn’t in the cards for me, she hesitatingly told me. They just couldn’t afford it. I was sad, but understood, and she told me that they’d work out a way for me to use my step dad’s truck when I needed it.

The morning of my birthday, I was at Camp Woskowitcz with friends from my German class at school. We’d gone to a weekend German camp event, and were busy dawdling our way back home totally unaware that I had a surprise birthday party waiting for me back home. I got home to find all my friends hanging out and I immediately regretted passing up a shower in the sketchy camp shower in lieu of taking a long bath when I got home. We settled in for the celebration, and when I opened my gifts, my parents card was the last to be brought out. When I opened it, a key fell to the floor and it said that if I wanted to exercise my right to drive, I should go immediately to the door and open it. I expected my step dad’s truck, but what I found outside was a cherry red Chevy Camaro with a huge gold bow on it and my name printed on a banner. Though I don’t remember the exact year any longer, I think it was a mid-80s model and it screamed cool. I literally had a few of my friends crying and moaning that their parents were so lame to not get them such a car. To put it in perspective, my friend, A., was driving around in an ancient avocado green Oldsmobile inherited from her grandma and another friend, N., was driving her mom’s Lincoln (I think) when her mom wasn’t using the car.

It turned out that my step dad thought I was a pretty good kid, got great grades, and caused little trouble, so he decided I should get a great car. He found the Camaro, got a storage unit, and started fixing it up for me without telling my mom about it until three days before my birthday. He didn’t want her to accidently spill the beans.

I quickly dubbed my car Georgio Roman Armani (I know, I know), and as soon as I got my license I looked for any excuse to drive. Need milk? I’m on it. Something needs to go the post office? I’m your girl… I started driving to school and taking my friends to and from home, and we had a blast playing mix tapes and singing at the top of our lungs. That car was so much fun to drive, and it was fast. The real problem came when we realized it was a bit of a lemon. I had it in the shop several times for problems that turned out to be repeat offenders. Over time, the babysitting money and my income from the hair salon dwindled and my college fund was getting pretty depleted. I was loathe to admit it, but I needed a new car before I was broke, so I talked to my dad about it and asked whether we could trade it in for a reliable little Honda or something. At that point, I didn’t even care what it was as long as it wasn’t breaking down and costing me a small fortune.

One day, he took the keys to the Georgio and said he’d take it to get it checked out. When he got home, he tossed my key ring at me, but there was a strange new key on it. I bolted upright and ran to the door to find a red and black Eagle Talon. I ran around in joy. It was about 6 years old, but in overall really great condition and it had a Turbo button. You can bet I had a blast with that car, too. I never named the Talon, in part because Georgio and my friend’s car, Penelope, seemed to have so many problems that we thought naming might be bad juju.

The Talon lasted me through college and the first year out of school and in the real world. I was working as a teaching assistant at a local community college, and my new husband was trying to make ends meet before he started graduate school. Due to increasing maintenance costs, we decided to bite the bullet and get a new car. I found the Toyota ECHO in 2001, and bought it after one test drive. The only option on it is air conditioning, but it’s been the best little car for economy, room, and reliability. Maintenance is cheap. I literally get the oil changed a few times a year at ~$30 a pop, and have had the major services done as needed. It goes forever on one tank of gas. We got the four-door ECHO, since we thought we might have a family at some point and having the back doors would be handy. Of course, we all know that story never panned out, but I love the ECHO anyway since it was the first car I was ever able to buy for myself. It’s been through a lot of moves, and seen a few dings, but it was well worth the $14K I spent on it and then some, even if it’s not the most gutsy thing I’ve ever owned.

Which brings us to my 2011 MINI Cooper S Clubman. That is going to be one heck of a fun car. I feel like it kind of marries two sides of my personality: the side that is practical and responds to function, and the side that just wants to have a good, fun, fast ride and appreciates great design.

Vrrroooommmmm

2010-10-03T15:10:00.000-07:00

I finally dove in head first and bought a new car. Since being rear-ended by the school bus earlier this year and getting a rental car while my Toyota Echo was in the shop, I've been thinking about and researching a lot of options for a new vehicle. I've had my Echo for nearly 10 years now, and it's been (and still is) a fantastic car. We'll probably end up selling it, but we're toying around with the idea of just keeping it around as the vehicle we use to do more messy things like hardware trips, hauling stuff around, taking to places where we don't care if it gets banged up a bit or dirty.

After my research and mulling over options for the last several months, I picked the MINI Cooper S Clubman, and ordered a 2011 model. Last week, when my friend T. came for a visit, she handed over the driver's seat in her awesome MINI Cooper S and let me give it a whirl. I was instantly in love with the look, feel, and handling of her car and became quite serious about it as a possibility. This last week, I was busy on the Internet and hitting T. up with questions, and yesterday L. and I we went for a test drive of the Clubman model at Seattle MINI. Though I love everything about T.'s Cooper S, I felt that for our lifestyle having the club door on the Clubman would be helpful with getting our precious cargo, Oli, in and out of the backseat for trips to the groomer and visits with his doggy friends. I also liked that it had just a bit more room in the back, so we ultimately went with the Clubman.

I'm busy thinking of names for it now, and will be united with my car roughly around Thanksgiving if all goes according to plan with the manufacturing. I have to say that being able to custom order so many things on the car is amazingly fun. There was a little confusion with the customizing process since they are just lining up the options for the 2011 models and a couple of the things it looked like you could select on their configuration site weren't really options for the car when we went into the dealer. But those were very small details in an otherwise very flexible process, and I was happy to adjust a bit. L. was thankfully pretty quiet through it all and let me just ride with the process. We have very different strategies to buying cars, so it was nice to have him return the favor for me this time as I had done when we looked for his Audi a few years ago.

There's still a part of me that's pretty amazed I'm doing this, but the cost for the car came out right about the same as the Mazda, Honda, Toyota, Kia, and other crossover vehicles I was considering, and my MINI is designed by me! Plus, it has the backing of BMW, so how can you go wrong with that? And it's a total icon in the auto industry. So, it gets the gold star for those things. Plus, the feeling of driving a MINI is just so much fun. I couldn't help but smile the whole time we were at the dealership.

Dog toys

2010-09-28T18:58:00.000-07:00

Oli destroys pretty much any stuffed toy we bring into the house. If it has eyes, a nose, or appendages, you can guarantee that it won't last long in our household. When we first got Oli at 8 weeks old and brought him home, I got him a moose stuffed animal from West Paw Designs. We called this moose Maddie, and Oli dragged her around with him everywhere possible. It was by far his favorite toy. Maddie lasted a long time compared to his other toys. I think I finally had to put her in the garbage about 8 months ago (and Oli just turned 2 years old yesterday, to give you some perspective).

The other day, I was in Mud Bay Granary to pick up some food and a few new toys for Oli, and came across a penguin made by West Paw, so I picked it up. I gave it to Oli on Sunday night, and it's like he's been reunited with a long lost friend. He carries it everwhere with him, and when he's sitting on the couch, he's basically got some part of the toy resting in his mouth. Though the penguin had two funny eyes on it, Oli ate those right away, but the rest of the toy has fared pretty well despite that. Looks like West Paw has done it again!

Change of scenery

2010-08-31T23:09:00.000-07:00

I got a new job. I'm at the same company I've been with for almost 10 years, but I move around every so often into different groups. I feel like it keeps my technical skills sharper and helps me build a larger network to depend on. This new job will be a good challenge for me, and I'm excited about it although it came about due to some of my extreme sadness. Things on my old team just never really recovered after layoffs and some changes to the direction of the product we were working on. Add to that some some of undermining behavior by people who I was close with the last year, and I just had to move on. It was a good time to move anyway, but that just made things more imminent. Of course, it's always hard to leave good people behind, so I'll miss seeing my co-workers every day, but at least they're not too far away and like other teams, we'll keep in touch. Here's hoping that my new gig is every bit as cool as I think it's going to be, and even more!

Alphabet game

2010-08-24T10:56:00.000-07:00

Ever been stuck in the alphabet game while on a road trip? If so, looks like you need to take a detour to Wyoming.

I can't remember who sent me this, but I thought it was pretty great and had to share. Sorry about the lack of proper credit.

The Conservative Case for Gay Marriage

2010-08-11T03:17:00.000-07:00

As I was seeing and reading more about the overturn of Proposition 8 in California, I became curious about Ted Olson, the conservative who is pro gay marriage. I did some searching, and found this article (which appears to be attributed to him): http://www.newsweek.com/2010/01/08/the-conservative-case-for-gay-marriage.html.

I have to say that I've made the same arguments many times with family or friends who disagree with marriage being a right for all. In fact, a quick search through the politics tag on my blog contains a bunch of older entries on the subject. The most pointed argument I always made was that we live in a country that values (or should value, based on our past, anyway) a separation of church and state, so the very fact that a religious rite affords heterosexual couples anything under the law should be unconstitutional if it is not afforded to all equally. I find this whole prop 8 thing quite interesting, and I hope that by forcing the issue and overturning it, marriage equality will finally become a reality in our country. The following video features Ted Olson's argument with Chris Wallace on Fox News. Go Ted!

In a slightly related, but dumb side thought, I wonder if this means Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt will get married. I believe they once said that they would get married when marriage was a right offered to all.

Travis Wall contemporary dance on SYTYCD

2010-08-06T00:48:00.000-07:00

I absolutely connected with this performance from So You Think You Can Dance this week. It's Travis Wall choreography performed by contestant Kent Boyd and all-star Neil Haskell. Travis Wall always has the most touching and amazing choreography, and this particular one really got to a lot of people. I really felt everything in it, especially because I recently had a "friend" stab me in the back, and the pain is always so difficult to navigate. It just really touched me.

I am pulling for Kent to win it this season, although Lauren comes in as an incredibly close second. The only one I don't like at all is Robert. The judges fall all over themselves about how great he is, but I think he's such a dork, and boring. And whenever he has lifts in his routine, it always looks like he's going to dump his partner on the floor. He just doesn't seem strong enough or very grounded in his dancing. It bugs me. I hope that he doesn't win it.

I'm thankful for...

2010-07-11T22:21:00.000-07:00

Xanax right now. Anxiety, go away!

Pretty

2010-06-25T21:47:00.000-07:00

This rocks!

Can we just move on, please?

2010-06-14T19:44:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure why news like this is supposed to be so shocking. The Kennedy brothers were hanging out with Marilyn Monroe, and it's not as though JFK hasn't been suspected to have an affair with her. Politicians are people, too. They enjoy sex, and some are kinkier than others. Big f'ing deal. Personally, I don't think it's a huge deal. Marilyn Monroe was hot, and whatever they did or did not do with her is their business. It's one thing if a politician is talking out one side of his/her face about marriage rights and so-called upholding moral behavior and this kind of thing comes out...it's another when people just kind of accept that human sexuality is varied and a personal decision (and right to consent) for each person involved, and just go about their lives while fighting for human rights thoughout their careers.

Thanks for sticking to your guns

2010-06-10T00:07:00.000-07:00

So, Elton John performed at Rush Limbaugh's wedding reception for a reported $1 million smackers. Way to send a message that you give a flying F about gay marriage. I'm not sure what's more perplexing: that Elton John agreed to perform at a wedding for a homophobic asshat who doesn't support marital rights for gay and lesbian couples, or that Rush Limbaugh hired such an openly flamboyant homosexual to perform at such a traditionally sacred event. Though, this was Limbaugh's fourth wedding, so that's quite an example for the sanctity of heterosexual marriage.

I used to think it would be kind of cool to see an Elton John show, but now I've got second thoughts. Deep in my heart, I'd hope that he'd donate some or all of the money to a good gay and lesbian cause. Unlikely, I know, but still... It's about the only thing that would make the whole thing cool instead of utterly disappointing.

Just what I needed

2010-06-01T19:30:00.000-07:00

I was rear-ended / rear-side swiped today on my way to work. By a school bus. In front of a school. While waiting for a line of parents to drop off their kids at said school.

The bus driver was turning out of the school's exit driveway, and I guess she thought that she'd drive down the center of the road over a double-yellow line to pass everyone who was turning or waiting for those who were turning (like me). Apparently thought she was not subject to the same physical parameters that applied to the rest of us drivers and pedestrians on the road this morning. I am fine, aside from a slight lower back twinge from tensing up so suddenly. Ice and Alleve have helped a lot today. My car looked worse for wear than the bus. No kids on board, thankfully.

The bus driver wasn't the sharpest tool in the shed, so I'm hoping that amongst all the paperwork we had to fill out, we got the right stuff logged. Their insurance company was rather hands off on it this morning when I called. I guess the driver has 24 hours to report the incident, at which point I'll hear what next steps to take and *I* should call *them* back tomorrow sometime. Good thing time is not of the essence!

The Bell Jar

2010-05-24T14:17:00.000-07:00

I just finished reading The Bell Jar by Synthia Plath. It was on my to-read list for many years, but I'd never actually borrowed or bought the book, so had not yet read it. Awhile back, I'd mentioned to L. several books (of many) that I wanted to read, and he picked it up for me at Christmas along with Push by Sapphire, which I still need to read. Talk about uplifting, but I'm all about sad stories and sad songs!

Truth be told, I was quite nervous about reading it. With my recent spiral back down into the depths of depression and the subsequent rope that saved me from reaching rock bottom, I wasn't sure whether reading something of this nature would turn out to be good or bad for my mental state. But I eventually figured that now was as good a time as any, and picked it up a few nights ago. I found it to be very entertaining and real, and I really connected with the Esther as a character (who was based on Plath and her own experience as a young woman).

I think one of the most interesting things was the lack of a seemingly compelling event to trigger Esther's depression. There were certainly things that were upsetting along the way, but overall there were a lot of things going for her and from the outside looking in, it doesn't seem like any one thing or even a combo of them would cause her to become depressed and eventually suicidal, prompting her to be taken in for shock therapy and later an asylum.

I can certainly relate to some of that, though thankfully my antidepressant is doing the work that shock therapy and other unsavory methods used to provide. I always think that my depression should be directly attributable to something, like a virus causing the common cold. I think this is the main reason that outsiders always want you to just snap out of it because most things in life have an identifiable cause. But the more I start to unravel my thoughts, I can come up with a number of upsetting things that are usually balanced or even outnumbered by positive things. So, why be depressed? I'm really a pretty positive person for the most part, which makes it even that much harder to deal with at times because you intrinsically know what you "should" be thinking and feeling. Esther struggles with that in The Bell Jar, too...that feeling of "if I were my normal self, I would be doing A and B and C."

Esther's descent did happen around the same age as the first time I was diagnosed with depression, as were several of my friends in college, and I recall being very uncertain about my future as well as putting inordinate amounts of stock in my academic achievements, financial independence, relationship status, and preparedness for the outside world. When I compare those circumstances with the circumstances I faced most recently, I think there are some parallels, although the specifics have changed. Within the last couple of years, I moved into a position of relative stability with my husband at a time when the economy took a severe nosedive and nothing seemed certain anymore. All the conventional wisdom went out the door when we discovered that our investments (retirement and property - not typically such violent bets) were suddenly plummeting and we watched our family and friends get laid off from good jobs, and remain unemployed for untold amounts of time. At the same time we knew everything we'd built was predicated on our status quo and gainful employment, and even a small upset in that balance would cause large aftershocks. So, we kept going to be responsible and half-heartedly jump at the proverbial carrot on the stick. I mean, where else are we going to go? We bought into the American Dream hook, line, and sinker.

All of this is scary in normal times, but we all know the last few years have been anything but "normal" - more on that in a second. And after L. surviving several rounds of layoffs at his company, and me surviving several at my company, you take on all the extra work and wonder how you're going to make it in the long term. Will things ever be "normal" again? Will they ever bring back people to take on the extra work when times are good, or have we proven that two heads aren't really better than one? I guess time will tell.

Anyway, I guess I now know what it means both to be in the bell jar, and also to be in a golden cage. I suppose as a career woman, I can look forward to hitting the glass ceiling at some point, too. I can't really put my finger on it, but I don't really think this is the way we're supposed to be living, although I'm not sure the alternatives seem that great either. It's not as though I'm going to go live in the brush with an African tribe or something. We live in an age of enormous knowledge and innovation, and yet I can't help but look around me and think that roughly half the people I come in contact with are either willfully or unknowingly stupid. I'm shocked at how many people devalue education and are proud to not have any higher education. Not that the school of life is bereft of lessons to teach people, but to be a well-rounded individual, you should have both if at all possible.

When I think about the possibility of having children, it pains me to think that this is the world we're leaving them. I guess the one comfort I can take from The Bell Jar, even knowing Plath's own tragic ending, is that maybe this time is not so much abnormal as it is part of a historical, human cycle, which is only a new concept for me insomuch as I am living it now as an adult rather than viewing it as an adolescent or a child. And if I can take that information away with me, and really live well within my means (or even better, well under my means), then L. and I can withstand the next storm, and the next storm, and the next. That's my hope anyway.

Of course, having recently finished Bill Bryson's A Short History of Nearly Everything, I realize that we're probably just as close to cosmic annihilation via an asteroid or a complete failure of our planet to sustain life due to the stresses and impact we place on it. Although I find such outcomes quite terrible, there is something fascinating in knowing that we have a long ways to go and will never conquer everything - not even close. Life is truly a mystery, and that will never change.

Badass

2010-05-21T22:46:00.000-07:00

The interactive Google Pac-man logo today is so badass. I used to love playing Pac-man at the arcade when I was a kid. What a fun and inventive idea.

Update
So, the other cool thing is that if you hit Insert Coin twice, you get both Pac-man and Mrs. Pac-man characters. I had figured that out yesterday, but couldn't figure out what combo of keys to use to make her work (just a like a woman, snicker snicker). Anyway, as L. and I sat here today, he pulled it up and figured out that a+w+s+d keys make her work, so away we went. We got to level 3 together before biting the cyber dust.

Update Update
L. has informed me that it's "Ms. Pac-man" not "Mrs. Pac-man" as I had written above. Although I am able to edit that freely on the interwebs, I find it amusing that my husband knows all the ins-and-outs of the Pac-man saga off the top of his noggin, and figured I'd share that little nugget with y'all.

Update Update Update
I'm now informed that L.'s favorite game was Ms. Pac-man, so I seem to be live blogging this conversation now. I guess it's a good thing that I look like a yellow circle with a bow on the top of my head or he'd never have fallen for me :-)

Can't get enough

2010-04-30T23:54:00.000-07:00

I simply cannot get enough of this song right now. I love the whole album, and have been listening to it for some time now since it came out last year, but this song, Two Weeks from Grizzly Bear, is just like an anthem for me right now. How great are these lyrics: Would you always...maybe sometimes...make it easy...Take your time.

Now, I'll admit that the video turned me off initially, but it does get more interesting toward the end. When their faces get weird, it kind of reminds me of the video for Soundgarden's Black Hole Sun.

P.S. Sorry about the funky centering of the video in the frame - no matter what I tried, I couldn't get it centered right in such a small area on the blog, but I have an idea it has something do do with the ratio for the HD video. If you're so inclined, you can click on it to watch it directly on YouTube. Otherwise, just enjoy the tune.

Working things out

2010-04-25T22:10:00.000-07:00

So, I'm happy to report that I'm feeling mildly better. While that might not sound like a lot, it is when you feel like you've got a mountain to climb and don't even feel like getting out of bed. I got through the tough week at work last week, and I'm hoping that it's the last part of the proverbial band-aid being pulled off in that department. Sure, things are going to continue being tough, but I'm hopeful that the most emotionally difficult situations are over for the foreseeable future.

I spent most of Friday doing some planning and budgeting work, and making a list of the bazillion things I'm now responsible for and need to do over the next month. While a bit overwhelming, it helps me to have the checklist of things to cross off as I complete each task. This will be especially important now that I'm the only person on my "team." How do you like them apples?

This weekend was pretty low key. I rested up due to the cold that's still making it's way out of my system. The antibiotics are helping, so I'm sure it's just a matter of time until I'm back to 100% on that front.

I spent Saturday sleeping in, and then literally laying on the couch the entire day watching TV and movies. I got hooked on an L.A. Ink moronathon, which was pretty entertaining and made me think about getting my own tattoo touched up at some point or maybe getting a new one at some point. But, I'm kind of averse to getting something like that while I'm in the middle of a personal crisis. L. and I watched the movie, Pirate Radio, which was a fun flick and had that happy ending that we all wish for. Plus the soundtrack was bitchin', even if the movie focused on the period of 1966 but the music included tunes from years later.

Sunday, L. and I slept in again and then we got to work on the yard. The weeds have really taken over some areas, so it's slow going to get them all and try to make sure they don't return. There's still plenty to do, but it will have to wait for another day. Here's hoping the coming week has some peace and that I'm able to get some good work done.

Aha

2010-04-21T20:44:00.000-07:00

So, I had my doctor's appointment yesterday afternoon. The nurse and my doctor were really great about everything, and that's always good when you're prone to crying at the drop of a hat. The doctor put me back on an antidepressant I used in the past, and gave me a prescription for an anti-anxiety medication to use as needed also. While I was there, she asked about my cold and symptoms and figured out that I've got a bad sinus infection going on, so I started antibiotics as well. Lots of stuff to combat the issues going on right now.

L. has also been especially loving and supportive, which is really helpful. I'm thankful to have someone in my life who tries to understand as best he can and help me when I need it. Hopefully I'll be able to cope better with things soon.

Weekend recap

2010-04-18T21:45:00.000-07:00

Well, I'm still getting over the gunk from this cold that started mid-week, so I didn't get nearly as much done on my staycation as I'd have liked. For instance, I didn't get around to cleaning out my closet and putting random piles of things away. It's OK. I can get to those next weekend, perhaps.

What I did get done this weekend was pretty good considering that I was basically coughing up my lungs for most of it. Yesterday, I spent a couple of hours out in the yard weeding until it started pouring rain. I picked up the rest of the weeding of that area today and had it done in a few hours. It looks much better now, and I put down some Preen, so hopefully that will help things from coming back, although one of the weed types had these little needles that flew everywhere the minute you touched the plant. So, we'll see how that goes. I may need to do a second round if those seeds take root. The rest of the yard still needs a lot of work, but one area at a time. It felt really good to be outside today in the sun, listening to my iPod. L. went up to the sale property to mow the lawn there and work on the dandelion situation at that place.

I also vacuumed the downstairs and steam cleaned the carpets. I find carpet cleaning so rewarding. The stuff that it gets out of the carpets is nothing short of amazing, and I think it will help with my allergies to have addressed that stuff. Someday we'll have laminate floors or something like that down here, but all in good time. I cleaned out the refrigerator, and gave it a good scrubbing so that we could pack in the groceries from our big grocery shopping trip tonight. We got lots of good, healthy food for the week, so now we just have to follow through and actually cook this week! But I think that eating better will really help me feel better about things in general, and it's better for me anyway. We got all the laundry done, and beds all made up with fresh linens.

So, I feel like I can go back to work tomorrow and at least have gotten some things done around the house to make things better. Due to a mix up with the receptionist at my doctor's office, it sounds like my appointment won't be until Tuesday now. I'll call in the morning and confirm whether it's tomorrow or Tuesday. Oli also goes in for a haircut on Tuesday. He's really furry and looking like a little black mop.

I know this next week is going to be really difficult with work, so I'm just trying to have as positive an outlook as I can, and will try to remind myself to continue taking things one issue at a time.

And so there it is

2010-04-16T00:02:00.000-07:00

Well, I tried. I've been off antidepressants for nearly two years now, but unfortunately I think I need them again. I suppose it's better this time, in that I can see the signs and try to address things earlier than the first time I needed them. I don't think I'll need to be on them endlessly, but there are certainly enough things going on right now to where the depression is setting in and I am getting panic attacks again. L. and I have been working on reducing the level of stress and figuring out how to be happier on an every day basis, but it's not enough for me.

Depression and anxiety are no fun, and I feel weak for resorting to antidepressants, but I know that the alternative is worse and staying in bed all day isn't going to make anything better. I've taken this week off to try and relax and do things that I enjoy so as not to focus on all of the other stuff, but it's not really helping. I finally called the doctor's office this afternoon in a fit of tears to make an appointment to go back on antidepressants, and the receptionist was so nice about it all, which seemed to make me cry more. After I got off the phone, I felt better because I know that it's a positive step for my mental health and being able to cope with all the pressure and sadness, but I honestly thought that I wouldn't ever need them again. I guess I was wrong.

I think the worst part is just how everyone else reacts to it, which I suppose shouldn't matter, but sometimes it does. If you've never dealt with depression and panic attacks, it can look pretty ridiculous and make you think that the person just needs to pick themselves up and stop being a baby about everything. But those of us who have gone through it know that it's a much harder, insidious thing to battle and it's not just a matter of picking ourselves up by the bootstraps and getting on with things. I literally feel like the life drains out of me and I have no energy for anything. I drag myself out of bed as much as possible and try to maintain a normal life, and there are moments where things feel "normal" before it all crashes again. And unfortunately, I've noticed that the crashes are lasting longer and longer, and the normal parts are becoming less and less as time goes on.

I'm proud that I survived the last couple of years without antidepressants. I had a lot of pressure with the new house, moving in with L., getting married, honeymoon, illness, and death of several family members and friends. But we just haven't really gotten a break, and even though I pledged that 2010 was going to be far better than 2009, I'm just not seeing a huge change. I can't really continue ignoring the fact that I have to force myself to do absolutely anything other than hide out at home and eat crappy comfort food. Even the last few things I've done with friends, while fun and I think definitely part of my regular "normal" life, have been work and left me feeling drained instead of energized. Today I found myself absolutely devastated about going back to work on Monday and had a panic attack, at which point I called the doctor's office knowing that I can't continue like this.

L. is supportive. I broke the news to him tonight, and he tries to be understanding. It's hard for him to really understand because while he may have faced situational depression and difficulty in his life, he's not had the chemical unbalance I'm facing right now and unable to get a handle on. And, of course, he has the added issue of coming from a family where this kind of thing is definitely seen as unacceptable. What they don't get is that I'd give nearly anything to not feel this way.

I know that the things we're facing and struggling with are parts of life, and that we'll have ups and downs. I can certainly accept that. I just can't accept the toll it's taking on me, especially when I have to keep up my end of the bargain. I know that finding something more fulfilling in my life would help, but I don't have the extra energy to even take a step in that direction right now, so I know that I need the additional help. And so there it is. I hope that this help will give me the energy I need to make the necessary changes to lead a more fulfilling life, and in turn help me to wean myself off of the antidepressants again at some point. I do think that ultimately this will be a bit of a dance throughout life with medications, but I hope that I can find ways to reduce my need for them in other ways and only use them at points like this where I'm at the end of my rope. Here's hoping.

San Juan Island

2010-04-14T21:58:00.000-07:00

So, for the past few weeks, things have been a bit tough in general, and mid way through last week I decided to take this week off. I just felt like I needed some time away from work to think about some things and figure out how to deal. Of course, I decided to check my email today and got another little surprise, so I had a moment of freaking out and then decided to just let it go. I think that I try to take too much responsibility for some things, and even though I am a lead, there are things that I just have no control over and things that I just need to be able to step back from. It's hard to do that being the kind of person I am and having the kind of job I have, but it's true. And for my own health and sanity, I'm trying my hardest to figure this out lest I fall back into depression or just lose my mind entirely.

One of the things I had to look forward to this week was a trip to Friday Harbor with my friend, A., who was visiting from London. We left Monday morning for Anacortes to catch the ferry to Friday Harbor, and when we landed we checked in at our hotel, Friday Harbor House. It was a nice room, and we each had our own bed in addition to a great view, jacuzzi tub, and comfy chairs. We dropped off our stuff, and walked around the town, which is really cheery and friendly. We stopped in some shops and had nice conversations with everyone around. We then headed to Mi Casita for a great Mexican dinner and drinks, before heading back to watch the movie, The Illusionist and turning in for the night. Then yesterday, we got up and drove all around the island checking out the sights. We did walking tours of both the American Camp and British Camp, and saw deer and foxes. One fox was so close at American Camp that I got some really good pictures of him. We also looked for whales at Lime Kiln park. We could hear some activity in the water, and every once in awhile we'd see something poke up, but we couldn't really tell what it was for sure. I don't think it was orcas, since I think we'd have seen the dorsal fin. But it was possibly some other kind of whale or porpoise, and it was so nice to stand there in the sun looking out at the beauty of nature. I feel so lucky to live in such a beautiful part of the country, and be within driving distance of such amazing places.

We headed back yesterday afternoon and A. headed off to visit her next friend on the visit. It was a great time with one of my best friends, and really helped to have someone to talk to about things and lighten my load. I woke up this morning with a cold, so I took it easy today and will break out the Nyquil tonight. I'm hoping to feel well enough tomorrow to do some work out in the yard. I feel like my ultimate thing right now is to reconnect with nature and basics, and focus on simplicity rather than drama.

And hopefully next week when I go back into work, I will be more rested and have more perspective on things than before this mini break.

Weirdorama

2010-04-11T13:53:00.000-07:00

Last night, I went to the Tiesto concert at Wamu Theater with my friend (I'll call her LL here to differentiate from husband L.), while the hubby went to the Spoon concert at The Moore. L. took me to Paul van Dyk at the Showbox Sodo in February, and it was probably a fatal mistep for him in that I then discovered that Tiesto was coming in April, and at Tiesto I have now discovered that Armin van Buuren is coming in May. It's become quite the parade of big-name Eurpean DJs coming through our little Sea-town, and it has renewed my fervor for techno music. This is in addition to L.'s taking me to club Rain at the Palms in Vegas last year on our anniversary so that I could see Paul Oakenfold's resident show, although Paul was unfortunately gone the night we were there.

In any case, I'm digging the techno scene again and getting back into the groove. I almost didn't end up going to Tiesto because I couldn't find someone that into techno to go with me, but my friend LL gave up the chance to see Jonsi (from Sigur Ros) to accompany me, and man! Am I ever glad that she did!!! I feel like I must have been in a parallel universe or something last night. It was definitely a diverse crowd of people, and I found the people-watching bit as entertaining as the music. I think because Tiesto's latest album featured some more indie vocalists (Tegan and Sara, Emily Haines, Jonsi, Kele Okereke, etc), it brought out quite a variety of people, and it was definitely different than the PvD crowd from February. Kaleidoscope (Tiesto's latest masterpiece) obviously mixed some great elements to get all these people in a room together.

LL and I showed up about 9:30 during local DJ Johnny Monsoon's opening, and like his opening at the PvD show, I kept thinking I should check him out aside from this huge events. We got into the beer garden and promptly waited in an inordinately long line for a beer. Let's put it this way - we each only had one beer for fear of being stuck in that line again.

We then made our way over to the front of the beer garden and stood along the fenced area to watch the show. This area was front row seating for a walkway, through which we saw some of the craziest outfits and people. You had your frat boys and trampily-dressed girls, of course, as well as the guys who like to wear light sticks and do some crazy cracked-out dancing. One group of guys was so amazing with the dancing - they were a treat to watch. You also had girls who showed up in all out lingere and one girl who must have thought it was Halloween because she was wearing a German beer maid costume. I do believe the kicker was a girl who showed up in a neon orange, lace binini and stilletos with a mini bunny/mouse ear headband. She was definitely in strong competition with the girl who wore a corset and tiny white mini skirt that lit up and white go-go boots. I think the craziest man costume was a tiny older Asian man with lowcut black leather pants and what could only be an orange, polyesther shirt with a V-cut down to his you-know-where; this particular gent challenged walkers-by to push up contests while his pants threatened to match the dreaded plumber butt syndrome. LL and I watched all of this with glee and poked each other when another crazy outfit paraded by.

So, imagine my surprise as I'm enjoying all of this and some random guy walks by and tries his hardest to make me smile. He then saunters up with two drinks, offers me one (which I politely declined), and introduces his friends. Let's just say that I in no way thought I'd be hit on last night. I wore tennis shoes, jeans, a cute top, minimal makeup, and my glasses. I was in an entirely different league than most of the attendees, and just wanted to go listen to great music and have a fun time with a friend. So, I was a bit unprepared. But once I wove the ring-finger around a bit and mentioned the husband, the conversation turned decidely pleasant and I uncovered that he is also a geek, so we talked for awhile about his job as an engineer and mine as a technical writer. His friends were goofy and funny, and LL and I turned what could have been a very crazy situation into something low-key and fun.

Then LL and I headed off to the bathroom before deciding to make our way into the dance pit. As I was walking out of the bathroom, some random guy grabbed me and started to dance, which was bizarre. I backed up and was like, "no thanks", to which he seemed pretty dejected, so I gave him a quick hug and told him that I was probably closer to being his mom than a dance partner, and walked away. Also, someone grabbed my butt.

Now, these kinds of things don't happen to me every day, and it cracks me up because I think about all the years I spent getting all dolled up to go out, advertising the merchandise, teetering around on heels like some of the girls last night, and hoping to have some male attention. Sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn't. But I can't tell you the number of times this kind of phenomenon has happened during both my marriages. I don't get men. It's the weirdest thing to me, and I can't figure out why it happens, but I guess it's nice to know that I'm not as old or unattractive as I might otherwise think I am. Not that I spend a bunch of time worrying too much about it, and I'm married now so my most important critic is L. and he seems to love me the way I am. But still, it's nice to have that feeling every once in awhile to know that you've still got it :)

Wii be fit

2010-04-07T20:33:00.000-07:00

Can I just say how much I love the Wii Fit Plus? L. and I were over at my parent's house a little over a week ago for my family birthday party, and they had just gotten the Wii Fit Plus. We gave it a try and had a blast. So, we went out the next day and acquired the necessary equipment. We promptly created our Miis - they're so cute! We've been loving the workouts, and I like that we do it together. They're fun and some more challenging than others. I like the variety, and it's nice that there's a mix of serious training for the yoga and strength exercises, and random fun stuff for the aerobics and balance exercises. Tonight L. and I both achieved the same Wii fit age, one year younger than I currently am :)

I've been perusing Amazon to see what other games we can use with the Balance Board, and keep things fun and challenging. It looks like there are many games that just use the regular controller and the nunchuck, too, so there are lots of options. I can't believe we didn't get one of these before!!!

Also, as a nod to my youth, I picked up the Super Mario Bros Wii game. I never had a Nintendo growing up. In our family, we always had the underdog things, like Beta and Sega, so I only ever got to play Mario when I went to a friend's house or the like. Last night I got through the first round and beat Bowser in the first castle. It's so much fun, and with the addition of things like Yoshi and other characters later on (which I had never played with before), it's really a trip. Here I am, a 32 year old woman, loving video games again. Well done Nintendo - the Wii is both fun and active!

Why does it still kill me...

2010-04-02T21:29:00.000-07:00

...when family or friends "friend" my ex-husband on social sites? I dunno. It probably shouldn't, but it still hits me in a weird place. I hate that feeling. Maybe because he walked out on it all and I don't feel that it's fair for him to come back to the people and life he left behind. Oh well. I'll just keep it to myself and this here blog entry.

That about sums it up

2010-03-31T00:40:00.000-07:00

This is fantastic:

Thanks Stranger Slog for finding such gems.

Vintage videos with helpful advice about what to do (and not do) during your period

2010-03-26T20:15:00.000-07:00

These videos crack me up, although I personally think the second one is better. I especially love the advice about not swimming the first few days of your period because you might get chills and catch cold (first video), or the advice to dry your hair quickly, dress nicely, and avoid strenuous exercise (second video). "Pay more attention to your hair and nails, and plan to wear your prettiest dress," around minute 5 in the second video. Oh yes, that surely has something to do with menstruation!

Also, who changes their pad 6 times a day? That seems a bit excessive. Maybe the absorbancy and quality of pads was different back then or something. Thank goodness they got rid of those sanitary napkin belts. I'll never forget finding a really old box of pads in my grandma's closet one summer and being entirely perplexed as she explained the old system to me.

I especially love how everyone glosses over the part about cramps. In the first video, Molly only alludes to feeling a bit strange, but her mother just offers to have a mother/daughter conference night. Oooh, wheee! That will help with the pain I'm having from my uterus cramping! Thanks mom! And the dialog about referring to it as "the curse" is pretty funny, too. All I know, is that based on the way the female reproductive cycle and birth are constructed, God is a man.

Oddly entertaining

2010-03-21T19:17:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure what to say about this. It's weird and oddly entertaining.

Laugh laugh laugh

2010-03-09T20:30:00.001-08:00

This lifted my mood tonight:

Music video meets Rube Goldberg machine

2010-03-07T23:50:00.000-08:00

OK Go does some really great music as well as videos to accompany them. Their latest is a giant Rube Goldberg machine, which looks like a pretty wicked difficult set to put together. Read the background here.

From the same guys who brought us the music video gem on treadmills. I love this Lego tribute.

Oscars

2010-03-07T23:43:00.000-08:00

I watched the Academy Awards tonight, even though I hadn't really planned on it in advance. I ended up getting my new computer delivered this week, so I was sitting downstairs working on getting things setup the way I want them, and moving things off of my old machine. In the process, I started the awards show and realized that I had not seen one movie up for an award.

I used to watch a lot of movies, and had a pretty healthy relationship with Blockbuster every weekend up until a few years ago. I don't really know what's happened in recent years, but the mainstream movies seem so blah to me anymore, and if I watch anything it's usually something on the Sundance channel. So, I didn't have any stake in the game this year while watching, although I was kind of pulling for Precious mostly because I think the story is pretty amazing and it would have been a big departure for the academy. In the end, I was pretty choked up by Sandra Bullock's acceptance speech for The Blind Side, and was happy to see a woman finally bring home the Oscar for best director (Bigelow for The Hurt Locker).

And throughout the broadcast, I took notes about some films that I would like to check out after being introducted to them tonight:
Paris 36
The Young Victoria
Logorama
An Education
A Single Man
Up in the Air (which I did want to see before, but hadn't yet gotten around to)
Food Inc (also wanted to see after an Oprah feature on this, but hadn't yet gotten around to either)
The Cove
The Most Dangerous Man in America

The crazy thing is that I found myself shedding a few tears at different moments, which was completely unexpected. The John Hughes montage was really touching. Seeing clips from all his films reminded me of how much an impact his work had on my upbringing. They're the movies that I still love to watch today. The In Memory section was pretty emotional, especially since they started out with Patrick Swayze, and had a section in there about Brittany Murphy and Natasha Richardson. They all died too young. Then I shed a tear at Bullock's acceptance speech. I must be PMS-ing.

I can relate...kind of

2010-02-28T20:21:00.000-08:00

First case of popcorn lung outside of factory workers. Poor guy... I can relate to the love of popcorn, although I have an old-fashioned air popper and tend to indulge mostly on weekends or at the movies. I'm not quite into the heavy usage category this guy qualified for.

Best section:

Rose, who has consulted with the popcorn and flavoring industry for the past four years, was surprised to see in the Centennial man's lungs some of what she saw among factory workers.

"So I turned to him and apologized and said, 'This is a really weird question, ... but are you around a lot of popcorn?' His jaw dropped, and he said, 'How did you know to ask me that? I am popcorn."'

"He described himself as a two-pack-a-day user. Sometimes more," Rose said. "He bought it in cases."

Originally saw this on The Old New Thing.

YES!!!

2010-02-28T14:21:00.000-08:00

Exactly!!! Although, I don't think people against health care reform really give a flying F about the lower class and whether they'd be able to afford anything related to health care (or anything else for that matter) anyway.

Reposted from perpetual self-check. As he mentions, longer version here.

Exactly

2010-02-26T23:11:00.001-08:00

This is exactly the kind of stuff I was skeptical about when I wrote an earlier post about The Biggest Loser.

A good read

2010-02-26T21:35:00.000-08:00

Oh, Kurt Vonnegut...what an interesting life. The Paris Review Interviews of Kurt Vonnegut. I agree with the laughter behind a grand exit into the coat closet.

Financial crisis

2010-02-13T00:51:00.000-08:00

Not sure how old this is, but it cracked me up. Poor Andre!

Stroke of luck

2010-02-06T18:17:00.001-08:00

Today, L. and I ventured to the Bellevue mall so that I could look for a new swimsuit. The one I've been using the past couple of weeks doesn't fit real well, and there's nothing like wearing an ill-fitting piece of spandex to make you realize that maybe you should just cough up a few bucks for something that fits properly and doesn't make you want to duck back into the locker room immediately. I think the suit I've been using dates back about 10 years now, so it was time.

I actually intended to look at Macys, but we parked by the JC Penney and I figured we could look there first. Lo and behold, they had a whole section of swimsuits, and some of them were pretty cute and came in my size. I found about 10 different ones to try on, and made my way to the dressing room while L. found a chair to wait in. I think we were secretly both worried that this trip was not going to end well. If there are two things women really hate shopping for, it's swimsuits and jeans.

Anyway, I went in and had a good chuckle over a few of them. These clothing makers have no idea how much fabric it actually takes to keep in the girls for a rather well-endowed woman as myself. In the end, I came out with three suits that fit properly and were cute! L. and I both sighed in relief and went to the counter. We didn't end up needing to go to Macys, I didn't complain about my weight, and I didn't come home depressed and empty-handed. All in all, it was a pretty good experience.

Blame inflation

2010-02-06T18:13:00.000-08:00

Today as L. and I were walking out of the Bellevue mall, we were asked by a seemingly normal, older gentleman if we could spare $10. Not "change" or "a buck" like most people begging for money, but $10. Guess inflation has really affected everyone... Sheesh!

Remembering Rod

2010-01-29T23:15:00.000-08:00

Earlier this morning, our good family friend, Rod, passed away. My dad (on the left) and Rod (on the right) met during the Vietnam war, when they both served in the Army and were stationed in Japan. I heard lots of stories about that time in their lives, because Rod moved in with my dad and mom when I was a little girl. He had fallen on hard times, and they took him in. I have such great memories of him. He was the kind of guy who treated everyone equally, was honest, and treated me like a person and not just some kid. And he was so smart. He read so many books, and taught me so many things. I'll never forget him explaining how lightening and thunder happen, or even teaching me about his struggle with diabetes.

He was part of our lives on and off. After my parents divorced, we didn't see him for awhile. I later came to understand that he was upset by their split and didn't want to choose sides, knowing that my dad was making a huge mistake, and yet being unable to change the outcome. Rod loved my mom a lot, too, and it was hard for him to see the happy family he'd known and lived with come to an end. It wasn't until some years later that my dad found him again, living in some crappy apartment in Seattle, and then recently in a crummy motel before needing to go to a nursing home for 24-hour care. He never had a lot, but didn't seem to care. Never got married (wasn't the marrying kind, he said) and never had kids.

A couple of months ago after we'd reconnected, he mentioned that he'd like to see my mom. So, she and I went to visit him at the home and they finally got the chance to talk though the hurt that happened all those years ago. Turns out that my mom was frustrated with Rod at the time for not trying to do more to convince my dad to stay, and that Rod just knew it wouldn't make a difference at that point and was sad to see it end but felt guilt over not doing more. She was able to ease his guilt and sadness by explaining that she's gone on to have a good life with my step dad and that things happened the way they should have. She understands now that nothing Rod could have said or done would have changed my dad's choices at that time. And he got to know that she was no longer upset with him about that. So, there was some closure there.

It wasn't diabetes that claimed Rod's life. It was surely a complication, but not the whole story. He was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and outlived his oncologist's expectations by over a year. L. and dad and I spent Christmas Eve with him, and were visiting him at his nursing home a lot toward the end. A couple of weeks ago he went to the VA hospital with pneumonia, and unfortunately due to my having a cold, I could not visit. Again, I didn't make it in time. I planned to see him this weekend with my dad so that I could say goodbye because it seemed that he had really taken a turn downhill.

I suppose that in some ways it might be better to remember him as I do. Christmas Eve. Outback Steakhouse. Love and companionship and good memories of other times and places. The promise of getting together again.

But, it doesn't feel better. I didn't make it again. Again.

Swimming

2010-01-26T19:26:00.000-08:00

Tonight after work, I went to the Pro Club and swam laps. It felt good. I alternated between the butterfly, breast, and back strokes. When I was a kid, I LOVED to swim, and even after a full day of working on my grandparent's farm, we'd still all dive in to cool off and swim, swim, swim the evening away.

I was a little apprehensive about 1) being in a swimsuit in front of people (at a health club, no less) and 2) the etiquette involved in sharing a lane with someone. Luckily, they had a sign at each lane explaining how to warn another person in the lane that you're entering, etc. And I just had to get over myself about being in a swimsuit. In front of people. A lot of healthy-looking people. At a gym.

So, I managed 20 minutes straight of alternating the strokes before things started to get a little busy. So, I hopped out of the lane to give others a chance. But it was a good start, and if I can leave about 15 minutes earlier next time, I should be able to get in a full 1/2 hour before it starts getting full.

The nice thing about swimming is that it's easier on my joints, such as my elbows and knees, than some of the other activities I've tried like weight lifting and running. I think once I lose a bit more weight, those other activities will be easier for me to do again without injuring myself. But swimming will be a good low impact, yet challenging way to get my endurance back and lose some of the weight I've gained.

You know what?

2010-01-15T22:58:00.001-08:00

I can't stop listening to that song, Set the Fire to the Third Bar by Snow Patrol (featuring Martha Wainwright). I'm not a huge Snow Patrol fan, but this song has been featured on the Dear John movie trailer and I really connected with it. Of course, I love Rufus Wainwright, so it's neat to hear his sister, Martha, on this track. Good stuff, that.

Time machine

2010-01-12T22:14:00.001-08:00

Sometimes I really wish that I had a time machine so that I could go back in time and do things differently. But I suppose that would introduce that whole sunshine-of-the-spotless-mind thing where you wouldn't reap the benefits of what you learn along the way. Also, in related news, I wish that the economy would improve and that the real estate market would recover a bit.

That's it for the fantasy portion of today's entry. In other news, I'm down 7 pounds over the last couple of weeks. That's with doing South Beach diet (sort of) and taking the dog on a few extra walks. We haven't really started Phase 1 of South Beach, since we had some good carb foods around that I didn't have the heart to throw out. So, we've been working on eating better overall and not surprisingly, it's working. I cooked a couple of things last night and put everything in the fridge so that it's easy to grab something healthy instead of going through the drive through on the way home. And I've been much better about drawing the line between work and home life recently. It's still hard for me to not check my email a lot in the evenings, but I'm getting better. And I only had one late night last week. So, it's a start. Progress, not perfection.

I also watched the Biggest Loser tonight to see what it's all about. It was interesting when they had a segment where the female trainer had to eat food (read: junk) that one team was eating before starting the show. She gagged and spit it out, then talked about how awful it was and berated them for eating it in the first place, asking them how they could ever eat such stuff. I get her position, but it seemed to be more of the shaming behavior rather than an actual discussion about why they began to eat that way and why it continued. Truth is, there are probably many reasons they ended up eating that kind of "food" and shaming them about it isn't going to help. Addressing why they started eating that way, and why their bodies alter to crave and tolerate such foods would be a better tactic. Education, not shame. There's already enough shame with being overweight as it is.

From one episode, I can't really say whether their approach is that good or not. Surely it has helped many people, but I'm not sure how realistic it is. I could feel the pain of one contestant who weighed in tonight and had lost a few pounds this week, after having lost 17 pounds last week. She was so disappointed, and she looked so defeated as her trainer explained that her body would have to adjust. Someone should explain that losing 17 pounds in one week (or rather a significant amount of weight depending on someone's total weight to lose) is more common in the first week due to water loss and that it starts to balance out as you continue to move and eat better. That's why it's so easy to fall off the wagon when things start getting tough. You have big losses at first and then it starts to even out and become less and less. That happens even more frequently when you have less to lose. So some of the contestants will continue to lose huge amounts of weight because they have a much larger percentage of weight to lose and it will be easier until the difference between their ideal weight and current weight dwindles. I dunno. I'm not sure I'll continue to watch it, but I thought it might have some good information and be inspirational. We'll see...

Start your engines

2010-01-03T20:43:00.000-08:00

It's that time of year again when I start my New Year's resolution. Usually, my resolution has to do with making my ass smaller. This year, that is part of it, but my real resolution is to live my life with more balance. As I sit here the night before starting work again, I'm reminded of how nice this last week and a half was with my family and friends. I had time to take better care of myself, sleep until I felt rested, read books for fun, and (gasp!) go to a movie with L.

It could go without saying that I do not do those things when I'm in full swing at work. But I am saying it to remind myself that my life in 2009 was wwwwaaaayyy out of whack. And therein lies the problem. My career has led me to a degree of financial security that I have not previously had. However, my financial rewards come at a rather high cost to my personal time, health, and relationships with people I care about. While I always strive to overperform and deliver on my work commitments, everything else falls off the face of the earth and that's just not healthy.

I'm not entirely sure how I will be able to balance everything, but I know that I have to try and get things under better control than they were last year. Of course, I'm hopeful that 2010 will bring less family problems and death as well.

My goals to be in better balance are:
1. Eat more healthy, more often throughout the day. This includes cooking more meals at home and making better choices when I eat out. L. and I are starting up the South Beach Diet tomorrow, which is similar to, but not quite as strict as, what I did on 20/20. If I can get to a place where I do that even 3/4 of the year (allowing for inevitable setbacks, holidays, etc.), I would be a much healthier person than I am today. If I can get to even that level of accomplishment, I will be happy. I know that I need to eat more frequently throughout the day to keep cravings from creeping in, too.
2. Move my butt. I really hate exercising. Everyone says to find something that you like to do, but honestly I am really not an active person and finding something interesting that doesn't make me want to bash my head in after 5 minutes is pretty tough. Coming off of the fall where I started having some joint problems, early carpal tunnel signs, and tennis elbow, I've learned that I need to be a lot more careful with the kinds of exercise I do. For now, I figure if I can get in 2 days a week of good cardio, that will be a start. I'll alternate that with more walking each day. So, I'll look for a couple of good classes at Gold's Gym for the 2 days of cardio, and aim to walk Oli more frequently around the neighborhood on at least 2 other days of the week. It's a start. Of course, this will require me to get home at a decent hour to do said exercise, since exercising in the AM puts me into a day-long coma, and a longing to just go back to bed and pass out.
3. ...which leads me to #3: leave work at a decent hour. And when I work from home, shut the computer down at a decent hour. No more leaving the office at 11 PM, or conversing with members of my team at 2-3 AM. I'm not sure I'll ever be able to get everything done in just 40 hours a week, but if I could even get it down to 45-50 hours a week, I'd feel pretty good about that. Hopefully my reviews won't suffer too badly.
4. Make weekends a time for relaxation and doing things with family and friends. This is pretty straight forward, but I'd like to get my work done during the week and not have to work weekends whenever possible.
5. Get to sleep at an acceptable hour. No more rolling into bed at 2-3 AM. Part of this will rely on my getting work done and being able to let go of the things that are beyond my means. Prioritize, prioritize, prioritize.

So, that's it. One of the things I finally did was hire a house cleaner to come in twice a month. It's a luxury that is totally worth it, and I think we'll hire someone to come in this spring to do the initial yard cleanup also. Then we just have to do the maintenance.

Some other things we hope to do this year:
* Sell my condo. We're renting it out now along with L.'s properties, but it's a lot to keep it all going and is more stress than it's really worth.
* Replace the windows in the house. It will make the house more energy efficient, and needs to be done as a few windows have blown their seals now.
* Replace/repair the fence. I think some sections are bad enough at this point to just be replaced, but some could probably be repaired without too much trouble. We'll have to find a good person to come take a look and let us know.
* Remove the overgrown pine tree in the backyard. The tree makes a huge mess with pine needles, and it's situated in a horrible spot right in one corner of our fence and outgrowing the spot. I'd like to pull it out and put in something that is smaller and more suited to growing next to a fence.
* Read more for fun. Lately I've been reading books like crazy, and I've been having a blast getting into the stories and character development.

That's it. At least I have a year to work on it, and I know that I won't be perfect or make it happen all at once. But hopefully by 12/31/2010, I can say that I have things under better control and more balanced in a healthy way.

Happy New Year

2010-01-01T00:54:00.001-08:00

That is all...

New Year's Day radio show

2009-12-31T21:02:00.000-08:00

L. and I are working on our respective best of 2009 albums list for the Poptopia Parkway show tomorrow on New Year's Day. If you want to listen, we'll be on tomorrow from 8:30-10:30 PM on either 90.7 FM in Everett or streaming on the Web from KSER.org.

Goodbye 2009

2009-12-31T17:21:00.000-08:00

Well, 2009, we have about 6-1/2 hours left together. Although you aren't the worst year in my life, you've sure ranked right up there with some of the worst. Frankly, I'm happy to see you go. From the reports from many friends and family, I'm not the only one to feel such glee at your departure. Don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out. I see 2010 coming right around the corner now...

Happy holidays

2009-12-22T18:40:00.000-08:00

No, I haven't forgotten my username and password, or how to type. It's just been a difficult time recently, and (unusually for me) I didn't feel like writing about any of it. As I mentioned in my last post, we were going to visit L.'s dad for Thanksgiving. Unfortunately L.'s step mom, J., passed away the weekend before we made it down for a visit. So, we spent our time trying to help out however we could and grieved the loss.

It was a really quick trip, and when we got back I had to jump right back into work to prepare for the final release of our docs. Of course, this was right after lay offs affected our group, so we quickly felt the loss of those co-workers who were let go. That made it quite difficult both personally and professionally. But, we made it through and finally got some respite the last couple of weeks as the holidays approach.

I had a nice break recently with the visit of a friend from London, A. She stayed with us one evening and we spent the next day window-shopping together. I also visited my friend, V., to give her a Christmas gift and spent some time talking over the past year and how I want next year to be. I know that there will still be challenges, but I'm hoping for a more uneventful year. My New Year's resolution is to bring my life back into balance. It seems like I live in extremes for the most part, and finding a niche for everything that is important gets harder and harder as the years go on. I simply can't keep working such long hours and neglecting my personal life and health, so that's the balance I'll try to achieve.

L. and I are hosting the Christmas festivities this year. We're having my dad over on Christmas eve, but we plan to go out to eat instead of make anything here. Then on Christmas day, my mom's family will come, including my grandparents and both sisters and nieces and nephews. We're really looking forward to seeing everyone and making the Christmas dinner. We have the house all decorated, with lights on the outside and a beautiful Christmas tree in the living room, complete with wrapped packages beneath the boughs. The cleaner came yesterday to give the place a good once over, and we're ready to open our home to everyone. Despite the crappy year it's been, I'm determined to make Christmas one of the bright spots and enjoy some time off. My vacation has officially started, and I'm excited to catch up on some great reading, great shows, and visits with family.

There is a season

2009-11-11T21:17:00.000-08:00

We recently got some sad news about L.'s step mom, J. She was a breast cancer survivor several years ago, and had been doing well after recovery for some time. About a year and a half ago, or maybe even two years now (time just flies), she found out that she had liver and lung cancer. She has been through many treatments, and while the early prognosis seemed to be promising, things have been slowly declining over time. Today, L.'s dad, C., emailed us to let us know that the decline is becoming more rapid now. The doctor is hoping she will make it through the holidays, and in true J. fashion, she cried bollocks and intends to go down to California for another treatment at the end of the month. I pray that she is able to go and that it makes a difference. I can honestly say that in her position, I don't think I'd have such a great attitude about it all. Some people are truly special that way, and it seems so tragic that they are the ones afflicted with such awful things. L. and I are going down to Florida for Thanksgiving to be with them and hope to have a nice time with them over the holidays. And I pray for her to have comfort and love at this time.

Approve Referendum 71

2009-10-28T20:25:00.001-07:00

In Washington state, we have a referendum up for vote called referendum 71. The premise of this particular referendum is to protect domestic partnerships in WA state. For more info about why I'm for approving this particular referendum, see Vote Approve on Ref 71.

I have a little bit of a history with this particular referendum. Earlier this year, I was outside gardening when my neighbor came over. She came over with her two sons, whom I mostly recognize because they are very polite and always ring our doorbell when their ball flies over our fence and ask whether they can go into the back yard to get it. I attended a 4th of July potluck with neighbors from our cul de sac over a year ago, and met the whole family. They are a very nice, albeit quite religious, family. Anyway, back to the day of gardening. My neighbor asks me whether I'm registered to vote, and I answer yes. She asks whether I will sign a petition for a referendum in our upcoming election, and I say yes without even thinking about it. This is because I have always had a belief that any referendum, no matter how much I agree or disagree with it, should at least be put up to vote if enough people sign the petition to put it up for vote. This is a great right. When I ask her what referendum it is, she gives me a little background mostly saying that they feel this particular issue should taken to the voters and not just approved by the WA state legislature. As I looked at the sign sheet with big letters of "Protect Families", I could feel myself start to get on the soapbox, and want to give them a good piece of my mind about how it doesn't matter what their religion says, the law is separate. But then I stopped. And I signed it anyway. And L. signed it, too. Not because we want the domestic partnership rights taken away, but because we believe in those rights and want our friends and family to have them. Of course, this is a gamble in part that the referendum will have enough supporters to back it and approve it. And it looks like it might...it's a bit hard to say. I keep praying that it does pass so that we can say that voters passed it, and not just that our legislature supported it to begin with. For some reason, I just didn't feel like getting into it with them. I'm totally fine with people believing in their religion, I just hate it when they want to impose that in law. But, I have to live across the street from these people, and I know from experience how awful things are when you're at odds with a neighbor.

As with anything political, there have been a lot of ads on either side of the issue. But the anti ref 71 ads always crack me up, as they come from that angle of "protecting families." I put this in quotes because I'm not really sure what they are trying to protect families from. Unless you're in a domestic partnership yourself, this particular law has little, if anything, to do with your personal life. What it does grant is couples the right to form committed relationships and have the same rights that are currently granted to married couples. The fact that married couples receive any special recognition or consideration by the government is already violating the separation of Church and State that is so important to our country. So, allowing domestic partnerships is just one way to kind of even out the imbalance, as far as I can see.

Let the individual religions and churches figure out whether "marriage" is between one man and one woman, but let all couples, regardless of gender, enter into partnerships that are recognized by the government as legal, binding commitments. It's only fair.

[Update: I'm seriously rethinking my dedication to signing any and all petitions for referenda. Methinks I may start signing only petitions that I agree with. Not sure...]

No words

2009-10-24T15:44:00.000-07:00

This article from Susan Klebold, mother of one of the Columbine killers, is so sad. I can't even imagine how horrible that must have been for the family. It just goes to show how devastating mental illness is for not only those suffering, but for those around them.

Elbow pain

2009-10-14T00:03:00.001-07:00

Recently, L. and I started working out together and hired a personal trainer to help us get on track with our workouts. The first few sessions went OK, and I was enjoying the classes at the gym as well. However, the last couple of sessions left me pretty sore, and both of my elbows really hurt. I let my trainer know, and she eased up on the exercises that forced me to either grip things tightly or bend my arms repeatedly. I also started icing my elbows after working out, taking Ibuprofin, and resting them. We hoped that would help things heal up and I could get on with things again. However, that hasn't really worked. It's been 3-4 weeks now, and even with the vacation and no workouts for the last two weeks, they're still sore. I try to be extra careful with them right now, but sometimes I do something seemingly innocent, like grip the arm of a chair to better position myself or push down on something like a onion when I'm slicing it, and my elbow screams in pain. Anyway, I ended up skipping my workout tonight and will call the doctor in the morning. I hope that she can help me figure out something to get things back on track. It sure sucks getting older.

We'll be up five hundy by midnight, baby!

2009-10-01T18:40:00.000-07:00

I realize it's been a very long time since my last post. Probably no one is even following this now, since I fell off the face of the earth for awhile. But, no matter. I can start back up again finally, since life has returned to a somewhat more normal schedule and state.

The most amazing thing is that it has been nearly a year since L. and I tied the knot. We're heading to Las Vegas tomorrow for an extended weekend to celebrate our year anniversary. We're going to do it up right, staying at the Bellagio and going to see some fun and sexy shows. Both of us have been working so hard lately, that we're beyond excited about the ability to just get away from it all and have some fun.

Useless media coverage

2009-07-10T01:01:00.000-07:00

You know, I do understand the impact that Michael Jackson had on music. And I do think that it's sad that he died fairly young, even though it seemed like his life was rather riddled with turmoil. But since his death, I can't turn on the TV without there being some "media" outlet speculating about every flippin' thing around his death, from where his body actually is to all of the details of his will and the DNA of his children. Now his dermatologist is on the news reporting about his cosmetic procedures. I'm not sure about much, but I don't think I'd want to take credit for work on that face. I'm just sayin'... I'm hoping that the coverage dies down a bit soon so that we can go back to a normal existence, if there ever was one.

Spinsters

2009-07-02T09:28:00.000-07:00

Last night, I was working late at the office when the janitor, W., came by. He's a friendly, cheerful fellow from China and although a bit tough to understand at times, he sure likes to chat. One of my favorite things he does is ask me whether he can empty the waste basket and recycling bin in my office. I always want to chuckle, but he asks it so seriously as though I might put up a fight that he's carting away the trash, and as I don't want to offend him, I always answer back cheerfully, "yes, please do. Thank you!"

Recently, I've been working late quite a bit as I try to finish up stuff for my last job and ramp up for my new one. So, W. has made an effort to get to know me better, since our paths are crossing quite frequently now. I also suppose that as a night-time janitor it is nice to have some human contact in an otherwise lonely building.

Our conversation last night included how to correctly pronounce my name and whether I was married and had children. I told him that I was indeed married for just under a year, but did not have children. When asked how old I was, I answered 31.

This got him to talking about his daughter, who is 30 and unmarried. More than that, she does not have a boyfriend or love interest. This is of great concern to W. He worries that she is becoming a spinster, and discussed the tragedy of older women who are unable to find mates. He is working hard and wants to bring her here to find a husband, because he wants her to be happy. This got me to thinking about the single guys who work late in our building. I'm curious whether W. has tried telling them about his daughter in the hopes that she might land a software engineer. I can only imagine the conversation, but it makes me smile.

Anyway, I tried telling him that it will happen if it's meant to be, but I'm not sure my meaning came across. I realize that my attitude is probably different than a lot of people, Chinese or not, especially considering that I told my own (current) husband that I didn't have a need to get remarried after my divorce and that I find kids to be a kind of take-it-or-leave it proposition. But I found it sweet that this woman has a father who is so concerned about her, especially from a country where women are not prized and female babies are often given up or killed in order to try and procure a son. It was clear that his concern was not just cultural, but caring. He wants her to be happy and have a family, and I can only hope that it will happen for her if it's in the cards and her wish as well.

Crack me up

2009-07-02T00:43:00.001-07:00

L. and I saw this awhile back on SNL and I about spit water through my nose. We got to talking about it again, so I looked it up and enjoyed it all over again.

"Yes, that is bad..."

Moving along

2009-07-01T12:40:00.000-07:00

So, things have been getting a bit better again. I went to Chicago last week/end for a few days for my grandma's funeral, and it was difficult (as was expected) but also somewhat fun (totally unexpected). The difficult part was saying goodbye to grandma and trying to work through the feelings that I had about her passing and my failure to visit her more often, especially in the end. But the fun part was seeing some family that I hadn't seen in many years and realizing that there are people related to me who I hardly even know. My aunt, A., and cousin, H., came down from Minnesota for the funeral, and I hadn't seen them in probably 16-17-ish years. Since I was pre-teen brat at that point, and my cousin was about 5-6 years younger, I recall not really liking her that much because we had nothing in common.

This time around, it was different because we are both older and wiser, and had in common the passing of our grandmother. We stayed in a hotel in De Kalb and spent a lot of time catching up and learning about one another again, and it was really nice to hear about her and her brothers (who could not make it, unfortunately). We left this time promising to stay in better touch and not let years go by before we meet up again.

Grandma's funeral and burial were nice. My dad did a great job pulling everything together, and we were thankful that the funeral home provided a limo and driver to take us between the service and her burial site 45 minutes away. It gave us the necessary time to process what we experienced at the service and her viewing, before laying her to rest. The pastor rode with us in the limo, and we had a nice chat with her about her experience becoming a pastor so late in life. After the burial, we went over to a cousin's house in Marseilles for drinks and food, and had a nice time catching up with everyone who came. All in all, it was a nice day and something that I'm sure that grandma would have loved. We had many wonderful stories to tell about her and how much of an impact she had on us all. She will be missed dearly.

I'm still working through some of the grief and guilt. I met with my counselor yesterday and have been praying a lot. Somehow, this has hit me in a way I wasn't quite expecting. But I'm getting through it and I'm thankful for everyone who sent cards or emails and comments to let me know that I'm in their thoughts and prayers.

Grief

2009-06-22T00:32:00.000-07:00

Grief definitely works in mysterious ways. This weekend has been a series of ups and downs with some in-between moments. I slept 14 hours Friday night, and woke up feeling a bit better. Being exhausted always makes things just that much worse. I spent most of my time either working out in the yard or cleaning the house. Doesn't sound too exciting, but when there is chaos I like to try and create order, which is exactly what I did this weekend.

The thing that just floors me, though, is how random grief is. You can be going along and think that things are going OK again, and then BAM! Grief sneaks back up on you in the strangest moments and reminds you that you've still got some things to work through. Earlier tonight I was doing alright, and then I went upstairs to take a shower and for some reason grief just overcame me for no particular reason. So, I had a good cry in the shower and then got out feeling a bit better again. Who knows what tomorrow will bring. I'll be heading back to work, and hopefully it will go better than my attempt on Friday, which led to nowhere fast.

Saying goodbye

2009-06-18T23:22:00.001-07:00

Tonight, I am saying goodbye to my Grandma K. She passed away earlier this evening, around 7:00 PM. This, of course, comes no more than about two weeks after my Grandpa M. passed away. I will be heading back to her little farming town outside of Chicago for her funeral, likely next week when the plans are figured out.

This is a picture of me as a baby, when she and my Grandpa K. came to visit us in my childhood home in Tukwila, WA. They look so young and different than what they became. My Grandma K. outlived Grandpa K. by nearly a quarter of a century, making it to her mid-90s. But, my Grandpa K. passed away in 1986, which was less than 10 years after that photo. The last time I saw him, he was in the hospital for a bypass, and he died a few weeks thereafter after he came home and took a nap from which he never woke. My last memories of him are hooked up to machines and holding a little mug that I bought him with hearts on it and some message like, "I love my grandpa." I remember listening to Gloria Estefan a lot on my Walkman during that trip, since we were always in the car going back and forth to visit him at the hospital. I still regret not going to that funeral, but my parents thought that it would be too difficult for me to experience something like that so young, so they didn't let me go. It was a tough time anyway. My parents had recently divorced and everything was full of turmoil. Everything happens for a reason, and for whatever reason, I wasn't meant to go to his service.

I remember lots of fun times going out to visit them in their sleepy little farming town when I was a kid. We'd go to visit my Great Grandma K. in Ottowa, who lived to 99 before she passed away. We'd go have lunch out at Shabbona Lake. And we'd always go on trips to the various places the family had farmed thoughout their lives, and visited the graveyards to bring flowers to those who went before us. This time those flowers will be for my Grandma K. as well. I'll have to take on the duty of making sure to pick out the right flowers and have the things we need to clean up the graves and make them look pretty again.

When I was younger, I went out to visit my grandma every summer and she was always ecstatic to see me. As a very young girl, she would put me in the basket of her bicycle and we would ride around town, while she showed me off to neighbors - her little granddaughter. We would walk through the forest and collect pinecones and acorns and leaves in the fall. And one winter, we received so much snow there that my dad and I built an igloo out in the backyard. She hummed and sang constantly, and she had such a funny voice. I can't even think of how to describe it, yet I'll always remember how she went about her business while humming and singing along. She always wore these heavy-duty shaping undergarments that just looked so uncomfortable. They weren't quite corsets, but they were close enough. She wore these even up to my last visit, when I meant to tell her that it was OK if she didn't want to wear those things anymore, but then thought better of it since it really was such a part of her and she felt it was important to do things by the book.

She always remembered my birthday and sent me money for the holidays. And she always wrote that she prayed for me every day and thanked God for me in her life. She loved her family fiercely, no matter how ridiculous we all are in our own ways. What are we supposed to do now that she is gone?

As I got older, my visits became less and less frequent, spanning a couple or a few years at a time. She was no longer well enough to travel out our way, so we always went to Chicago to see her.

My last visit to see her was almost two years ago. The picture above is from that visit. L. and I made a trip out to visit her with my dad, and then went on to Detroit to visit L.'s grandparents. At the time, Grandma K. was still living in the house she had shared with my Grandpa K. so many years before. But her health was clearly starting to fail, she was sleeping all the time, and her mind started to go as well. We had a few tense moments in public when things didn't make sense to her. She had already broken her hip several years before that and recovered, but had then fallen again at one point and didn't remember to use her life alert, so she waited until her caretaker came to check in on her later that day. At that point, I talked to my dad and the caretaker, and we decided that she needed to go into an assisted living home so that she would be safer. I had a picture of her getting confused at some point and deciding to go down into the basement to get something, then falling and hurting herself again. She agreed to go to the assisted living home, but not without some discussion and fear. A few weeks after that, she fell in the bathroom in her apartment there and hurt herself, so she had to go to the nursing home thereafter. Every since that, she was never really the same.

Everything I know after that point is second hand. My dad has gone out to see her and take care of her business every two to three months since that time. Sometimes she would be conscious and know who he was, other times she would only sleep and not recognize him. I should have gotten out there at some point to visit her, but I never did. I can make the excuse that it was never a good time to go, and I suppose in some ways that was true, what with last year being so busy with my relatively new job, buying the house, and all of the stuff with the wedding last year, and then my crappy health situation earlier this year. And I figured it was always dubious whether she would recognize her visitors or not, so I could never be sure that it would matter much anyway. But no matter what, I just think that I was a bad granddaughter for not going to visit her regardless of whether she would have known I was there or not. And I actually planned to visit her in July with my dad, because I feared that it wouldn't be much longer until she passed. But, I waited too long and now I'll never have that chance. I hope she understands and can forgive that part of me, since I know that I let both of us down on that one. But I hope that she knew that I really did love her and still do, and will always cherish the memories I have of her.

Life recap

2009-06-13T22:30:00.001-07:00

Sorry, it's been awhile since I've written, mostly because I have been devoid of much free time lately. It's been an interesting month, full of both good and sad things.

First, the sad, so we can just get through that and onto the happy news. Mid last month, we got news that one of my grandfathers was going downhill pretty rapidly. He'd been fighting lung cancer (although never actually a smoker himself) for almost a year before needing to stop chemo because it was too hard on his body. Within a couple of months, the cancer took over his lungs entirely, and spread to his lymph system and throat. This was in addition to a weak heart. L. and I traveled to Eastern WA to visit him on Memorial Day weekend, and he had definitely taken a turn from the last time we saw him over the holidays. He was still mentally there, but it was clear that he was very tired and he was constantly going in and out of naps.

When we left, I had a feeling that it was likely the last time I would see him alive. And it was. He passed away about 2-1/2 weeks later at home with my aunts and grandma. We went back over last weekend for the funeral, and as you'd expect, it was difficult for everyone. We were all happy that he was no longer suffering, but it's always sad to say goodbye to someone you love. During the funeral, I stood up and incoherently blubbered my way through my memories of him giving me his history magazines when I was growing up and the interesting conversations we had. This is a man who made it out of WWII and the Battle of the Bulge alive, so he had stories and then some. Others stood to share their memories of him, and it was clear to everyone that he did so many things for people and shared so much of his life with others that he will never be forgotten.

We went to the funeral home to see him in his casket, and I have to say that I'm really glad I did that. Otherwise, my last memory of him would always be his frail body hunched over in his chair, hooked up to machines and the pulled look on his face as he slept. In his casket, he looked more like he did in better days, and my mom immediately gasped, "he really suffered, didn't he?" She was surprised at the difference between when she had last seen him (also during the holidays) and the way that he looked in his casket. I agreed that he had definitely suffered, and the end was not kind to him. but seeing him in his suit and his face no longer strained went a long way in convincing me that he is in a better place now and no longer suffering from his illness. I could not make it to his burial, being in the middle of the day on Monday, but I came home and made a fresh bouquet of peonies from my yard, which my parents took to the burial. He would have loved that, because he loved plants and flowers, and cared for not only his own yard, but also the yards of his neighbors and his church. I am seriously sad that he fell ill before L. and I got situated in our house, of I would have loved to have him visit and teach us about how to care for our yard and garden. He would have had a lot of knowledge to impart on that subject.

In happier news, I got a new position at work. I'm still writing technical documentation, but I'm taking on a new technology that has to be done from scratch and managing a couple of contractors for the task. It's a really awesome opportunity, and the contractors on this project are really great. I think it's going to be a really good move for me, and something that will make me happier in the long run as this project is full of the kinds of problems I just love to solve.

And finally, this last week, my friend A. from NY came to visit. It was so great to see her and spend some time just hanging out. We always have so much fun together, and she is someone I can be totally sarcastic with, which I love. I took Wednesday off so that we could go do something, and we ended up going shopping and getting our nails done. Unfortunately, in the middle of the day she realized that she was missing her ATM card, so there were a couple of hours of panic as we retraced steps and called to cancel the card. Fortunately, things worked out OK and no one had tried to use the card, so she was able to just cancel it without a problem. We also watched So You Think You Can Dance (known to L. and me as Shobie Doobie Doobie Dance, Dance, Dance) and Extras (with Ricky Gervais), so that was fun. I always like a good reality show and comedy show.

So, that's it for the moment. I'll try to be better about blogging again, but I'm literally doing two jobs right now until someone takes over my old position, which leaves me with little time for anything. But it will be totally worth it, especially since I feel energized about my job in a way I haven't in a very long time.

Not sure whether to be offended or flattered

2009-05-16T21:19:00.000-07:00

I love Sephora, and tend to get most of my cosmetics there. I just received an email with recommendations that were just for me. The picks? All anti-aging treatments. Hmmm. Nothing that I've purchased from them ever were anti-aging in any way, so the only thing I can figure is that my profile lets them know I'm in my early 30s. So, ugh, I guess thanks. Except, I don't really care all that much about aging enough to slather tons of products on my already sensitive skin. The cosmetics that I do use are usually for sensitive skin and I rarely wear makeup any way. I'm just fine with looking like I've had a good life and somewhere around my own age.

Don't forget to bring a towel

2009-05-06T02:31:00.000-07:00

What happened to the quality of towels? When I was growing up, my parents had (and used!) the same set of towels for like 20+ years. My parents still have them, although they've recently been relegated to duties other than drying people. But really, those were some seriously well-made towels.

Since L. and I got married, we received a plethora of wonderful, fluffy new towels as shower and wedding gifts. Tonight I was reorganizing the linen closet a bit, and ended up taking out all of the towels to refold and organize them better. Over time, as we do laundry, things constantly get folded in different ways and thrown in whereever they best fit. And at some point, I get fed up with looking at it that way and take everything out and redo it. This may sound odd, but I find it quite calming to do such a task, especially when everything else in my life seems so crazy. It's an easy way for me to put order into things quickly and feel an almost immediate sense of accomplishment. Also, I'm probably at least somewhat OCD, so having things in order just makes me feel better about everything in general.

As I was going through the older towels (ones that L. and I brought from our respective single lives into our marriage), I realized that some of the towels are a little worse for wear. And we're not talking about terribly old towels, either. Some of these are only a few years old, and yet they're starting to look threadbare or the edges are starting to unravel. Clearly they're not making towels like they used to. I'm hopeful that the ones we received as wedding gifts will hold out better over time. I love them and there's nothing like stepping out of a nice hot shower into a huge fluffy towel in a lovely color or with a nice pattern. I'm a huge fan of color, pattern, and texture. Just ask about the clothes and accessories I've purchased almost entirely due to discovering adorable lining or some other detail that no one but me knows about.

Meanwhile, as I went about my OCD task, Oli raced back and forth in the hallway and up and down the stairs. When he gets into this state, I tell him that I'll enter him in the Doggie 500 competition if there ever is such a thing. He's the dog equivalent of a race car. Occasionally, he would stop by his pit crew (me) for a quick pat on the head and a gulp of water, and then it was back to it. Sometimes he'd come bearing the gift of a chewie toy he'd discovered somewhere along his journey, and others just for a quick how-do-you-do. After expending that energy, he was happy to plod into his crate for the night to get some sleep. I'm sure he'll dream of funny things. If you don't think that dogs dream, you should see my dog in the middle of a deep slumber. There's definitely something going on up in that tiny head of his. I can only imagine what plays in his mind every night.

(Quick aside about the title of this post: Towelie is by far one of my favorite South Park characters of all time - who doesn't love an adorable, constantly-high, usually inanimate object like Towelie reminding you to bring a towel?)

Reunited, and it feels so good...

2009-05-03T22:11:00.000-07:00

L. is coming home from Brazil on Thursday. This is almost two weeks earlier than originally planned. We are both beyond excited about this development, as I'm sure you can imagine. It sounds like he'll be able to continue working on his project from here along with the other folks who went there, except for one guy who will probably go back to manage things from that side. I'm really happy that he'll be able to be home for the summer. Overall, three months wasn't too terribly long for us to be apart, but it is a lot of work to keep the house going and the yard, as well as my work (which is always crazy) and our puppy. So, I'm looking forward to having him home for that, too. Afterall, he's not just a pretty face (even though he is quite handsome, in my humble opinion...).

Existential crises

2009-04-28T12:27:00.000-07:00

You know when you get to a point in life when you suddenly question most everything about your path and beliefs? It's been on my mind a lot lately, mostly thanks to some random crap going on with various family members and friends that I'm not going to go into now. I've been reading the book Passages by Gail Sheehy, and apparently my age makes me ripe for this kind of mind play. I will say that it is exhausting. And I think it's good that I have an appointment with my counselor this afternoon to kind of get some of this goodness out in an appropriate way, rather than shaving my head or hitting cars with umbrellas a la Britney Spears or something.

Also, I don't likey the whole thing going on with the swine flu. Thankfully I haven't had to take prednisone now since January, so hopefully my immune system is mostly back to "normal" now (if there is such a thing with my body), but man. I don't like the sound of it one bit. Maybe being a recluse wouldn't be such a bad thing right now. Time to go crawl under a rock. Oh wait, I can't because I'm a responsible person and have a job and other responsibilities to take care of. Hmmm.

Weekly recap

2009-04-20T02:08:00.000-07:00

I started my diet again this week, in a slightly modified way. I realize that I am prone to extremes. Often, I'm not living in the middle ground. Case in point - when I did 20/20, I really did 20/20. I followed it religiously and even turned down cake on my own 30th birthday. Then, when things wound down and we got to the wedding/honeymoon phase of last year, I totally went in the opposite direction. I ate anything and everything, and threw all of my knowledge out the window. Guess what that got me, especially when I started having awful health problems for a few months? Lots and lots o' pounds put back on the ol' ass.

So, this time I'm allowing myself to have some of the best of both worlds. I did really well this week. All protein shakes, lean proteins, veggies, lots of water, and only a few diet sodas. By Friday, I decided that I could indeed have a 6-pc chicken McNugget meal at McDonalds with medium fries and a diet coke. And yesterday I had a chocolate bar. I made sure that this still fit within a good caloric range and ate well the rest of the time. And guess what? I feel much more satisfied. I think it's unrealistic for me to think that I can never have any of the foods that are "bad" for you, when it's just as unrealistic for me to believe that I can subsist on those alone. So, the key has to be moderation, something which I'm not always great at achieving. But somehow, I think that this plan might work out better over time because it puts less focus on perfection, and more focus on living within my means.

At the end of the week, I'm down 5 pounds, which is really probably mostly water weight, although I did get out and walk a lot this week when it was nice. I also steam cleaned my carpets (no easy task), mowed the yard, and weeded. So, I got some good physical activity in addition to the reasonable diet. My hope is that if I continue with this, some of the weight will just continue to work itself off, even if it is at a slower pace over time than it was when I was in the 20/20 program. But that's OK. I've got time.

Alt, Ctrl, Delete

2009-04-13T22:58:00.000-07:00

Today is my alt+ctrl+delete day, the day where I restart my diet and exercise regimen. I gained back 25 of the 45 pounds that I lost on 20/20, and it's very frustrating in part because a lot of it was due to how sick I've been and other various health problems which really kicked me off of the exercise bandwagon. But I also haven't been eating as well or paying as much attention to measuring and portions, so there's some personal blame to go into that, too.

But last week was a fairly stable health week with the exception of almost throwing my back out after gardening for hours on end for several days, and not really listening to that little twitch in my back earlier in the week when it started warning me that it was not happy. In any case, I decided that today would be the day that I get serious again and make up some lost ground. So, I started at stage 2 of the 20/20 diet process (lean proteins, protein shakes, and non-starchy veggies). Plus drinking tons of water and exercising. I got on the elliptical tonight and did some situps, so I'm sure that I'll feel some of that tomorrow. I started to do some push ups, but my elbow was really hurting, for some unknown reason. I have no idea what's up with that, but I decided not to push it too much (no pun intended), so I stuck with 5 and will see how it feels tomorrow.

So, here we go again. I feel like I've been on this ride before...

Questions that go unanswered

2009-04-07T00:07:00.001-07:00

Recently, I'm getting a lot of "so when are you and L. going to have kids?" or "are you and L. going to have kids?"

It makes sense, considering we just got married in October and have our proverbial ducks in a row: jobs, check; marriage, check; house, check; relatively stable, check. However, it's a question that I continue to answer in a sort of wishy-washy way. Depending on how well I know the person, I'll actually divulge more or less of the truth. For people we don't know well, I'll say, "probably in the next few years." For people that we know better, I'll say, "perhaps, but we haven't yet made up our minds. It's not a priority for us." Most people who know me, know that children are not really a priority in my life. It's not that I don't see myself having kids - I can see it and sometimes entertain the possibility - but it's that I'm not sold on idea of having them.

Tonight there was a special on Oprah having to do with the new show, "In the Motherhood". I haven't seen it, but apparently it started on the Web and now it's a huge hit, so they're taking it to the TV network. The goal is to illustrate the funny and more difficult part of having children. A little less of the fantasy, and more of the reality, if you will. The part I found interesting was how many women kept saying, "no one tells you this kind of stuff" and "I just wasn't prepared for [something weird]." I'm not sure if these women were raised under a rock, but I think there are plenty of women who will tell you the realities of motherhood. There ain't nothing appealing about it to me. The crying, the tantrums, the constant testing, the sickness, the worry, etc. I think that changing diapers is probably one of the easier parts of motherhood, from what I've seen from my friends and family members. So, that's why I'm pretty hesitant to jump in with both feet yet.

Sometimes I feel like an alien inside of a woman's body. I just turned 31, and yet I have no ticking clock. Isn't this when everyone says that you're supposed to start freaking out and start picturing babies everywhere? Because if so, I certainly missed the memo. I'm still as far away from wanting children as I've ever been. Well, strike that. I'm almost as far away. I can definitely say that with L., I can see that he would be a good dad and try in every way possible to be there for his family. I didn't feel that way about my ex-husband. So, at least I'm off to a better start with L. on this one. But neither one of us is really tipping heavily in the having children direction. So, I dunno. We might want to just have a nice life together, and be our own family of two (well, three if you count the dog).

Part of my deal (and I think L.'s deal, too) is that we want everything to be situated and for things to be almost a guarantee. And children don't come with that. You can't take them back to the store when something goes wrong. And when difficulties happen, you have to work through them. Like my mom once said, "there's never a perfect time to have children, because they'll always interrupt something and cause your path to change." And that's friggin' scary for someone who has already had to deal with all kinds of change (good and bad) throughout her life, and frankly would like some smooth sailing for awhile.

I suppose part of my fear is that I have no maternal instinct whatsoever, so I feel as comfortable holding a football as I do a baby. But everyone says that that kind of stuff comes to you when you have your own child. I dunno. Everyone says a lot of things that don't appear to ring true for me. Although, I do think that in the end, I would probably figure things out and would make a good mother. I also think about the future, and I know that the whole point of having kids isn't so much for the here and now, but for later in life. And considering how much I love my family, I can see the value in continuing that process. So, we'll see. I guess until we decide, I'll just keep the answers a bit open-ended and leave it at that.

P.S. Is it a sign that I think dogs are cuter and more tolerable than kids?

Getting back on track

2009-03-30T23:31:00.000-07:00

Finally, finally, finally - I may finally be getting over all of this stupid cold/flu business from the last few months. I hesitate to say too much about any of it, and I will make sure to knock on wood right now to not jinx anything.

I celebrated my 31st birthday last Wednesday, and it was an interesting feeling. I went out to dinner and a play with my mom, since L. is still away for work in Brazil. During our dinner, I talked with my mom about where my life is at right now, and how I'm not really sure what's next but I figure there has got to be *something* else coming along the way. She said that she felt the same way in her early 30s, and mentioned the book "Passages" by Gail Sheehy. She fished it out of her library over the weekend, and passed it on to me for a good read. Based on the first several pages, I can say that nothing as traumatic as having someone have their face blown off right in front of me has happened recently, or ever for that matter. So, I don't yet connect with what she is saying, but then I'm not quite 20 pages into it yet. So, we'll see. My mom swears that this answered a lot of questions for her, so I'm sure that there will be some good info to glean from the pages.

Other than that, I think I'm finally getting the point where I can focus on the diet and exercise stuff again, which will be good. Being sick for a few months can really throw a wrench into weight loss, and I'm frustrated that I've actually gained. That's what happens when my butt is glued to the couch instead of the balance ball. Oh well. This is going to be a lifelong issue, I'm afraid, so I'd better get used to times where I'm thrown off track and gain some, and then need to work hard to get it off again. Whee!

Again with the pills

2009-03-18T01:02:00.001-07:00

So, all this time I've been complaining about having a lack of immune system. However, it appears that right now I have an overreactive immune system. At least, that's how I'm understanding the whole allergies-to-the-point-you-want-to-die phenomenon that I'm currently experiencing. This has, of course, caused my asthma to crop up again, which is always a lovely follow-up to having been sick and then being smacked with allergies. The last issue in this fabulous trifecta is acid reflux. I had problems with acid reflux for many years, and after having lost weight last year on the 20/20 program, I went off of my Prilosec for the first time in a very long time. Now, I'm not sure that was the best idea. Apparently the recurrent sore throat and increasingly severe throat and ear pain is likely due to acid reflux. And there is a link between asthma and acid reflux, so it's good times all around.

She also had me do a test for strep and mono, of which the strep came out negative (thank God) and the mono we won't know about until tomorrow maybe. I kind of doubt that it's mono though, because L. had it a couple of years ago and despite my exposure, I never got it. Turns out that most people get resistant to it after exposure as kids without ever developing the symptoms. So, I think that would be highly unlikely, especially considering I have no fever although I'm as cold as a freezer. I got up earlier and got out of my blanket for a couple of minutes and my teeth were literally chattering. Seriously. So, I'm not sure what's up with that. My body temperature is lower, but it tends to run about a degree lower than the normal 98.6 degrees that is "normal" anyway.

My doctor put me on three medications today in hopes that we can get this trifecta under control, AGAIN I might add. Plus the Ibuprofin for the extreme throat and ear pain. So, four things not to mention the existing asthma medication I use. Blech. You know, one day I'd love to know what it's like to be a normal human being with a normal immune system that either reacts properly to germs or doesn't overreact to stuff like plants and grasses, etc. That would be really awesome. With the way things are looking, though, I suppose I shouldn't hold my breath.

Theo Chocolate

2009-03-14T01:38:00.000-07:00

Today, my manager took our team to an offsite morale event at The Chocolate Factory in Freemont, house of Theo chocolates. They have the incredible distinction of being the only organic and fair-trade chocolate factory in the US. We got to go on a tour of the factory (which even included hairnets!) and hear all about the history of chocolate and how they make chocolate at the factory. It was a really cool afternoon, and it was full of many wonderful samples of their goods. I had no idea how much work it actually takes to get chocolate into its yummy form that we are familiar with. I was also surprised at how much it smells like coffee beans when it starts out. I bought several bars before we headed out for lunch at a local Italian restaurant. It was a really fun day with the people on my team, and I think it was much needed. We've been working really hard and it was time to get out of the office together and connect on a different level than our normal day-to-day stress of trying to get our documentation planned, written, and published.

Huh? Come again?

2009-03-09T17:07:00.000-07:00

I drove by a road-side billboard recently that just had my puzzled. It's an ad for Snickers candybars, which reads:

"Take a sabbatical to
Feedgypt"

With the "Feedgypt" in the same print as the normal Snickers logo. I'm sure there's a simple explanation, no?

Or it's because she's a plastic doll

2009-03-09T01:39:00.000-07:00

The hypertext for this link read "Barbie & the Big 5-0: How the Birthday Girl Stays Georgous and Relevant." Then when you click on the link, you see, "A Barbie World: No wonder Barbie looks so great at 50—the ultimate blonde bombshell has 25 hair and makeup pros on call."

Ummmm. Right. Or it's because she's an inanimate object that does not possess the capability of aging. You know, because she's a pastic doll. Contrary to the article, I don't think she's had botox. Not to say that I didn't like Barbie when I was a girl. I had several Barbies, one Ken (who was shared by all of the girls at various times), the Barbie mansion, and the Barbie Ferarri. I also had the Barbie dance club, which had a dance floor that you could strap Barbie's feet in and move a lever to make her move from one side to the other. I'll never forget the endless hours my friends and I spent playing with our Barbies, doing their hair, and making clothes for them. But you know, at the end of the day my Barbies never grew back their hair or had their arms put back on when something bad happened (we also had many experiments to see how tough Barbie was), because she was a doll. No botox or lipo required.

Concern of the day

2009-03-02T19:05:00.000-08:00

The DOW went under 7000 today - by a couple hundred points. Sure am glad that I've been stocking my money away in a 401K plan so that everyone can cash out of stocks and leave the rest of us behind wondering how we'll retire! Because we sure didn't lose enough money in our retirement plans last year. Good times... I'm thinking I'll need to work on a plan B for retirement. Of course, retirement is still many years away (unfortunately or fortunately, I can't decide), so I guess I have a little bit to figure things out.

Snow, redux

2009-02-26T05:56:00.000-08:00

We are being covered by snow...again. I cannot even begin to explain how much I hate snow by now. We have had so much this winter, and the first couple days are always charming. You sit inside with your cup of tea and look outside at the white blanket that covers your yard. Life slows down a little bit and you get some things done around the house, because there's really no use in going out and either getting stuck in the snow yourself, or watching other dingbats get stuck. By about day three, it's starting to get old and you get cabin fever. Any longer than that, and you'd better have a significant other who is capable of driving in the snow and likewise has a dependable vehicle for driving in the snow.

Didn't anyone tell the weather system that this is Seattle? Move along now... The weather report shows that this is supposed to subside later today, so hopefully that's true and it won't be sticking around. With L. in Brazil, I am without a snow chauffer today and I have a hair appointment this evening that I simply cannot miss or I'm going to go all Britney on my hair. You know, not because my life is a mess, but because I feel like I have a mop on my head and have lost the ability to do anything meaningful with it by now.

I feel like I'm repeating myself

2009-02-19T19:11:00.000-08:00

Probably because I actually am, in a way. I'm either still sick or sick again. I'm not really sure which it is. See, the flu/cold thing that was going on the last couple of weeks never entirely went away. I've had a sore throat in some form for almost two weeks now, whether it be the feeling of having had razor blades run down my throat or just annoying irritation from post nasal drip. Things were definitely looking up until late last night/earlier today. So far, I've heard from several people who have been dealing with a similar thing, so I know I just need to let it run its course. But my gawd this is annoying as hell. I'd like to resume some kind of normal existence. And waking up early this morning with a totally stuffed head and sore throat again was certainly not charming. I've got to avoid antibiotics at all costs, though, because I'm running out of ones that don't cause an allergic reaction and I'm only 30 years old. If I want to make it to 90 like my grandfather is (this year in fact), I can't be running out of antibiotic options when it really matters. So, suffer through this I will!

I garnered up enough energy to throw on some sweat pants and head to Fred Meyers to pick up some more cold medicine, crackers, and ginger ale this afternoon, since I've depleted my supplies and honestly wasn't expecting to get sick again right away. I'm sure I looked really great running around the store like a zombie, but I found my stuff and checked out. Normally this is the kind of thing that L. would do for me, but Brazil is pretty far away from the Fred Meyers and our house. But I'm all set now and ready to curl up in my blanket and try to get my dog to understand that mama has no energy to chase him around the house with his toys tonight.

Valentine's Day Weekend

2009-02-16T22:30:00.000-08:00

L. and I celebrated our first married Valentine's Day on Saturday night. It was a little bit of a hectic weekend because we were also getting L. ready for his business trip to Brazil, but more about that later. First the Valentine's Day celebration.

On Saturday, we both slept in a bit, since I had been sick all last week and L. was not fully sick but was fighting a little something. We got up, and I gave L. his Valentine's Day presents. I got him several books about his favorite subject, music. I also got him a really cool archive of Rolling Stone magazines on DVDs - all 40 years worth. Oli got his daddy lots of good treats for the plane and hotel room.

I then took some extra time to get ready for L.'s surprise. I knew that I needed to get dressed up, but I wasn't sure what for. I found a cute black dress and accessorized with a cute bag, shoes, and wrap for the night. I did up my makeup and then we headed out to the surprise location, during which L. gave me a gift - the movie Ratatouille, which is one of my favorites. It was sort of a clue of what was to come, which was a phenomenal dinner.

As we headed into downtown Seattle, I could only guess at where we were going because there are so many great places to eat downtown. We stopped in front of El Gaucho, and I suddenly got excited to try some steak. L. knows that my alltime favorite steak is at the Met, and I've heard that El Gaucho rivals the Met as far as steaks. We got inside and headed downstairs to a beautiful room with candlelit tables and a live jazz band. We waited for a few minutes to be seated, so we danced a fox trot and a swing dance to the live music along with some other guests. We were then seated and had a moment to drool over the menu. I chose a Frenched Rib Chop and L. chose a Baseball cut sirloin with lobster, and we shared their mashed potatoes and asparagus. The whole meal was delicious, and was followed up with a fruit, cheese, and cracker course, and then dessert. I had creme brulee, while L. did a wonderful cheesecake with strawberry coulis. The whole thing was incredible, and just as I thought our night was drawing to a close, L. placed a small box in front of me on the table. I opened it up to find a beautiful pair of small white gold loop earrings with diamonds. I immediately went to the restroom to put them in where I had a bit better light. They are georgous and were a total surprise. I've never even seen these before, and somehow L. just knew that they would be perfect for me. They will be great for both everyday wear and for more dressed up events.

Yesterday was busy as we worked to get L. ready for Brazil. I was working on getting an old laptop ready for him to take so that we could use Live Messenger and Skype to communicate while he was down there, since his work computer is locked down by their system admins and we couldn't connect it to the Internet. Just as I got everything done and we were playing around with the software, L. started checking some emails and such and a virus popped up. It turned out to be a particularly awful virus, which I just didn't have enough time to deal with last night, so he left without the computer after all. I was going to rebuild it anyway when he got back, so now I'll just work on doing that while he's away instead. It was so frustrating though. We're hoping that when he gets to Brazil, he can work with the IT guys down there to open up his computer a little bit to allow it to connect to the hotel Internet and do Skype and Messenger at least. We'll see how that goes. If not, it will be just regular old talking on the telephone!

Mad, mad, mad world

2009-02-10T17:56:00.000-08:00

You know, the more I watch the news lately, the more I think that the world has just plain gone mad. There is no more personal accountability, let alone accountability in the highest positions in our country.

I mean, look at the bailouts. Money for organizations that refuse to disclose information like how much money went to whom. And then we get information about these same organizations planning lavish affairs, golden parachutes for CEOs, and bonuses for everyone. What the hell? This at the same time that many people have faced or are facing layoffs and scale backs the likes of which we've not seen for a long time.

Then we have this village idiot who decided to have 8 kids on top of her existing 6 kids. And despite the fact that she said she does not receive welfare, it appears that she receives approximately $1900/month in federal funds and $490/month in food stamps. That was for the existing 6 kids, three of which are disabled. Not to mention that the birth of her new brood of 8 will likely cost one million dollars by the time the babies go home. I'm sorry, but f&*@(! that. If you have the money to pay for your own kids, that's one thing. But if you already receive aid for 6 of them, perhaps you should hang up your uterus and call it a day. If you're on welfare, then no more kids. Take care of the ones you already have and leave it at that. If you had plans for a big family, then figure out how to finance that yourself. I cannot even fathom the kind of person who would actually think that this woman would be a responsible parent for 14 children.

Peanut Corp. of America? If you see salmonella come back in your tests, perhaps you should pull the product and not poison people around the country. Shame on you. And the worst part is that I'm sure there are plenty of other food supply companies around the country who have similar practices and conditions in their facilities. How many more things do we have to be worried about in our pantries?

It's just crazy. Here's the thing. I'm a proud democrat, and I'm proud to pay taxes for things that are important for our communities and country to run smoothly. I want my police, fire department, roads, health care, welfare, etc. to be there for people who legitimately need it. And the fact that we have corporate welfare going on now is just insidious. What about the rest of us out here? I realize that we need to keep our industries going, but some of this is just ridiculous. And even though I support welfare programs, I would sure like to see a lot more accountability go into these programs to help people get off of welfare in a better way, and cut back or end help for people who abuse it like that crazy octuplet mom.

Life update

2009-02-10T00:26:00.001-08:00

It's time for another life update, because I find that I just can't keep track of who I've told what to these days.

First, I'm all off of the antidepressants, and so far it's going well. I met with my counselor last week and we had a good discussion about it all. I think that mentally I'm in a pretty good place right now, and after the initial side effects of going off of the medications, I was doing better until...

...the latest health problem has just been this horrible cold, which is the worst I have had in a long time. I think part of the problem is that I was on prednisone (twice) for the allergic reaction I had to antibiotics, so my immune system was way down due to that. So, there was no combatting the germs going around in my office, and now it's just taking me a long time to actually get better. It's so frustrating. Sometimes I wonder how I'm actually supposed to keep going with the weight loss when all of these health problems keep coming up over and over again. The combination of prednisone, plus rash, plus cold has resulted in so little activity over the last few months that I'm going to have to work really hard to even get back to where I was after finishing the 20/20 program. I lost a total of 46 pounds at that time. From what I could tell last time I weighed in, I'd maintained 32 pounds of that. Baaa! It takes so little time for something to upset the apple cart. But my main desire right now would be to just get my immune system back up and running a bit, and work some more activity into my life. We bought a nice elliptical machine and it was delivered last week right as I got so sick. And next month I plan to get a small set of dumbells and free weights to do some things at my house.

Oli is doing well and learning a lot. He had his last round of puppy shots last week and his first haircut (of which I posted pictures). Unfortunately, he still has the giardia infection going on, so we're trying a different medicine for him. It's hard to tell whether he got rid of the infection and just got infected again, or whether it just never cleared up last time. Giardia is tricky. But he's a really good dog, and we have a lot of fun with him. L. took him to puppy class on his own tonight because I was sick, and he came back with glowing reports. He said that Oli is doing well with all of his new things and accomplished all of his tasks.

But the biggest news is that L. is going to Brazil for somewhere between one and three months. He leaves next Monday to work on an aircraft program down there. We're both sad about his leaving, but it is a good thing considering the state of things at his company and with the economy right now. We're trying to avoid layoffs at all costs. There was talk of layoffs at our company, too, but it looks like it doesn't affect our group, at least for the meantime. I hope that continues to hold out. L. will be coming back for about a week in mid March, so I'm sure that we'll retreat into our own little world while he's back.

So, that's where things are at right now. I feel the NyQuil kicking in now, so it's time for me to get ready for bed. Sleep tight...

Voiceless

2009-02-08T19:15:00.001-08:00

So, I've been sick the last several days and pretty miserable, too. Sore throat for almost 5 days now, plus runny nose and congested sinuses, and chest congestion. This morning I woke up without a voice. I'm trying to remember the last time I lost my voice. L. has been taking really good care of me, and Oli wonders what's wrong with his mama. But I'm hopeful that today was the worst day and that now things can start getting better. Pretty please???

Oli's first haircut

2009-02-02T16:41:00.000-08:00

Today Oli went in for his first full grooming appointment. I took him to a place where my cousin takes her standard poodle, Hoover. Hoover absolutely loves it there and I thought Oli should have a good experience for his first time. Grooming is a bit traumatic for the pups. Turns out that he did really well, and he looks like a real poodle now. He's so cute!

Before grooming:

After grooming:

Worst nightmare

2009-01-27T19:36:00.000-08:00

...or at least one of them: birth of octuplets.

First of all, I really don't want one, let alone eight, babies coming out of my body. That whole thought just creeps me out. Second, then you have eight babies to raise. OMG. I'd die. This couple will be living one of my worst nightmares.

This is the day

2009-01-20T15:14:00.000-08:00

...that the Lord hath made, we shall rejoice and be glad in it. Amen!

I wore red, white, and blue to work today. When I got here, people were coming back from various viewing areas for the inauguration, and everyone was chatting about how we have hope again. I thought Obama's speech was perfect. It was serious and matched the tone of our current situation. He seemed very stalwart in his message and understanding of the great undertaking ahead.

I think one of the best things was seeing president Bush leave at the end. Don't let the door hit ya on the way out!

Makes sense

2009-01-17T23:26:00.000-08:00

...in an alternate universe. Jennifer Lopez said that she didn't wear her wedding ring to the Golden Globes because it didn't go with her dress. Ummm. It's a wedding ring. The point is that it's the symbol of your love and commitment to your partner, not a fashion statement. Personally, I think that she was feeling ignored by the press covering other celebrity couples, and decided to do something to bring the attention back on herself. I don't know why, but she really irks me for no particular reason.

Plenty of married people manage to wear their rings despite the fact that they might not "go" with their outfit at the time. And, if there ever was a time to wear an 8.5 carat sparkler like J. Lo's ring, it would probably be when you're dressed to the nines for the Golden Globes. I mean, you think my ring matches my outfit when I head to the gym in my pony tail and sweats?

Actually, my jeweler got after me for wearing my ring while weight training because the bar makes little dings in the metal, so I have taken to putting it on a chain when I work out. But it still feels weird when I don't have it on. Right before L. and I got married, I had to leave my engagement ring with our jeweler to have it fit with the wedding band. The whole time I'd forget that I didn't have it on and freak out thinking that I'd lost it somewhere. It just doesn't feel right when I don't have it on.

Well, I wasn't expecting this

2009-01-15T21:55:00.000-08:00

So, as I wrote in my last post, I've gone off of my antidepressants due to a possible allergic reaction. I've also now finished up my second round of prednisone and I'm still doing the heavy-duty antihistimine at night and Zyrtek during the day.

The good news? The rash is a lot better. It's still not 100% gone, but it got much better with this round of treatment than it did last time. And it continues to get better, so that's a good sign.

The bad news? Or rather, the news I wasn't expecting? Coming off of an antidepressant can make you feel like you have a nasty bout of the flu. I expected to have some emotional issues, and a little bit of an adjustment period. What I've been dealing with for the last few days is exhaustion (which is also probably due to the antihistimine), headaches, sweating and chills, dizzyness, and nausea. Good times. Plus, my sleep schedule is completely messed up right now. I'm sleeping in the middle of the day and up at 3:00 AM. It's totally weird. But, each day is slightly better than the one before, so I'm hopeful that I'll be back to work tomorrow and that things will continue to go on the upswing.

Then I'll really be able to tell how my emotional state is for all of this. I can say that I'm very thankful for the rash to finally be going away. Having half your body covered in an itchy, painful rash is no picnic either. On with the great experiment...

A change to my SOP

2009-01-10T01:24:00.000-08:00

So, when L. and I went on our honeymoon in France in October, we both got sick with colds. This wasn't surprising considering we were both pretty busy and stressed out getting everything ready in the weeks up to the wedding, and then boarded a germ-ridden plane that's carried more butts than I care to imagine. We both had a couple of rough days when we first got to Paris, which I'm sure was both due to the colds and severe jet lag. But we then started to get better and really hit the ground running on the second day.

However, the nasal stuff really hung on for me throughout the trip and when we got home. And over time, it just got worse and worse, so that I finally went to see the doctor and he put me on antibiotics due to it being a bacterial infection. He threw out the term MRSA, which freaked me out, but based on the test, it wasn't actually MRSA. Just a regular bacterial infection, and he gave me the oral and topical antibiotic (to put in my nose) to treat it from the outside and inside. This was mid November timeframe.

The infection went away, and I was very happy except I had a small itchy spot on my upper right leg. I attributed it to the antibiotic, figuring that I had a reaction like I usually do. Typically, whenever I take antibiotics, I have some kind of allergic reaction. Over time, it went to my other leg and started working up my stomach, chest area, and lower back. I went back in to see my regular doctor in mid December, because my normal treatments (oatmeal baths and lotion, hydrocortizone cream, and benadryl) weren't helping much at all. She thinks it's a reaction to the antibiotics, too. So, she put me on a heavy-duty antihistimine to take at night, Zyrtek for the day, and a 6-day decreasing strength treatment of prednesone. With all of that, things got better, but not 100% better. And a couple of days after ending prednesone, the rash started spreading back to the places where it had cleared up.

So, I went back into my doctor this last week and she looked at everything again. It may have still been kicked off by the antibiotics, but she's wondering whether my antidepressant might be delivering a 1-2 punch. So, I'm working off of the antidepressant now in addition to the nighttime antihistimine, Zyrtek, and a second round of prednesone. I'm hoping that this will cause the rash to go away for good.

I have one more night of my antidepressant and then I'm off altogether. It was a hard decision to make, since I've been on antidepressants of some sort for 10 years, and they completely changed my quality of life. When I think back to the years before I started them (especially in college), with all of the extreme ups and downs, and panicky feelings, I thank God that I went into my doctor and got treatment before I ended things. Yes, it was that bad. Depression and anxiety run in our family, so it's not a huge surprise. And I was smart enough to get help when I needed it.

In any case, I decided that now was a good time to try going off of them and see how it goes. I talked with my counselor about it, and she once asked whether I had ever planned to go off of them, and I said "nope". And I meant it, because I just couldn't imagine going back to the way that things were. But she said that it might be worth trying when things stabilized in my life, and as far as I can tell, now is a good time to do the experiment. And if this antidepressant is causing the allergic reaction, and if it turns out that I still need antidepressants, there are other ones out there to try. But it will be interesting to see whether the last 10 years of counseling and working through deep-seated issues will help me to cope better with my emotions going forward without drugs. I'm hopeful. And I'm ready. I made an appointment with my counselor for Tuesday, and L. is very supportive as is my mom. I know that they're here for me if I fall apart. And that is a scary possibility. But it's one that I'm willing to risk at this point because I think that things are the most stable that they've been in my life for some time, and how wonderful would it be if all of that personal work and coping exercises paid off in an antidepressant-free existance? So, fingers crossed, here we go...

No-brainer news item

2009-01-08T18:35:00.000-08:00

Gu Gu strikes again! Panda attacks zoo visitor: 240-pound animal clamps down on leg of man who climbs into enclosure

Apparently someone climbed into the panda's enclosure at the zoo. This person was the third person to be harmed after climbing into the enclosure. So now the zoo is considering changing the enclosure so that visitors can't get in. I'm not sure what there is to consider. If you're a zoo, you'd better figure out a way to protect your animals from vistors and vice versa. It took me longer to type this blog post than it should take them to make this decision.

Happy 2009

2009-01-07T09:14:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year! I've had a busy start to 2009, and as such I am behind in my blogging, responding to emails, and finishing up my thank you cards for Christmas gifts. I'm hoping to have some extra time this weekend to take care of the latter two of those things, but figured I'd put a quick blog entry out now while Oli is entertaining himself with his stuffed flying squirrel.

L. and I went to Missoula for Christmas with his parents, and we took Oli with us. It was a really nice week with them and Oli traveled well. We stayed in Eastern Washington with my grandparents on the way over and back to break up the trip. One of my grandfathers was in the hospital, so we spent some extra time with him and my grandma. He has congestive heart failure and lung cancer, but has been managing pretty well for a 88-year old man. However, a few days before Christmas he started having some trouble, so they brought him in for observation and put him on some antibiotics as they suspected an infection. Luckily he got out of the hospital on Christmas day, so we got to see him at home on our way back from Missoula.

We had a quiet day in with L.'s parents for Christmas. We woke up and slowly unwrapped gifts. We grilled steaks and asparagus for dinner. We then watched A Christmas Story and played games. It was very relaxing and a change from most holidays. Because it was just the four of us, there was no rush for anything and none of the usual urgency to get things unwrapped and setup for kids to play with, etc. The only thing we had to worry about was Oli making it to his papers to potty, which he succeeded in doing well. He only had two accidents the whole week, which isn't bad considering we moved him around a lot between my grandparent's house and L.'s parent's house.

The passes were more difficult coming back from Missoula to Seattle. Through Lookout Pass in Idaho, there was one car behind L. that was acting like a total idiot - tailgating people and driving too fast for conditions. He started tailgating L., so L. changed lanes and the guy did the same. So, L. changed lanes again, and the guy sped up fast to pass. His tire then caught the snow buildup off of the divider, and the guy spun out and around back toward us. L. quickly steered around him. We're so lucky that we didn't hit. I'm thankful that I was taking a nap or I probably would have had to change my pants. In any case, it solidified the reason that I, personally, do not drive in the snow. L. is comfortable with it, considering his roots are in Montana. But I don't feel comfortable driving and I certainly don't feel comfortable sharing the road with people who do crap like that.

L. and I both started back at work this week and as it always is with vacations, there is a lot to catch up on. Because of the economy, there are all kinds of worries about layoffs and such, but we just pray that things start to pick up and such measures are not necessary. But we sat down and drew up a budget for this year to work on saving as much as we can to weather out any downturns. And if nothing ends up happening, we'll have the savings for something else like my condo assessment (which has still not begun) or an improvement to our house. We know of a couple of maintenance things that we'll need to do in the next few years to keep things in good working order. We finished paying off the wedding and honeymoon at the end of December, so it is nice to have that off of our plates.

I'm optomistic about 2009, especially considering we'll finally be rid of president shrub. I worry that some people are too optomistic about Obama taking office. I think he will prove to be a great leader, but it will take his admistration some time to work our country out of the hole we're currently in. FDR had four terms to bring the US out of the great depression and world war, and it involved a lot of programs and government action. So, we'll just have to be patient because I'm sure that there are many things the president shrub administration has done that have yet to be revealed to the American public. There is a lot of poop to scoop before we get to the bottom of all of this.

Musical confession

2008-12-20T02:32:00.000-08:00

I have a confession to make. I downloaded Britney Spears's new album, Circus, from iTunes earlier this week. It's surprisingly good. The title track is catchy and has a good beat. Out from Under and Unusual You are really lovely. I liked Womanizer when it first came out, and was pleased that the other tracks on the album are really well done. The album scored 3-1/2 stars from a Rolling Stone review, with Rolling Stone users rating it higher at 4-1/2 stars. Most of the songs would be great for working out or bouncing around the house while cleaning. I listened to it tonight while I wrapped Christmas presents.

I'm glad to see Britney making some progress in her life. As I wrote about awhile back in my post, Oh Britney, I really wanted to see her take some time off and heal. So, it's good that she's back in the studio and producing something akin to the days at the height of her career.

Sometimes it's right on

2008-12-16T01:37:00.001-08:00

This is my horoscope for the week of December 11th. I haven't checked my horoscope forever, it seems, and I was looking through The Stranger, remembering Freewill Astrology and the weird horoscopes that sometimes appeared. So, I searched online for Freewill Astrology, and bravo, there it was.

It's an ideal time for you to throw a party for all the people you've ever been and all the different selves who live within you now. Invite the teenager who once seethed with frustrated potential and the four-year-old who loved nothing more than to play. Include the hopeful complainer who stands in the shadows and dares you to ask for more, as well as the brave hero who comes out every now and then to attempt seemingly impossible feats of happiness. Don't forget any of the various personalities who have contributed to making you who you are. Celebrate your internal diversity. Marvel at how good you are at changing.

This is actually pretty close to how I've been feeling lately. Grappling with the many pieces of me who have come before and those yet to develop. I've been reflecting on my life a lot in the past few months due to the big changes L. and I recently made, and upon reconnecting with some old friends and making new friends. It's interesting that after not seeing my horoscope for probably over a year now, I somehow came across this one at this exact time. Sometimes it is right on.

Oli's first snow

2008-12-14T16:12:00.001-08:00

We started getting quite a bit of snow last night, and it was funny to see Oli's first reaction to the disappearance of our lawn and replacement with this cold, fluffy stuff. He thinks it's pretty fun now, so I took a few pictures from last night and this morning.

Something for the Dilbert files

2008-12-12T14:12:00.001-08:00

This cracks L. and me up.

L. works at an aircraft supply company as an engineer. Due to the strikes and decreased production at a large aircraft manufacturer in the area, L.'s company has to scale back a bit. This year, the plant shut down the week of Thanksgiving, and will be shutting down the week of Christmas and New Years. People are encouraged to use their vacation time or sick leave to make up the cost of his mandatory time off. This is for the salaried employees. The hourly employees have been on a reduced schedule for some time now, and work only Mondays through Wednesdays at the plant.

In a "festive" effort, employees are invited to come celebrate and decorate a Christmas tree in the afternoon on December 19th. So, the salaried employees are the only ones who would be there since the hourly employees don't work on Thursdays and Fridays now. And they get to decorate in the late afternoon right before the plant shuts down for two weeks. That's going to be one dried out Christmas tree when everyone returns from their mandatory leave. Not to mention, this is quite a way to communicate how little you actually care about morale at your workplace. Classy.

Having to say no

2008-12-12T13:42:00.000-08:00

According to a lot of the puppy training stuff I've been reading, having to say "no" a lot to your puppy means that you haven't properly prepared his surroundings well enough. Before your puppy comes home, you puppy-proof the house by putting up things that he shouldn't get into, block off areas where he shouldn't go, etc. If they have an accident on the carpet, it's your fault not the puppy's fault.

To which I say, not always! L. and I have prepared our house for Oli. We have baby gates setup to keep him within the confines of our family room, kitchen, dining room, and hallway. In the family room, we have setup an exercise pen where he can go to hang out in his doggy bed, eat, drink, play, and go potty on his papers. He rarely goes in there to do anything other than eat or drink, but it's there nonetheless. We also have papers laying on the floor outside of the pen in case he is wandering around and suddenly needs to go.

For the most part, Oli always uses his papers or goes to the door to let us know that he needs out. This gets more complicated when the weather sucks (like it does right now), because I don't think either one of us enjoy the prospect of standing out in the pouring rain and wind, but it's not the end of the world. Usually if he figures he doesn't want to go out, he'll run to the papers and go.

Here's where that information from the beginning of this post becomes moot. Sometimes dogs get mad. Sometimes they pee in a no-no spot to let you know that they're mad. Sometimes Oli gets mad when L. and I have to go to work for the day, and we leave him in his exercise pen where he can wander around and play with all of his beloved toys, eat a good snack, and eliminate when he needs to. Sometimes he even gets mad when I work from home, because I know that his tummy is sick and needs to be let out more often throughout the day rather than using the same paper for 5-6 hours.

And sometimes he'll pee while I'm putting his leash on to take him out to eliminate...like today. I'm sure that he's mad because I'm not paying full attention to him. I'm trying to work in the midst of his running around, chewing, and attempts to get my attention to play with him. So, when I got up and carried him to the door, and grabbed his leash, he promptly peed on the carpet. Message received little bugger. We went outside anyway, and we stood there until he peed again.

And there is no way to puppy-proof every single thing. He loves to chew on our clothes, blankets, table, shoes, feet, hands, and hair. I'm going to be in a constant pony-tail until he gets out of this stage. So unless L. and I suddenly become minimalist nudists, shave our heads, and cut off our feet and hands, we're going to have to say no. A lot. Oh, of course we do what the books say - replace whatever he's chewing with a toy, but that only works so much of the time. Other times, he's determined to keep chewing on whatever object he's focused on, no matter how many times you try to give him something else or move him. So, just like most things in life, nothing goes smoothly 100% of the time, especially when it comes to puppies.

Organization

2008-12-11T00:56:00.001-08:00

I spent the better part of this evening organizing my Outlook inbox at work. I got the email messages in my inbox down from almost 2500 emails to less than 150 emails. It feels great. I filed a lot of things in various folders, but also deleted a ton of them that I no longer needed. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off of my shoulders.

Oli is a trooper

2008-12-10T01:36:00.000-08:00

First an update, then some cute pictures...

In my last post, I was bemoaning the rough day I had with Oli. I'm happy to report that he started doing much better the following day and has been doing quite well ever since. I think that he got over-stimulated by meeting so many people at my work and being in so many different environments the prior day. So, he had a little doggy melt-down and he let me know by acting out. Once he rested up and got back on track, he stopped peeing on the carpet, and instead went to the door to let me know that he needed to go out. See, he's smart like that. He is doing well with the potty training, but he was pissed off and he knew that peeing on the carpet would be a no-no. Dogs...

Anyway, we had a very stressful weekend starting late Saturday night / early Sunday morning. L. and I were playing with Oli, and he was hopping at my feet wanting to be picked up. So, I picked him up and he was happy to just be hanging out in my arms until he suddenly wanted down and started squirming. As I was bending over to put him down, he did this backward lunge thing and broke out of my hands, falling to the carpet. He yelped, and then backed up, and my heart sank to the floor. Immediately Oli was fine, and bounded off to play with his toys, and then took a break for a drink of water. Meanwhile, L. was trying to pick me up off of the floor and calm me down. L. picked up Oli and felt around to make sure that Oli didn't cry out or anything, and he seemed fine. But I was still a mess, worried about internal bleeding or something that we couldn't see right away.

No matter how much Oli continued to play, eat, potty, etc. just like his normal self, I just couldn't be consoled. And then when he went out to the yard to potty, he had some residual matter on his behind which I went to wipe off with a cloth, and I noticed a drop of blood. I immediately called the 24-hour emergency vet and explained the situation. She said that it was likely just from the stress of the fall, and nothing serious, but to keep an eye on it and bring him in if it happened again. I cried all Sunday wrought with fear that I'd done some horrible damage to Oli, and I followed Oli around making sure that there was no more blood. And there wasn't - until yesterday. We saw another drop of blood and couldn't figure out what was going on. So, I called the vet and made an appointment to take Oli in this morning. His second stool sample showed that he has a Giardia infection, which is what was causing the problem. So, the vet gave me some medicine to give to Oli for the next week and instructions about how to clean everything to keep him from re-infecting himself.

Tonight, L. and I washed Oli, cleaned everything thoroughly, and washed all of his bedding in hot, hot, hot water. We're now carrying Oli outside on his leash and putting him down in one spot to do his business so that he doesn't lick the concrete patio (something he loves to do when it rains). And we have to clean off his feet and bottom when he comes back in. We teamed up to give Oli his medicine, which is called Panacur and comes in a syringe (without needle) that we have to squirt into Oli's mouth. This is no small feat to get Oli to open his mouth for this stuff.

But despite seeing the vet today and getting his puppy booster shots, Panacur for the Giardia, a bath, drying with the hair dryer, and a quick snip of scissors to clean up the hair around his face, Oli was just as a happy as ever. Oh sure, he slept a little more today from the booster shot. And he was really averse to the Panacur process. But overall, he was his playful, cute little self.

So, you see where this leads. Last week Oli did really well until an overwhelming day. Then he fell apart for a day. Totally makes sense. So, I'm waiting for the storm tomorrow. I can feel it coming. But I'd rather he be healthy, and I was just so happy that it wasn't the fall that hurt him. It's not like he fell a great distance or onto a hard surface, but as puppy's bones aren't always so strong yet. So, I am very thankful to God that Oli was OK. Nothing was broken, and there was no internal damage. Just the Giardia infection, which it turns out is rather common in puppies, and is something that his littermates were dealing with. Thank God. Now I just hope that he gets over this quickly and feels better!

Here are some updated photos - he is 10 weeks old now.

Oli, guarding his toys at L.'s feet. He is looking at me like, "don't even think about taking my toys mama."

Oli sitting in my lap. Yes, those are flannel sock monkey pajamas that I'm wearing in the picture. Oli loves sitting in my lap when I wear flannel or fleece pajama pants.

Oli taking a bath in our kitchen sink. Not his favorite pastime, but he makes it through. Now the hair dryer afterward...that's another story.

Oli with his toy Madison Moose, AKA Maddy. Maddy receives some rough treatment when Oli is in a playful mood. It's cute because Maddy is about as big as Oli, so he's busy running around with this huge stuffed moose in his mouth.

Rough day

2008-12-03T21:16:00.000-08:00

Ugh, today was rough. I worked from home today and Oli was a little hellion...all day long. I took him outside frequently, but despite that he was determined to pee on the carpet in rebellion instead of go to the door or pee on his pads. I practically had to drag him around the coul de sac for one short walk at lunch time. And he was very growly and grumpy all around.

I think that yesterday was too much for him with going to my work and meeting so many people. Tonight I finally quarantined him in his exercise pen for awhile this evening to save my family room carpet from any more damage. Thank goodness for Nature's Miracle cleaner. He did alright playing with L. after L. got home from work, but then he got ornery again. So, he's in his crate now fast asleep. I think he got way overstimulated yesterday and this morning when my sister and her dog were around. He hasn't made a peep for over an hour and a half. I'm hoping that some additional rest will help him go back to his little sunny personality again. Tomorrow he'll have to be at home by himself for about 6 hours in his exercise pen, but it will be pretty cushy. He has his doggy bed, toys, food, water, papers, and crate in there. I have back-to-back meetings all day tomorrow, so L. is going in to work early so that he can get home early to let the dog out. Maybe a day on his own will help little Oli recover. We can only hope!

Blog update

2008-12-03T01:34:00.000-08:00

So, yesterday I deleted the last couple of blog entries because I was receiving a virus popup when I came to my blog page. My antivirus caught it immediately each time, but still. It turned out that it happened on all of the blogspot blogs that I read, but before I realized that, I'd already deleted my last couple of entries, including the one about getting our new toy poodle puppy, Oli. In any case, it looks like Computer Associates (CA) was coming up with false positives about this particular "virus", so there wasn't actually an issue and I deleted those entries for nothing. But oh well. I didn't want to be causing any issues for anyone who read my blog. Luckily it turned out to be a non-issue.

In any case, L. and I are having so much fun with Oli. I took him to work today and he met all of my co-workers. Everyone agreed that he is a really sweet little dog and I have a ton of offers to walk him and watch him when I'm in meetings. It's quite nice to have such a great group of people to work with, who actually want you to bring your dog into work. I'll do this for awhile until Oli gets a little bit older and can be at the house on his own for a longer period of time. But right now, at nine weeks, he's just too young to be at home while L. and I are at work all day. Come Thursday, I'll have my own office again, so that will make things easier with taking Oli into work. He did really well today, and his potty training is coming right along. He does really well with his papers, and he's figuring out now how to let us know that he needs to go out. We've only had a few accidents with him in the house, and nothing that was too terrible. He's incredibly smart and is already learning how to fetch and recognize his name. I've been reading up a lot on dog psychology these last few weeks to figure out how best to integrate him into our family and train him. There are so many books out there and differing views. Things have definitely changed since the last dog I raised over 12 years ago.

I have to say that having little Oli has really enriched our lives already. We have so much fun with him, and he makes me laugh all the time. I love watching him play with his "uncle" Diego (my mom's toy poodle) and "cousin" Malcolm (my sister's schnoodle). Both Diego and Malcolm play really nicely with Oli, and Malcolm even tosses toys for Oli. It cracks me up to watch a dog playing fetch with another dog. Too cute.